Monday morning I called my doctor and was shocked and excited to be able to schedule an appointment for Tuesday. I had recieved notice on Sunday that I was cleared to begin HRT. That Monday morning I sprang the news on my Mom. I'm staying with her in New Jersey, my doctor is in my home city, Boston. I don't drive stick so I had to ask my mother if she would drive me the 230 miles to Boston and back again, she glady said yes. I spent the rest of that morning in a daze of disbelief. That afternoon I had to be on the other side of North Jersey, my Pop needed my help moving some heavy, dusty things. I am always glad to lend a hand. Seeing him and my Uncle I felt an incredible distance, I felt like a tool that they had wielded for so long but I was about to break free. I had also hoped to find a pair of my Mom's pants from the 1970's that I had worn in highschool when I first began to know my true self, just before I ran in fear and hid it all away.
One of the things my Pop needed was his matress changed for a new one. Under his old one were boards from the bunk beds my brother and I had shared. I had forgotton about all the drawings and admissions of personal pain I had scrawled on them. I dutifully moved them back to his attic and went to look for the pants. They were not to be found. I must have thrown them out with my other clothes on a terrible morning so many years ago. After a bit more heavy lifting my work for my father was done and my mother and I departed. I became overwhelmed with sadness. I had hoped for a home coming, to reconnect with the scared me of twenty years ago and to bring that me along on my new journey. Instead I found something better, the pain and fear, but this time I had the strength to leave them behind. My Mom and I continued on to a craft store, to buy the things she needed for a dress she is sewing that she needs my help with.
On Tuesday I awoke early and we set off for Boston not too long after. My Mom put on earings that had belonged to her Grandmother and Mother as a symbolic gesture to mark the momentous day. She was excited to be participating in the making of her daughter that she had always wanted but never known. I was still worried that it would all go wrong, that I had made a mistake and the day wasn't to be what I thought. But when I got to the clinic that had melted away, surounded by other lgbt folk I went from worried to fidgety and excited. My doctor rushed through my visit and answered my questions sending my prescription to the pharmacy on the first floor. She wished me "happy hormones!"
In a state of barely restrained excitement I tripped down the stairs and gathered my pills. When I stepped outside to go back to my Mom waiting in her car a block away a warm New England sun shone meekly through the spring clouds and warmed my face. I dithered on our way out of the city, back to the highway, I was worried that the HRT might make me nauseous and I am already prone to motion sickness. But I could not wait. I took my first dose of spiro and then placed the estrogen under my tongue and let it melt as the rush hour trafic swirled around me. As the trafic cleared, so did my mind. I began to laugh and cry in such joy and relief. The day I thought would never come finally had and I knew that it was all going to be ok. We drove home to Jersey, my first home, to my Mom's side of the Northern end of the state. The trip, the homecoming trip that I had been trying to make happen for years but never felt had finally happened. I am becoming the woman I was always meant to be, right when I was supposed to, everything feels right.
