Would I be a douche if I came out like this?

[AlB]

My current situation: I came out to my parents about three months ago. At that time I was only out to one friend, whom I came out to... three years ago I think, and I don't really talk to her anymore, so my parents were kinda the first I came out to. I'm out to three friends who new me as a girl, and they were all very supportive. I'm out to two friends who only know me as a guy, and I'm out to a whole bunch of LGBT people due to meetings in the group. In school I'm just a guy. I haven't told anyone (but two teachers) that I'm trans, but I'm pretty sure 2-3 of my classmates know I am. They haven't mentioned it though.

I'm not out to my extended family nor the rest of my friends, since I don't see them that often anymore (we graduated summer 2014).

I thought my parents would be supportive, but I was pretty wrong. My dad pretends like he doesn't even know, and my mom is in total denial. She doesn't believe that I'm trans, and she's convinced transition is absolutely not right for me. I hoped they could help me come out to my extended family, but I kinda realized that I'm on my own about that... Therefore I thought about writing them an e-mail, where I explained pretty much everything in every detail. But to be honest, I don't really feel like doing that anymore. I don't want my coming out to be anything huge, I just want people to call me he and my new name.
I was also thinking about sending my closest friends (we were a group of 7-8 people who did pretty much everything together), but since I don't really see them that often anymore, I don't know about that either... again, I don't want my coming out to be anything special.

And honestly, I can't really manage coming out to every single person I know in person. I just want to get it over with, even though I know that might not be the best idea.
I'm not really close to anyone in that sense that I would be able to tell them in person.

Therefore, I'm thinking about just writing a very simple Facebook post. Something like this:
"Dear all of my Facebook friends. I have something to tell you, and I don't want to hide it any longer. I'm transgender (ftm - female to male), which means that I identify as male. I've felt this way for as long as I can remember. Therefore I've changed my name to ___ (yes, I've changed it legally) and I would like you to call me that instead. I'm also a he, not a she. Please respect that. If you have any questions or comments, feel write me a message."

By coming out on Facebook, I would come out to pretty much everyone I know all at once. Except my two aunts and uncles and grandmother on my dads side of the family, and my brother. But my cousins on both sides, aunt and uncle on my mothers side, my sisters, my moms parents, my moms cousins and all of my friends and acquaintances. Old classmates, even a few old teachers. Which would make it so much easier for me.

The downside of coming out on Facebook would be not knowing who actually read the post. Which easily could make awkward situations I think...
Plus - I would really like to be able to come out to people in person, but I just can't manage doing that... And I feel like I "owe" some people to come out personally to them. I would feel kinda douchy if I came out the same way to family and close friends AND people I don't really know... :/

I don't really know what to do...

[FTMax]

Personally, I don't think it would be douche-y. In lieu of sending out individual messages and emails, I told my immediate family and very close friends in person, and then I changed my name and made my gender visible on Facebook. I didn't post anything special. I didn't want to deal with potential negative comments, and I didn't want it to be up on the internet in any way that could be linked back to me in the future. I have somewhere around 300 friends (extended family, people from college, people from work, etc. - I clean out the list regularly) that would be seeing it.

I think it really depends on your target audience and your personality. I rarely feel the need to explain my motivations or actions to people, and I'm a very private person. I don't feel obligated to explain my transition to people or educate them in any way. That's what the internet is for.

No one seemed to have any issues with my approach. I got a few messages and texts about it asking for confirmation that I was indeed transitioning, but they were all very friendly and appropriate.

[Devlyn]

If you make a private group on Facebook and add all the people you want to come out to, you'll get a running list of who viewed it.

Hugs, Devlyn

[AbeLane]

I'm actually considering doing this as well.

I'm not really close to my family, and I've already come out to the few friends who are like my family these days. I'm debating between just switching name and gender or doing a little post like you. I think both have their upsides and downsides.

With just the switch that ftmmax did, I worry that some people wouldn't understand and I would end up explaining everything to them anyways. Then again if you wanna fly under the radar (or don't care about possible confusion) then that works too.

Really you know your own facebook people better than we would and whether they would require an explanation. Or more importantly if that just how you wanna do it, what you're comfortable with and all. But really in this day and age it just makes sense to do it on social media and not have to pull everyone aside and personally tell them all. Just doing it at once, like ripping off a band-aid, seems so much easier.

But yeah...not douch-y at all. At least I hope not since I'm planning something similar.

Whatever you decide, let us know how it goes!

[charlotte15]

It's not douch-y, but there may be consequences. You must be told about them. I wish I had, because a few months ago I did almost as you plan to do.

I posted on my facebook, twitter, email, etc a message explaining that I had legally changed my name for reasons very dear to me, without giving too much detail, and that I would really appreciate if my true friends and family who care about me and my happiness would at least respect my decision and call me by my new name. That I loved them and my past, but that I hoped they could understand from now on, I was to be referred to by my new name.

It took some time for my mom, but after 6 months (including moving and refusing to give my postal address unless she agreed to use my new name) she started using my new name, keeping my previous first name as my middle name. It's something I can live with as I did just that, even if I would have preferred she call me by my first name only.

But that's not the whole story, or it would be a very happy story. Some people have insisted on calling my by my old name, even after I told them to their face and by email, and not just one time, that it made me feel extremely bad and that it was insulting and disrespectful of my choices. They kept doing it, even referring to me by this name when emailing my mom and telling her this was just a fad.

I shouldn't have read that message. It just popped to my face while trying to fix her computer to update Flash so she can keep watching video on Facebook.

I had also helped that person a few week ago, and that's how I was being repaid. I was extremely hurt. Extremely. I didn't cry but I was very close. I could have never ever though that would happen - not with anyone. Especially not with that person.

After a few days, I decided to drop that person from my network -- and I don't mean social network, but from my life. I do not want to have anything to do with a person like that. No email, no talking, no nothing. I will say hello just as I would say hello to a stranger in the street, that's as much as I can do, and that's already asking me a lot. At least the stranger isn't actively ignoring my choices or trying to convince my mom I'm some kind of crazy.

I would like to offer some hope. Many people will respect your choice, but some will not. You will have to be ready to deal with that situation. I wasn't. I wish I had.

BTW I didn't even mention gender or transgender, just a new first name that's still very boyish.