Sometimes I feel like I'm stupid-lucky. Often really. Like, I often find dropped money, or when I make a spontaneous choice to walk a different route and see something happen of great interest or I cross paths with someone I haven't seen in years. It scares me how often it happens. Sometimes I've wished I could consciously harness this 'power' so that I might not be so scared of the future. (Ya, I know - double-edged sword...)
I'd mentioned in another thread recently that I was planning to come out to my brothers over the Easter weekend. This felt like a greater challenge for me than when I came out to my parents. It certainly didn't help that my parents were just as worried as I was about how they would react. This fed a massive anxiety around approaching the situation.
On Saturday I was feeling lousy and had a headache all day. By evening it resulted in having a very long talk with my mom. While she supports me, I think she suffers from worry that I won't be treated well when I go full-time in my regular circles. Certainly this doesn't align with my part-time experience so far. I couldn't help but buy-in to this paranoia though in regards to family and my most immediate relationships. This led to it taking me three years to get around to speaking to my brothers and leaving them almost until last of everyone I intended to tell personally.
Sunday was 'D-day' and the whole family was supposed to be going out for brunch. I got out of bed feeling awful and ended up huddled in a ball on the couch shaking and with tears streaming down my face. My mom tried to console me but by then it was time to leave and I had to pull myself together and get ready to go. I have to credit my male life-experience for giving me the ability to privately purge my emotions in private little bursts and then put a brave public face on in order to function again. That said I was visibly distressed during the meal and my brother's thought it must be the food. I couldn't eat very much though.
Everyone returned to the family home to hang out for a bit. My brothers no-longer live at home and it was the only thing that ever allowed me to progress my transition as far as I had. I'd been waiting for the right moment to speak to them but that feeling never came. As they were getting ready to leave with jackets already on I called them back over to the livingroom knowing I'd better deal with it now because it wasn't ever going to be easier. I felt that at least they would have the immediate opportunity to make an exit if things went 'sour'.
I began a long-winded explanation of my situation but soon they sort of stopped me. They simply said matter-o-factly, "Don't worry about it - you're family." I felt like it couldn't be that easy and I continued to say more. I've socialized with many of their friends often and I was worried some of their friends would react very badly. Their immediate response? "You leave those kind of friends behind. We won't have any problem doing that."
At this point I felt quite a bit more relaxed but my brain was having trouble processing what had just happened, like three years of anxiety shouldn't be washed away so easily. I'm still having a hard time believing it. One of my brothers even said that he'd pretty much figured out on his own what had been going on and it appears now he's had some open discussion about it amongst some of his friends.
Afterwards my parents expressed their great surprise at my brothers fully positive response. I think this will make a world of difference for my mom because she will feel empowered and because there won't be so much pressure on her to 'sell people on my identity'.
In the end I feel incredibly lucky but also that whoever remains to be told is of very little consequence to me. Soon my situation will be announced at work but it is being heavily orchestrated by powerful people so I'm not actually very anxious about it now. Basically, all the people I felt most-heavily invested in now know. I feel like I'm ready to face my up-coming challenges (work situation, surgery, full-time) because I'm surrounded by protective and powerful supporters who will stick up for me and help spread the word. Like I said before, stupid-lucky!
