Cutting Ties?

[Clever]

I'm so close to just packing up my car in the night and driving away from this life so I can go somewhere else and be who I really am.

It would be much too painful for my parents if I told them I was going to transition. I can never come out to them. It would kill them, the shame.

Things with my husband are headed off the deep end. I'm past the point of even trying anymore, since he treats me like I'm a terrible person for upsetting our lives.

I can never, ever transition at work. I work in a very conservative field. It's not going to happen.

I'm feeling pretty hopeless right now, and just cutting bait seems the only viable option.

Has anyone here completely severed ties to their old life?  Is it doable?

[Lady Smith]

Wow! - this is a serious place for you to be.  From my own experience I can only say that some ties in my life ended up getting cut, but others were left to flourish.  I have known trans-folk who ended up cutting all ties, but really that is a decision only you can make.

Most importantly if you do leave, do you have have somewhere safe to go? - even if it is temporary so you can catch your breath and have some time out from your situation.  Are you seeing a therapist at the moment? because if you are I think it would be a very good idea to talk to them as soon as possible so you can get some kind of support system set in place.

My marriage partner had bi-polar disorder so the blaming, abuse and accusations cast my way after I came out were shocking.  More than once I was thrown out and then I'd be barely settled in some temporary situation and the pleading would start for me to come back home.  Like a fool I would return and of course the cycle would start again.  Finally I did go, but not before I was walking wounded and soon to be diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder which took me years to recover from.

It is a decision you can only make, but it sounds to me that you seriously need to have some form of respite from your situation.

[Lady Smith]

Looking back on your posts I can see that your husband has threatened suicide if you transition.  Having been in the same situation of somebody using a suicide threat as a lever against me and being fool enough to give in I can only tell you that if your husband wants to top himself that's his decision and you don't need to feel guilty about it.  What is important right now is your own survival because if you haven't got yourself you've got nothing.
I used to work in Triage at a mental health clinic and a good deal of my time was spent talking to suicidal people.  And of course having come so close to hanging myself it wasn't funny gave me an understanding about suicide that wasn't anything I'd learned in a textbook.

Edit:  Should you decide to leave and if you really are worried about your husbands safety write out the adult mental health service's crisis team phone number for your area in large numbers with a felt tip pen on a piece of cardboard and leave it by the phone.  Should you be called on your cell after you leave and your husband threatens suicide call the crisis team yourself, give them his address and and phone details and tell them you are concerned for his safety. 

You're the breadwinner too so perhaps your husband might just have to get himself a job while you're taking time to get yourself back on your feet.

[Clever]

Lady Smith,

Thank you so much for your replies. I was pretty ready to bolt last night (why are things so much harder at nighttime?), but today I think I can be more rational about things. A bit any way.

You're right. I need a respite from this, badly. I see my therapist on Monday, so that will help.

There's a LOT of guilt I've internalized about how my selfishness is going to ruin a whole bunch of lives. I guess I really need to pick that apart and look at it. I try to tell myself I can just "push through" and "get along" without transitioning until the three people who will be most hurt by this--spouse, and parents--are deceased. But that kind of rationale makes the future until that time look very bleak.

There's a huge part of me that's very strident about insisting I "man up" and just ride this out without transitioning for a few more decades. But then there's the part of me that would leave with the cats in the night and just let everyone else deal with the fallout. I know, rationally, there's a middle ground--coming out to my parents and transitioning right here in my current life--but that's the path with the most pain. And pain sucks.

I'm rambling again. Anyway, thanks a lot for listening and responding. It means a lot.

[adrian]

Hey Clever,

I can relate to this feeling so much. I have these moments where I just want to bolt. But then I tell myself, I can still bolt if everything blows up, and chances are that not all the bad things I imagine are going to happen will happen. Try to tackle all of these things one at a time. Maybe start with something that isn't as threatening as coming out to your parents or at your workplace. Is there anyone else you could confide in and go to for support? A friend? Maybe a trans group? They certainly aren't everyone's cup of tea, but I actually enjoy going to mine (although -- or maybe because ? -- it consists almost exclusively of women, there's only one other guy there, lol). The simple fact of not having to explain to people there how I feel and why. The fact that they use my male name and correct pronouns. All of this helps.

And yeah, nighttime is always worse. I have my darkest thoughts at night. I fight them with audio books!

[cindianna_jones]

My family cut me off. I was pretty much run out of my job. All my friends thought I was crazy. My church hounded me every day, sent people to my apartment, and even followed me around.

I had no choice but to leave. I did wait long enough until I could pass well. That was pretty important for me. I had to get a job so I could pay my child support, so I had to look and be the professional marketing manager that I was. Later on, after my surgery, I decided to go back into engineering and it took a year to go through yet one more job where they found out and got rid of me. But after that, my life was my own. My family came around pretty quick. They couldn't accept what I had done but they didn't want to lose me either. My kids are now adults and they are coming back to me. In fact, I'm seriously considering selling my home here in CA and moving back to Utah. I'm just dying to take my mother to church 😉 Yeah, they excommunicated me, but I doubt they'll throw me out. I'm an atheist now. I just want to give a little back, if you know what I mean.

Cindi

[FriendsCallMeChris]

It helped me that I made a plan to bolt. And yes, I'm doing it. I'm putting it into place a few months early so everything isn't quite as neat and secure as I'd like, but then, I'm not sure it ever would be.  Leaving is a messy business, w/ or w/out the trans*element.  I'm at the place where 1) I'm worth living a good life for and 2) I am having to be cautious to keep from creating situations that could escalate so I can 'justifiably' grandstand out.
So I'm leaving in an orderly way and looking forward to it

Good luck to you! You aren't alone here.  I def. understand. I'm betting a lot of us do. 

[Clever]

Try to tackle all of these things one at a time. Maybe start with something that isn't as threatening as coming out to your parents or at your workplace. Is there anyone else you could confide in and go to for support? A friend? Maybe a trans group?

This is a great idea, Adrian: breaking things down into bite-sized pieces. I followed your advice and emailed my therapist back today about joining a support group for trans guys. I'm nervous, but I bet it will be good to speak to others in the same (or at least a similar) situation.

Cindi: thanks for sharing your story with me. It sounds like you were as methodical about your leaving as you possibly could be. That sounds like it was a good way to handle it, even if it wasn't your choice. I'm really happy to hear you've come out the other side as strong as you are, and that you're even willing to consider revisiting some relationships that once seemed lost. It's very inspiring.

Chris: thanks a lot for your candid answer. What I'm getting from both you and Cindi is that even cutting ties requires some forethought, and is never as easy as just ripping off a band-aid. I suppose I'm trying to avoid pain, but I see there's unavoidable pain whichever path I take. I wish you the very best of luck as you execute your own plan. Thanks for taking the time to write--it's so appreciated.