Anyone else feel like people are just gendering you correctly to be nice?

[androgynouspainter26]

Like, they know and don't see you as a *real* woman, but they still call you "she" just because they can tell it's what you'd like?  I feel like I'm lying to people when I tell them my name and stuff now, and perhaps they feel like they're lying when they call me that name too.  Am I alone in feeling like everyone else actually sees me as a man, like I kinda sorta see myself a lot of the time?

[Ms Grace]

Well, hey, at least they're being nice to you!

To be honest I often feel there is a fair degree of people humouring us in the early stages of transition to keep us happy or whatever, but honestly I still believe that counts as respect. And I'll take whatever I can get, thank you very much.

[Serena]

I wished people were that nice to me too! Well being serious, I don't go full time yet, because my mom doesn't want me to, so I don't know, but I don't think strangers would care to hurt your feeling or not... Also there are many nasty transphobic people who would gender you incorrectly if given the chance.

[evecrook]

I live on a block on the main street of a downtown across the street from a major University. everyone has seen me for between 20 years or each new semester the turn style of students that sees me everyday , I get sir all the time even though physically changing quite a bit. If I get totally dressed up I'll get the ma'am treatment , but if I'm not totally dressed up the sir is always there just because 20 years of presenting male and everyone who's seen me has seen me all those years as male, but I get the feeling that all these people are purposely emphasizing the sir to finally push me off the cliff to get my wings and be the person I truly am. I know one store clerk who has seen me all dressed up , smiles and say's hi when I'm go to go, but when I'm not totally invisible , doesn't say a word to me. I could be wrong , but I think everyone is trying to  help me. I think a lot of people around my neighborhood would just smile if I finally just took the final step and be myself. An awful lot of female students smile at me and I think it's because they see how close I am to sprouting wings. I may be answering the OP's question in a different way in that I'm saying people are siring me because they want me to get over the hurdle , but I could be wrong and just fantasizing wishful thinking. I know my therapist is trying to push me over the last hurdle. she's my biggest cheerleader.

[suzifrommd]

It's easy to get in the trap of saying "people are doing ___", when every human being you encounter is different. Some might be clocking you and humoring you. Some are genuinely supportive. Some just don't care about gender. Some are dismissive of the whole gender transition thing but don't want to look narrow-minded. You can't really lump everyone into one category, can you?

[mfox]

I think it depends if they're clued-in or not; if they know how to read LGBT in general; butch, queer, trans, etc.  I was once called miss and ma'am by a woman working at an airport, even though I was clearly dressed male. I can only think she read me.

Like you said Eve, I get sir'd too a lot if I'm not dressed fem including makeup.  But when I'm presenting androgynous, sometimes I wonder.. do some people sir me to be nice because they think I'm FtM?

[ImagineKate]

Like, they know and don't see you as a *real* woman, but they still call you "she" just because they can tell it's what you'd like?

Not at all. I can tell people don't know because it's my voice that outs me and people will show surprise in their faces and switch to "sir" in an instant. So based on that I know that they see a (cisgender) woman. Clocking doesn't happen often these days because I try to talk in a higher pitch and that gets me by at least. I can tell when people are being nice to me and know I'm trans because those are usually trans people or people I tell. So yeah I get clocked a lot less than I thought I did.

Dress plays less of a role except when I'm wearing really big jackets and even then people more often than not just don't use gender pronouns or. Maybe then they are being nice or more likely are unsure whether I'm a man or woman.

For example at my doctors office I know they could tell because they have LGBT patients (it is where I get HRT after all) and they are trained to deal with us. So most of the staff are sure to know the pronouns. Some even ask what is our preferred name. I can tell some people are using their training and aren't really instinctively seeing me as a woman.

But at the supermarket, Walmart and other places they really aren't and I get addressed properly. In fact I confuse people even when I present male because I did that in some situations where I have to show my ID and name such as picking up from the pharmacy. Now I more or less don't care and present female and people are still confused the same way. A woman at the post office also thought I was my wife when I went to pick up a package lol... And I was in full dude mode.

[ImagineKate]

It's easy to get in the trap of saying "people are doing ___", when every human being you encounter is different. Some might be clocking you and humoring you. Some are genuinely supportive. Some just don't care about gender. Some are dismissive of the whole gender transition thing but don't want to look narrow-minded. You can't really lump everyone into one category, can you?

Yeah I agree. I live in a rural town and I expected nothing but trouble. I mean there are stars and bars flying in abundance here and my neighbors phoned town hall when we moved in to say that terrorists moved in. But actually I go all over as me and nobody seems to care. I think they either don't know I'm trans or aren't really up to speed on what gender transition looks like.

[Miyuki]

Personally, no, I really don't think they are. It's funny, because when I was starting out, I thought I would never pass consistently without having a laundry list of cosmetic procedures done, but as it turns out the bar for passing wasn't nearly as high as I thought it would be. I was just being too hard on myself early on, and I really shouldn't have been. It wasn't until I really started thinking of myself as female in my own mind, that I started to be able to see that things really weren't that bad. Even though I wasn't perfect, there was nothing about my appearance that would out me to someone who didn't know what to look for.

What I've come to understand, is that there are three kinds of passing. There is "passing", where you are probably being clocked most of the time, but people are respectful enough to gender you correctly, based on your presentation. Then there is just regular passing, where there are things about you that may stick out or seem out of place, but they aren't enough to cause most people to question your gender. Then there is stealth, where no one would ever know you were transgender unless you told them. Stealth is really hard, and it may be beyond a lot of us. Even regular passing requires some work, because you can be outed by things like your voice, even if you do everything else right. But if most people gender you correctly when you're wearing jeans and a t-shirt, it's pretty safe to say you have reached that level.

[Girl Beyond Doubt]

You could possibly twist this to fuel your raging depression, but I think that most people are unprepared when suddenly a trans person appears in a place where they can not ignore them, and they cope with this within their limits and capabilities. That may mean that they use the correct pronouns while they are still trying to adapt to the new situation. They may even know themselves that they need more time.
We ourselves spend so much time coming to grips with who we are, sometimes we forget that the people around us have less resources to spare for that task, and they have to catch up when we come out to them.
At my place of work most colleagues use the correct pronouns when they talk about me, very few don't. In the latter case, most often I think it is not more than a slip of tongue. In the former case, I notice the insecurity in the fraction of a second before they say my name or the pronoun. In both cases, I do not hold it against them. If I were in their place, I do not think I could do much better.

Do not only think about what they do, think about what you would do in their place, and why. They are only human.

[akegia]

Well, hey, at least they're being nice to you!

To be honest I often feel there is a fair degree of people humouring us in the early stages of transition to keep us happy or whatever, but honestly I still believe that counts as respect. And I'll take whatever I can get, thank you very much.

I wouldn't mind honestly if they were doing it just to humor me. As long as they are being nice then like Ms Grace said I'll take it!

[mmmmm]

Also there are many nasty transphobic people who would gender you incorrectly if given the chance.

... but there are also wonderful and nice women and men who will see you are trying to pass and look feminine, and will be nothing but respectful and nice to you (and will use correct pronouns). And because most people are nice it makes life a lot easier for those who are in early stages in transition and therefore not (yet) passable. 

[marsh monster]

I've always felt that way and since I do know so many people and with all the gossip around here, I'm pretty darned sure I am right. But then I am in a different situation than many would be in relation to how small the town is and how well I am known. But most people are still nice and seem to like me because they always see me as nice and friendly. Of course, there are the few holdouts who misgender intentionally, even to the extreme that they will accidently gender me correctly without thinking, then realize what they did and change it to misgender me, those I have a low of opinion of as people because I know they are doing it just to be mean, even one of the local preachers seems to enjoy doing that to me.

[mrs izzy]

I feel in general people are worried more about there own lives to care much for what's going on in mine or others.

[Sunderland]

Like, they know and don't see you as a *real* woman, but they still call you "she" just because they can tell it's what you'd like?  I feel like I'm lying to people when I tell them my name and stuff now, and perhaps they feel like they're lying when they call me that name too.  Am I alone in feeling like everyone else actually sees me as a man, like I kinda sorta see myself a lot of the time?

It's just the anxiety making you think that, sweetie. It's usually pretty obvious when someone is just trying to humor you, and most people are not going to be that considerate if they don't actually see you as a woman.

I'll say it again: I think you're exceptionally cute, and very passable.

[bibilinda]

Grace,

I would really like to know what are the stages of transition, and most specifically what are the early ones you talk about.

Me and several TG friends who have been on HRT for more than three years time --this will be  my 6th, in July-- and try to present as female as possible in public given our physical limitations, still feel like many people are just humoring us, which would mean that being on the early stages of transition has nothing to do then, with how long we have been on HRT right?

Cheers

Bibi B.

[Ms Grace]

Grace,

I would really like to know what are the stages of transition, and most specifically what are the early ones you talk about.

Me and several TG friends who have been on HRT for more than three years time --this will be  my 6th, in July-- and try to present as female as possible in public given our physical limitations, still feel like many people are just humoring us, which would mean that being on the early stages of transition has nothing to do then, with how long we have been on HRT right?

I tried to transition (as "Julie") in 1989 when I was in my early 20s. I was on hrt for two years and increasingly struggling with confidence. I didn't believe I passed - I did, or at least I did in a dress,not so much in jeans but that's a different story. I believed people were humouring me, I believed they were laughing behind me behind my back, I believed I was a joke, I worried endlessly about what everyone thought and it undermined my confidence and I could no longer pursue transition so threw in the towel in 1991 after 26 months on HRT without even trying to go full time. Then I spent the next twenty or so years in denial about being trans. Fortunately I also spent that time working on my insecurities too. This time I went full time after 9 months on HRT, despite being 48. A combination of more confidence, of not giving a $#%* what others thought, and not being prepared to wait a minute longer to live my life as me propelled me over the line. And it was the best decision I ever made.

[ImagineKate]

I feel in general people are worried more about there own lives to care much for what's going on in mine or others.

+ 1 million

When I first started going out as the real me I would think that everyone laughing was aimed at me. Then I realized they really weren't because I heard roughly the same laughing when I was heavily covered up in dude mode. So people just make jokes and laugh among themselves about all sorts of things.

And people I walk right next to are either busy tending to their kids or otherwise minding their own business. Even people I physically bump into don't give me a second look. At all. Not even kids stare. They are busy giving their parents trouble! As I keep saying, "embrace the normal." Unless you go out in a manner that makes you stand out you really won't attract attention. Don't worry about looking "manly" unless you have a beard (and even then if it's not too bad) or your voice is clearly male (which can be fixed with training). I see a lot of "manly" looking cisgender women, pregnant or with kids. Human faces and bodies come in all shapes and sizes.

[Zoetrope]

Sure, all of the time.

I'm totally fine with that, too. It's an indication that society is progressing on the issue. It's not pity or anything like that. It is real compassion and support.

To be honest though, I never over-invested in being seen as a 'real woman'.

My point of view is this. I am not a real woman, never will be. I was in a guy's world for 34 years. I *am* a transsexual. Dead simple.

I will never go out of my way to hide it. I am so much happier for accepting my place as a trans-person, than I ever was clinging to the unrealistic hope of 'forgetting who I have been' altogether.

Just being 'in-between' right now is such an improvement on my old life. I don't take it for granted.

[Mariah]

It shouldn't matter why someone does it as long as they do it because in the end it all boils down to the same thing being considerate and polite in regards to a persons gender. I'm glad they do regardless of their reasons. At least their doing something rather than some that we knew pre transition won't no matter how passable we are. It really comes down to the thought that counts. Now I know your mainly wondering because of your passability or your lack of it you feel. I understand but do know often we can't tell who is doing it for one reason or another and then you have those times where we all have used the male references towards everyone without real consideration towards gender in general even though many, if not all of us, hate this fact. Lastly, as others have said, most are more concentrating on their own lives to pay attention us anyway so as long as we blend in enough no one is going to pay any attention to us. It comes down to how we carry ourselves, feel about ourselves. If we doubt ourselves, it shows and as a result they will often gender us the wrong way. You can take what they say either in a positive or negative light. I personally would rather at look at the positive side of it and all I care about is being my true authentic self. You need to live and let go of those things we can not control. I know it's easier said than down, but it really boils down to that. Some people are going to look more masculine, feminine, or andro than other people. My family's facial features tend to lean down that middle of the road which is why everything else I do or my sister does can make us lean one or another sometimes. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah