So I was on this forum a few months ago and I was making attempts at therapy and seriously looking at making steps to transition. Then I got cold feet and decided to just focus on other things and be a man.
It's worked pretty well until recently, my social life picked up, I got in better shape, started doing better in my college work and I wasn't depressed as often. Recently it all came crashing down.
I've been seeing a girl recently, she's really nice and after a few weeks I finally went back to her place. Eventually we got down to sex and that's when the dysphoria kicked in. I realised how jealous I was of her, I didn't want to be with her, I wanted to be her. The only way I was able to perform was by pretending I was experiencing what she was and ignoring my own sensations. It probably sounds weird.
Anyway it definitely made me feel guilty, it feels like I'm being dishonest with her or just using her, which isn't fair because she's actually a fantastic girl. I would love to have a relationship with her but I really don't enjoy the idea of sex as a man.
Basically I think I'm just really dysphoric about sex. I can socialise as a man, dress as a man, act like a man without too many issues but when it comes to my genitals or sex it's just impossible for me.
So I think I should break up with this girl.. It sucks because I'm kind of lonely and this just seems like an obstacle to any future relationship. I'm not attracted to men so being gay isn't really an option either..
