A few months back I was very unsure if I REALLY was trans*. Now those thoughts are practically gone.
I identify as agender, genderqueer or non-binary trans. I'm not sure if I want to have the beard and the body-hair but I know I'm not a woman. Part of that is because I really dislike being called lesbian even though I'd liked girls my whole life. I don't like that word because it implies an amount of 'womanhood' I don't have (or that I don't
want to have, perhaps). I hate having boobs and I've alwasy have. The idea of taking T sounds good sometimes but other times it scares me... still, there's something on the back of my head that tells me someday I will take it, I will not live my whole life with this body... I don't know when that will happen, though.
I like to play with words, I'm a linguistic after all and I find peace when I put my feelings, emotions and ideas on tangible words.
The word transgender and transexual to me, are very similar to the word transgress wich, according to wordreference is
Quoteto go beyond the limits imposed by (a law, etc.); violate; infringe.
I dress in men's clothing almost everyday, I wear short hair, I walk like a man. But I know I don't pass as one (sometimes this bothers me, sometimes I try to not think about it). I like to think that being trans or at least being non-binary is to transgress the gender norms, the gender binary. I know I do that from the moment I wake up so I'm not afraid anymore to say that I am transgender.
This comes with a lot of complications specially living in a spanish speaking country. In english, most genderqueer individuals use they/them pronouns or xe/xir, etc. Spanish does not have such flexibility, making it imposible to have genderneutral pronouns. Besides, it has a mark of gender or almost every adjective and noun (for example words like teacher (maestro/a) and lawyer (abogado/a) have a gender mark; student (estudiante), however, doesn't). This brings a lot of complications in the linguistic level of being genderqueer but it surely deserves its own topic.Basically what I want to say is that I'm really happy I've finally found myself and I'm no longer afraid to say it outloud... well, actually I am except for some of my friends... but I'll get there eventually, I hope.
