Hello

[Echo Eve]

Hello.

Here I am, another confused, dysphoric trans person looking for chat.

[katrinaw]

Hi Eve, Welcome 

You are not alone, just about all of us here have been there...

I am from Western Sydney 

L Katy

[Echo Eve]

Hi Katrina.

And what a funny old place it is to be!

I've been running in circles for a while now: CD-ing from age seven, parallel lives, realisation and convergence of those lives only 4-years ago, a child, HRT, off HRT, on HRT, off HRT, a separation, an interstate relocation, a new job, a new home, a bad hetero relationship, and now soon to be back on hormones within the month.

I feel a little weary.

I'm sure, however, that mine is a common story among the members here.

[Mariah]

Hi Echo Eve, welcome to Susan's. Sounds like you have been through a lot. I hope being here will help you through everything. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and hugs.
Mariah

[katrinaw]

Yes it's hard work, I wanted to be a girl from about 4, CD'ing from and during primary school, probably similar age, but used to play girly parts, damsels in distress from about 6 with my brother...
I did not know about GID, Dysphoria or how to become a girl till much later in life, actually in my early forties, but I still only played at being a woman, until I felt I couldn't handle it anymore.

Dysphoria comes and goes, for some its immediate and all consuming, I have learned to manage through out the years, but yes, it came and went so many times, getting stronger each time, I moved out to Australia in mid Eighties, to try and get a new life with my family and maybe escape the Dysphoria... only lasted about 2 years!, err that's the Dysphoria, but still here and loving it!

Went on HRT very late forties, wanted to see the changes before I fully come out, this year, although will be very much late year now is more like the target... but I will have fallout!

I am actually just got through a first Interview after 11 months of, part choice and slow market, regarding work, so been living off $$ earned in last role and some savings, after paying out loans... that was part of my planning for change! I am still in a very long term hetero relationship, wife of 40 odd years and Kids and grandkids...

It is hard work, very draining in fact, the Dysphoria, then its the getting on HRT planning etc... and Finding work is very draining, glad you are back on track, you'll get your energy back and be able to live life as you were meant to, so ummm yeah probably all similar stories... You are certainly not alone, I hope my brief summary wasn't taxing either 

L Katy 

[mrs izzy]

Welcome Echo Eve to Susan's family.
So many topics to explore and posts to read or write.
Many article of news, wiki, links, minecraft and chat.
Take some time and read over the links for the site rules.
Each link holds it own section.

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo , avatars, and signature images policy
  

Safe passage on your path.
Je suis un être humain,Popcorn?
Hugs

[V M]

Hi Eve 

Welcome to Susan's    Glad to have you here, join on in the fun

Hugs

V M

[Devlyn]

Hi Eve, welcome to Susan's Place! I'm from Boston. Glad you found us! See you around the site!

Hugs, Devlyn

[Echo Eve]

I did not know about GID, Dysphoria or how to become a girl till much later in life, actually in my early forties, but I still only played at being a woman, until I felt I couldn't handle it anymore.

Dysphoria comes and goes... I have learned to manage through out the years, but yes, it came and went so many times, getting stronger each time...

Went on HRT very late forties, wanted to see the changes before I fully come out... but I will have fallout!

You're situation is very much like my own. Even the psychology of transition and coming out.

How are you managing to continue with hormones under the radar, are you showing in any way?
I'm interested because that approach is exactly my thinking regarding transition, as in seeing how HRT goes.

I was on HRT for two separate 5-6 month periods (a year between each), stopping just before becoming obvious.
I hope I'm stronger this time. Without any support or chance to normalise transition, it's hard to believe that I can do it.

I also feel as though I'm betraying people, like my young son. You know, robbing him of a father.
Then again, as I regularly ideate suicide due to my dysphoria, my existence in any form is surely better than not existing.

[Echo Eve]

Hello Mrs Izzy, Mariah, V M and Devlyn. Glad to be here, too!

[Cindy]

Hi Eve,
Are you seeing a therapist? Some of these thoughts can be helped by talking to one.

[Echo Eve]

Hi Cindy.

I've seen a number of therapists over the last five years.
Some of them are very nice people, but I have to say that none of them have helped with my dark thoughts.
I'm not trying to be resistant to psychologists or psychiatrists, they just haven't helped.
Perhaps I'm not bright enough to absorb what they're saying :/

There may be light at the end of the tunnel, however, as I found a very good GP just down the road from me.
The huge surprise was that she's the go to person for the LGBT community. Didn't expect someone like that in my neighbourhood.
Anyway, she's got some great contacts, including psychiatrists, so maybe they'll be able to help.
I really hope so, as these thoughts concern me a lot.

[Cindy]

Good girl!

Most of us carry great baggage, PTSD etc, but with help we can work through it.

You sound like a very positive woman, even with your struggles, lets get you up and happy!

[katrinaw]

You're situation is very much like my own. Even the psychology of transition and coming out.

How are you managing to continue with hormones under the radar, are you showing in any way?
I'm interested because that approach is exactly my thinking regarding transition, as in seeing how HRT goes.

Yes, boobs, B cup, but wearing layers can hide, but I must admit I am becoming less inclined to hide it. Face has definitely changed and body shape.... I must admit I really don't know either, maybe those closest don't notice the changes as much as those that see you less frequently???

I was on HRT for two separate 5-6 month periods (a year between each), stopping just before becoming obvious.
I hope I'm stronger this time. Without any support or chance to normalise transition, it's hard to believe that I can do it.

I also feel as though I'm betraying people, like my young son. You know, robbing him of a father.
Then again, as I regularly ideate suicide due to my dysphoria, my existence in any form is surely better than not existing.

Firstly trust in yourself, you will be stronger for it, but do build a support group so that when you need somebody to go and talk to or cry to they are there for you.
Secondly the betrayal of your offspring is hard, but the longer you leave it the harder and more painful, to you and others, it will become... That's where I am now! But my resolve is stronger now. Please don't let your Dysphoria dominate your well being, be focused and set an action plan... BTW I do still cry a lot about still not having reached my goals or that I was born in the wrong body... but once I have sobbed my heart out the pain goes away for a while

If your Dysphoria does drive you down that dark place, you would need to see a therapist... its probably a good idea anyways... I have not yet, but intend to see a counsellor  a month or so before coming out and starting my final transitioning.

I don't know really know WA, but you can set yourself up a FB pseudo and look for local support groups/communities, they can be very helpful and as they are a little more local, you will get a network of local support if/as you need.

Hope this all helps.... take care...

L Katy 

[Echo Eve]

Thanks for the advice, Katy.

Once while on HRT someone mentioned out of the blue that my face looked quite feminine in a couple of photos. They had no idea I was on HRT, so it was a huge surprise. There has been no other time in my life where someone has said anything like that, so either a coincidence, or HRT was working very well.

I just noticed your signature says that you've been on HRT since 2003, has that been more or less constant up until today? Sorry to pry!!

[katrinaw]

ahem.... yes, very late forties... I had to see how I would fare, as each decade, they say, reduces the effects, it took around 5 years to get a big A cup... skin got softer within a few months, but body changes have taken forever... but on oral... this year its implants, want t loose the pills... but changes are still happening. Looking at the Tanner scales in am lining up as a classic girl to woman, they reckon it takes around 7 years to reach peak E levels (mine are now 270 something) and of course, after about 14 girls continue to develop their body shape... some are in their early twenties before full development has occurred, then other changes occur during pregnancies and child birth.

I knew it would take time after 30 odd years of T ravaging my body, but if I can't pass, I may not go fulltime, I just want to be able to talk with people without their first words being, geez were you a guy!!!!

Ooh a did take a few periods of 1 - 3 month hiatus' from HRT... these were either due to being out of country and not managing my meds properly, or going into hospitals, and one or two instances of got to try and get my life sorted... the latter was always a non event, after a week I was already fighting Dysphoria, breaking down after a couple of weeks and returning to my norm...

Another reason I did not transition sooner was that I was just too wrapped up in work.... using work from home days or trips away from home to be myself, away from home it was limited as I always put work first, often before my family, since way back before HRT even... hence some of my "delays" in telling the world.... 

L Katy 

[Echo Eve]

I'd like to go 'stealth', too. But I'm afraid that's unlikely. I'm not a man's man as far as looks go, but I'm definitely masculine (well, athletic looking, anyway) and I'm roughly the same age when you began HRT in earnest. In fact, as a performing artist, I was defined by my body and the gender of that body. I've always been told I have a great male physique, which, while performing and my trans and public life yet to collide, wasn't too much of an issue. Actually, part of my fear comes from losing my male physique, in the sense that it has given me access to so much over the years. It's hard to shake. Now, however, my work is exclusively cerebral, so I'm getting used to the idea of being able to transition without a drastic sense of loss. Such strange and varied inner conflicts going on: remnants of past lives and a longing for future ones vying for relevance and survival.

[gennee]

Hello Eve and welcome to Susan's. I realized that I was trans only ten years ago at age 56. There was struggl, confusion, and fear. Now I'm 66 and never been happier in my life.