Transition: what is holding you back?

[RebeckaJensen]

And thank you Tessa for the welcoming, it's really nice to find a place like this where I can read about others situation and you know... get to know more about how it is for others on their different stages of transitioning (or non-transitioning) 

[DanaDane]

Doubt delays me.  I'm a cranky perfectionist.

THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS

[michelleinil]

Family, Kids, Living in a backwards area that is still in the 60's

[Swayallday]

Weltschmerz: Physical reality can never attain the desires of the mind.
My ->-bleeped-<- not having a somewhat biological/"genuine" basis.
HRT not being sufficient, science lacking in knowledge of the bigger picture & pharmacology/chemistry of hormones, genes, modulators, hormonal makeup, brainwiring, etc.
it being a coping mechanism for reality due to psychological trauma (feels disrespectful to women)
Perhaps i'm so lonely I look for a woman in myself.
Intellectual asynchronity compared to emotional intensity, a construct/fabric of my mind.
It being a sexual compulsion.
It being a call for attention, and only that.
The ever-lasting doubts and possible regret afterwards.
Losing my friends, people I know.
Not passing, don't really care about, rest of the world seems to do though.
Not finding love in life.
Professional & economic worries.

Fear of being violated, being attacked.
Fear of anger management issues due to women being made fun of, joked about, discriminated against in some industries and me not taking any of that.
Fear of relapsing into drug abuse
Not being accepted by other women
Being misunderstood and having no rightful way or explanation.
In debate with myself if it feels valid to change my biological sex since "being male" has already afflicted all of my body and it's workings.
Wondering if there are other ways to deal with it.
Not having children
Fear of surgery and phantom pains.
Feelings of vanity based on the idea there are worse things out there.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/4-reasons-we-suck-at-making-big-decisions/
Also this xD

[CrysC]

I used to have fear of this and how people would think of me.  Now, I don't care except my wife and kids. 
If other people can't accept it then to heck with them!  It's my life and I only get one!

So I am moving slowly to minimize the brain damage I'll cause the kids.  My wife has finally made it there and accepts me.  The kids only just found out so it will take time. 

Here's the deal though that you need to know Clever, I waited way too long to do this.  I'm 49 now.  The single upside is having been able to raise my kids in a stable environment.  The negative is I've wanted to do this since forever.

If you think really have this, look it in the eyes, see if it's real.  Talk to a therapist and if it's real then start the change even if it's slow steps.  Pierce an ear, wait a while then pierce another.  Slowly start hair removal.  During that time you build your courage and conviction.

Good luck with figuring it out.

[EmilyRyan]

Homelessness caused by rejection. Though I have a job I doubt I still could afford a place to live 

[Kayleewantsout]

For me there are few reasons,

I am trying to shed some weight first while I still have the evil T word as I have read it becomes harder when I start E.

Strangely enough my wife even though she already knows I'm somehow scared that we may drift apart. Without her I don't know what my life would be like without her, I'm not even sure I could embrace transition if it meant we weren't together.

My children are the major reason, I don't want my actions to affect their social development. I'm worried they will have to be always defending their second mum when I transition having said that I am fairly certain they will be fine.

I also work in a heavily male dominant profession but at least there are very strict discrimination guidelines. It's also a very physically demanding job so I'm thinking I may need to change career.

Apart from my wife and kids I really don't mind how the rest of the world reacts, so long as I have them nothing else matters.

Now I'm just waiting on an appointment with a therapist to fully understand before I start letting Kaylee free.

All I know for sure is after 15 years of keeping her locked up she has never stopped trying to get out no matter how hard I try to suppress it. Now every moment that I am not losing myself in what I am doing my thoughts are constantly on transition and how much happier i will be when she is can free.

-Kaylee

[AshBear]

I was about to begin talking to someone about hormones but my father just passed away 7 days ago so now I really won't be able to transition for at least another year or two as I'm only 16 and now my mom has to pay 2000$+ for expenses and such which to some of you might not sound like much but we're not the highest earning family so it'll be a while so there's no chance I'll be able to begin hormones now :c

[Willowicious]

A couple of reasons:

First, my hopelessness of passing at the moment (too much bodily hair which grows back immediately after it's shaved, non-fem face, poor make up skills, a lack of curves, a large beer belly, my androgynous mannerisms, etc.)
Another is the impact it will have on my family. I told my sister and mother I was gay, but I feel that they would respond less positively to being trans. My father is quite misogynistic, and often uses 'gay' as a negative adjective, so I'm pretty sure he would not respond well...

[kaidenhendricks89]

I didn't realize I was trans until about a year before I began to transition but I always struggled with being unhappy and uncomfortable in my own skin, for years I abused drugs and alcohol,  this only masked the problem. Eventually I was able to come to terms with things but I didn't transition right away because I was worried about what everyone else would think, or treat me and was worried about how difficult it could make my life.  It was my actually my wife who pushed me and gave me the confidence to transition and I'm so grateful to her for that because all of the fears I had about transitioning didn't come true. My employer and coworkers have been supportive and my family has been to. I realize I'm very fortunate in this aspect but it just goes to show that you can't predict the future, or how people will react.  At the end of the day people are selfish by nature so why sacrifice your happiness to avoid possibly making others uncomfortable. We all deserve to be happy, life is much to short to live in misery to make others happy.

[Tamika Olivia]

Nothing yet... but I'm worried. Inertia has always been a defining part of my character. I get comfortable, or at least sedentary, and it kills any forward momentum I might have. My conscious awareness of my identity has given me a spurt of energy I've not had in years. I've set up an appointment with a gender therapist, spoke with a couple of friends about what I'm going through, started to diet and exercise, and begun dusting off my resumes to get a job with more security. It's been good and exciting, and I'm worried that one wave of apathy across the beach will wipe it all away. I'll still feel the same, but I'll go back to not doing anything about it. I'll sit... apathetic, depressed, and now fully aware that I should be someone else... someone better.

But, I'm determined not to let that happen! I've stolen a mantra from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, often referenced in scenes with Willow and Tara, "strong like an Amazon." I'm going to be strong like an Amazon, and fight my internal darkness and apathy as long as I have the strength to do so... and hopefully that will be enough.

[Mado G]

I'm holding me back. I've spent the last year trying to stuff the proverbial genie back in the proverbial pill bottle. Simultaneously, I've been telling everyone in my life that my first transition attempt was a big misunderstanding and putting my fingers in my ears at any incidental mention of gender diversity.

Now, not only do I have to start all over, but I'll eat some serious family crow. It may well the final straw in my marriage.

[RebeckaJensen]

Nothing yet... but I'm worried. Inertia has always been a defining part of my character. I get comfortable, or at least sedentary, and it kills any forward momentum I might have. My conscious awareness of my identity has given me a spurt of energy I've not had in years. I've set up an appointment with a gender therapist, spoke with a couple of friends about what I'm going through, started to diet and exercise, and begun dusting off my resumes to get a job with more security. It's been good and exciting, and I'm worried that one wave of apathy across the beach will wipe it all away. I'll still feel the same, but I'll go back to not doing anything about it. I'll sit... apathetic, depressed, and now fully aware that I should be someone else... someone better.

But, I'm determined not to let that happen! I've stolen a mantra from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, often referenced in scenes with Willow and Tara, "strong like an Amazon." I'm going to be strong like an Amazon, and fight my internal darkness and apathy as long as I have the strength to do so... and hopefully that will be enough.

It is very strong of you to share this, and I really believe that many of us can relate to it. I tend to sometimes end up in that place to and it really is dark there.. But somehow for me it's like once you get things rolling then it is easier to just go with it and keep being active about it and just not stop.. But that's probably very different for each individual!
But it's good that you are on ur way! Stay strong and fill your life with activity and motivation!
Lots of love and support from Sweden <3
- Rebecka

[Angieisalone]

My masculine face/body despite being on hrt for a few years.

[boredrooster]

Money, fear, lack of support, family, insecurity, body hair, college studies and dependency on my family.

[cheryl reeves]

the love i have for my wife and will not jepordize our marriage...31 yrs ago i thought about it but i met my soon to be wife and that ended that thought...im lucky though that she is ok with me dressing up time to time to calm myself down..

[Paige]

I just don't think I have the courage to do this.  I've tried so many times over the years and always chicken out.  My wife tolerates knowing I'm trans, but that's about it.  She doesn't want me to transition at all.  Any time something about me being transgender comes up, she get very quiet and distant.   I can understand that she doesn't want me to change but she's known about this for almost 30 years.  This isn't going away and it's driving me crazy.  I'm so depressed lately.

Also I don't want to do anything that might negatively affect my daughters.  They're almost adults now and I really scared to think how this would affect them.

Finally, my father is probably going to die soon. He's mid-eighties, but then I put off my first attempt when he had his first heart attack 35 years ago.  Thought my transition would kill him.  Now here we are again.  My parents don't know but whenever I showed my feminine side growing up, they were extremely negative. 

Yes, basically family.

Take care all,
Paige

[Serverlan]

Life.

[Peter Pan]

When it comes to physical transition, what's holding me back is the fear of how my close family and friends will react to the changes. I mean, changing my name and pronouns, even my attire and whatnot... it's hard, but it's nothing compared to the changes that would come with going on T. I have this fear that my mom won't be able to look at me anymore, or that my siblings would be weirded out. They all know I'm trans, and most (not all) of them aren't supportive of it already. So, I'm just afraid that the changes (esp. in the face) that would come with T–that I would normally be excited for–would make them avoid me, or cry if they saw me or something.

But I know I need to do what I feel is right for me, so I can't let them stop me. I just feel like I should move into my own place first, just in case the reactions are too awkward for me to be around them.

All that, and money. Lol.

[Sharon Anne McC]

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Excuses!

Excuses.

Excuses.

Excuses.

All I read were excuses.

And each one valid with each of you.

It is SO FRUSTRATING!  Isn't it.

You have every effort to progress forward, yet you remain either stuck or in reverse.  AGH!

Been there - done that - SO MANY TIMES.  My absolute and total empathies with each and every one who posted as well as in spirit for those who did not post for whatever your reason.

Allow me to begin comment that in my estimation it seems the most frequent reason is that you are subjugating yourself to someone else - spouse, mom, dad, brother, sister, friend, partner, co-worker, neighbour - for one reason or another.

I ask you to put this in reverse.  How well would these people subject themselves to subordinating their life goals to you?  Tough question.  Indeed.  Ponder that.  Many of you would not get their time of day from your people if push came to shove - that is the cold reality for most of us.  That is the fear for most of us.  We would rather retreat into some imaginary concept than face that harsh reality that we are all alone in our efforts.  Or at least alone in our personal lives.

You are not alone when you come here to this wonderfull place of support.  Thank you, Susan!

I faced my own dilemmas and my own excuses for many many years.  I began my transition in 1974 when I had a quick, chance meeting with Denise.  But I was stuck residing at a small town distant from anywhere.  Opportunity was nil 45 years ago so at least I pounded the local Public Library and read and read and read.  Finally I found a trans-friendly physician in 1978 and I was on my way; that led to getting my name Sharon and sex as female changed at SSA by September 1978.  It would take another year to finally get my first trans therapist, my first endo, and my fiirst ERT (Norinyl and then DES) (1979).  That led to getting my state to affirm my new name Sharon and sex as female; my first act was gong directly to MVD and getting my first driver's licence in my new name Sharon as female (1980).  More exhilaration and success.

But now what do I do with what seems to be everything in my hands.

The same excuses:  work, family, friends and social circles, church, daily errands.

I decided that I would transition my life in steps and in different elements of my life:  work, family, friends and social circles, church, daily errands.

My employer in 1978 knew of my legal changes because of SSA's discrepancy list - SSA reports to your employer if you work in one name but your SSA file is different.  My supervisor was the Personnel Manager; she kept reasonably mum, but I overheard her comments to

another office supervisor who spread it to others who spread it to still more at work and I was outed without coming out.  I kept quiet and focused on my job though I wrote an extended letter to her 'just in case'.  This was one opportunity to transition that I lost because I failed to see it at that time.  This same opportunity to transition as Sharon and female at work would come again a few years later (1983) with a different Personnel Office supervisor - this time in the face of being fired for being transsexual (she had it backward and thought I was a female working as a male).  This was a second opportunity to transition at work that I failed to recognise until years later.

I, too, was misguided about my family.  I spent years in feminine protesting since age three.  My immediate and extended family expected my eventual future but refused to accept me anyway; meanwhile I was afraid of losing them though I failed to recognise that I never had them. 

Another opportunity to transition that I lost because I failed to see it right in front of my eyes.

I had friends and a social life, but looking back, they were not in my corner.  So why did I subordinate myself to them when most all did not care one whit about me?  Fear of losing them; I lost them anyway.  Another opportunity to transition lost.

My father and that now-ex-friend Clint came to my home one evening and complained about what my change was doing to them. They were more interested in themselves.

I was active at my Catholic parish as a religious educator and as a teen / youth minister.  My church is among those who actively oppose transsexuals.  Though I had a supporting pastor and nun and a diocese award, I faced one opposing parent who forced me to quit that church.  But again I lost time on mis-guided notions rather than the opportunity to transition.

So at least I began transition during the mundane of life:  getting gasoline at the filling station, buying groceries, simply walking along the downtown streets in transition mode while on my days off work.  Small successes led to increased success.  I got the nerve to anonymously walk the business halls of places where I had been known as my male predecessor - it was my test to determine if anyone recognised me as female; no one recognised me.  I attended a Christmas pageant as Sharon my transitioned person; again, no one recognised me.  Each success meant that I 'passed the 'passing' test'.

Along the way, I dealt with an exploratory for inter-sex (1982) and a correction procedure (1983).

Since I was not residing where I really wanted to live, I quit my job in the midst of my supervisor firing me as transsexual (1985).  I totally departed every element of my life, moved to a new location and soon began my new life as Sharon and female.  This new location was now about a two hours drive from my father's home and only one soon-to-be-former-friend who knew my past (we would break up within weeks of me telling him).  This was a clean break from my past, a fresh start to my future, people would know me only as Sharon and female.  Success.

Thus ended my string of excuses and I began my new life unhindered by a past.  I went from part-time transition to full-time female and forever (June 1985).  Transition in any form and through any stumbles is still success. 

Please do not allow that money is holding you back.  Most communities nowadays have trans-friendly clinics on a sliding scale.  Most pharmacies have special generic-pricing that provide for three-month prescriptions at $10; I'm on MediCare and my price drops to less than $3 for three months of 2mg estradiol tablets.  Can;t afford electrolysis and you don't want to shave your face?  Don't shave.  I plucked my facial hairs - it took maybe an hour or so - I did it while watching TV before bedtime; my facial skin remained smooth and there is no shadow.  It did not hurt; my electrologist told me that plucking actually contributed to damaging the roots and make electrolysis easier to kill those damaged hair roots.

Looking back, I lost so many opportunities to transition because I thought I could please others in exchange for their support.  I learned they would NEVER accept me which meant I only had me to please.  My only regrets were that I did not do this as well as I could have due to all my lost opportunities that I failed to recognise.  Please recognise your opportunities and seize them.

I am pleased to be me - Sharon and female.

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