It's good to know, though also sad, that I'm not alone and that the OP and others go through these fractured thoughts on gender.
I've cross-dressed since the age of seven, which commenced a private life that ran parallel to my public and family life for decades before a cognitive convergence occurred. This intersection, a colliding of worlds, caused what a psychiatrist described as gender dysphoria (though he qualified his diagnosis with a more contemporary framing). I go through waves of wanting to transition desperately, but, as things feel hopeless and overwhelming, that drive to transition wanes. I push through the waning moments, clinging to and busying myself with the everyday tasks of daily life. But the frustration, resentment and self-loathing at not being female again eventually drives me to despair and a very dark and lonely place. On top of this, I also have doubts about how my dysphoria first appeared and whether I really do want to be female, and if I do, why? Are my doubts founded on a distrust of my own needs, in turn founded upon self censorship, delusion and the thought of suffering some kind of mental health issue, among a host of other thoughts plaguing my mind.
Part of my problem stems from the fact that I have at least two ways of cognitively modelling the world. Society is very good at normalising certain behaviours and opinions while condemning others. Society's judgements are blind, unconscious, mostly unorchestrated and reinforced by both old and an ongoing construction of traditions and institutions. I can see why and how this happens, as it represents security in the form of ready-made goals and expectations, a cultural shorthand, as in, "that's just what we do". Unfortunately, some people don't fit into this social slipstream and struggle to find relevance and acceptance.
Some people are better equipped than others to challenge societal norms, which, in the long run, is good for everyone. Others, however, are intimidated by societal norms, believing it impossible to eek out an existence within a monolithic mainstream. I don't know about anyone else here, but this is me. I spend a lot of time thinking about living as a female, being female, but can't picture how I would integrate this person into my 40-year history. My spirit soars when I research and look at other trans people who have made it, who have become the person they've always known they really are. But when I walk back out into the world -- the normalised, standardised relations incorporating friends, family and work -- my heart sinks, I self censor, put on my mask and follow the beat of the tribal drum.
