So much for friendship

[NickSister]

I think I have just lost my only real male friend. I mean I have others - like people I am friends with at work, and people that me and my wife are friends with and occasionally have dinner parties etc.
But if I was going to list my real friends I would say he was the only one I had any connection with at more than a superficial level.
It was not like we hung out all the time. We used to be in a band together for an intensive couple years, but after that broke up we would still meet once a week for lunch and the occasional invites to birthday parties, email chats etc.. it was humming along just nice for a couple years, always had lots to talk about, would share important stuff. But somewhere along the way I started to realise I was the one organising the lunch meets and initiating the email conversations. I was putting in all the effort to maintain the relationship. So I stopped and have not heard from him since. It has been over a month.

I just feel a bit bummed is all. I guess his friendship meant more to me than I to him. But I miss him. 

I need some new mates..

[Maebh]

I think I have just lost my only real male friend...
We used  meet once a week for lunch and the occasional invites to birthday parties, email chats etc.. had lots to talk about, would share important stuff.
But somewhere along the way I started to realise I was the one organising the lunch meets and initiating the email conversations. I was putting in all the effort to maintain the relationship. So I stopped and have not heard from him since. It has been over a month.
I just feel a bit bummed... I guess his friendship meant more to me than I to him. But I miss him. 
I need some new mates..

Hi NikSister,
So you where the one always making the first step and organising? Did he ever made any excuse not to meet you?
Have you asked him why he hasn't contacted you?
Sometime we get into the habit to surrender the responsibility of making contact to the other. I know that myself I often get caught into the routine of everyday life and forget to contact friends, I might think about them and mean to do so but then the mondane takes over and I forget again. If they contact me or I bump into them by chance I'm delighted and really have a great time catching up.
May be I am just plain lazy or afraid to disturb them or is it a remand of my male social conditioning that I need to shake up? I don't really know but thanks for your post. I know realise that they too might be hurt or peeved off. So because the friendship is precious I'll make the effort. Do you want to give up on this friendship or would you risk to share with him these feelings that he might not be aware of?

LLL&R

Maebh

[NickSister]

Good thoughts. I have thought about some of those things you said and considered he has just gotten caught up in life, it wasn't like we were in constant contact so it is kind of easy to drift out of touch. I accept that.

But I really believe that to keep close friends you have to make an effort, it was just that the effort started to be one sided and I got to thinking that really I deserve a more equal friendship. I think it is perfectly ok to have friends you are out of touch with and you just bump into, at least both sides are putting in the same effort and everything works sweet. People need to meet you half way.

Probably the reality is we have just been drifting out of each others circles for some time but I was still hanging in there because I needed it more. Since moving to my country he has meet a lot more people and those social contacts have probably gained more importance than our infrequent contact. It started to feel like he only got in touch when he needed something - like help moving.

I think I have reached a point where I feel it is not worth maintaining the relationship if I'm making all the effort. Maybe it has just gotten too hard on both sides, what with our busy schedules, young families, living at different ends of town, different lifestyles.