wife 180...now what.

[megan7777]

so after months/years of hints, issues, and back and fourths and failed come out attempts to her (Where I ended up being pushed back into the closet).   I was finally able to come out to my wife, and she REALLY listened (so I thought) and she said to me "I accept you and just want to spend my life with you" and I was happy, and then she asked me what I had planned, and I told her about my needs and we talked about the trigger and why now, why, I needed this, and how it had come about. I had watched a movie and started crying during it, and realized that like the character I was broken inside. Weird.. I know but it hit me like a truck.

So a week goes by and she says we need to talk, and I follow her to our den and she turns and says to me "I can't do this" and I'm dumb founded. So I ask her what is going on and called her out that she just told me that she wanted to be with me no matter what.

So she says she never looked at the links I sent her on materials, and that life will be hard on me and her, and the kids. That she has to much live left to live and doesn't want it to be harder than it already is. She then goes on to re-iterate old arguments, explaining that sex won't be possible for her, and that she has to have sex, AND I won't be attracted to her, and my parts won't work. She then goes on to talk about the many challenges that transgender couples (and their kids) have. And points out that our future plans (Travel, retirement) are all ruined because of me and she can't live with this. So I listen to her words and realize that she can't make the jump (or doesn't want to) with me. I'm humiliated, and I have no where to turn, basically its become an ultimatum. "tell me you are lying and explain why" or "you need to be happy and we should split up and if we do this your kids will have it bad, I have nothing and nowhere to go..etc..etc...". And she knows I will cow to her demands, as I love her, and I love my kids and where I'm at in my life. So....now I'm back in the closet. But I really want to wear that skirt, and I really want to wear leggings (because they really do look soft, warm and comfortable), so I'm wearing these things in secret now, I have no choice. I want to be beautiful, and be held, I want to cry more, and feel soft, I want to be spooned, and held and kissed, and I want to be the bottom, I am a bottom, quite frankly. And most importantly I just want to stop vibrating(my head feels dizzy at times, especially in department store women areas)... I feel I'm not aligned. I never have been.

Has anyone ever heard the beautiful song "Eclipse (All Yours)"?  If I could have a higher voice, this is what I would sound like and the words really speak  to how I feel inside. 100% feminine and 100% girl, and I really want to be out, and be accepted by my love. Total fail now...

From my point of view I feel she is living in fear, and for all her posing as being "open minded" and liberal, and a proponent of LGBT rights, and strong, and following the  golden rule. It really bothers me that she acts like she champions LGBT rights but her husband comes out as being in this category and she shuts him down. Now I just see a person that can't break free of peer and social norms. :|, I'm disappointed, and now when she talks to me, my answers are guarded. They have to be. It is what it has to be. Yet I dream and hope, she will realize she is being ruled by fear and life is short and will come to me and apologize and realize that happiness and transition are both possible together as a couple. I'd like to know from her that I am really her love, and best friend, and not a way to travel, or a person that pays the bills, or that means to having a home to live in when shes old with a person she can be seen in public with. I am alienated by her, I love her, she is my best friend (Though I'm angry with her inside).

anyway... I realize I need therapy and so does she, but I'm not holding my breath at this point, unless she comes to me, I will NOT come out again, or push the issue. Its just not possible to humiliate myself anymore like that.

[iKate]

Hey Megan,

First of all a big hug to you.

I am in the situation where my wife does not accept at all. She did not from day 1.

So I am basically facing an inevitable split, which I am actually getting comfortable with the idea of.

But we have a house, kids and other stuff, so we will have to figure that out.

Best of luck to you and I would say take things one day at a time and be sure to both get therapy for this because believe me the trans feelings will not go away.

[katrinaw]

Hugs Megan, that sux!
I haven't got there yet, this year and not looking forward to it.

It's so sad that when we finally pluck up courage to do, all then looks fine, then total change once the shock has set in, it probably, in hindsight, would have been better she said I need time...

This does of course leave you in kinda more awkward place, you came out; so any questions or thoughts she may have had before are fact... Dysphoria (for me anyway) comes in waves, stronger each time, I hope that as you inch forward that she becomes accepting of your GID.

xoxoxo

L Katy 

[JoanneB]

My wife is "Supportive", to a point. A point that is often a moving target. Bottom line is "Reality Sucks". This applies to both us and our spouses. For my wife, the freak out generally comes when a new reality sets in. The latest is with my breasts. (I still present male, mostly) First, the reality of HRT took some getting over. This was followed by not really wanting to spoon and hold me like she used to, now avoiding holding a boob. Then realizing just how important they are to me, how I feel about myself, and the joy of finally living in a body I can like.

THe past 5 years of been one heck of a ride for us both. Still is, though generally the intensity and frequency is way down now. That still does not change the shock, or reality, when either of us says or does something that really hits between the eyes.

My wife knew from day one, over thirty years ago, that I had gender issues. I suppressed the TS aspect down to the point of occasional crossdressing was all I needed to get by. Dropping the T-Bomb did not go well. While I hardly get the "I did not marry a woman" line, I still get "You are going leave me for some guy" line. Perhaps with that she is partially right in thinking. Hormones can/do change how you think and feel. When I experimented with transition in my early 20's, one of my "Tests" was sex and guys. Back then the fantasy was sometimes there. Reality was a far different experience. Today, I think the result will be a lot different.

Which Pain is Worse?

The question I ask myself constantly. Four years ago I knew I could stop HRT if I needed to keep us together. Today, I doubt I can and still live. Most importantly, my wife will never ask that of me. Especially today knowing the joy it gives me. Neither her nor I want to stand between the other and their happiness. I cannot ask her, nor would it be fair for me, to ask her to stay with me no matter what. The plain simple fact is I am totally changing who she sees. Something I knew a little of from just my cross-dressing days when for days afterwards she had issues because all she saw was Joanne for days afterwards. My actions have essentially kicked over the table scattering the pieces of our shared life dreams across the floor. She did not sign up for this.

So far for my wife it appears the pain of leaving is greater then those of staying. However we both know, and agreed to in the early days of our relationship, that if the other wants out, it is over. A knife edge I live on.

[Ms Grace]

...for all her posing as being "open minded" and liberal, and a proponent of LGBT rights, and strong, and following the  golden rule. It really bothers me that she acts like she champions LGBT rights but her husband comes out as being in this category and she shuts him down.

Hugs. I think a lot of people can be like this - easy to be supportive of something when it isn't touching them personally, easy for them to poor scorn on people who don't support trans people until the boot is on the other foot.

180s are not uncommon for many people we come out to - the news of our gender identity can come as a shock and they react by saying they will support you but once they get a chance to think it over and the shock wears off they maybe realise they're not as down with it as they had claimed.

Everyone has a right to change their mind. She might still come around and change her position several times while she absorbs the issues and what they mean for her. The thing is to keep her engaged in the process, if you get angry and accuse her of going back on her word or similar it might just push her further away.

And you know, people might support LGBIT but that doesn't mean they want to or have to change their sexual orientation - just as we wouldn't expect a gay person to have straight sex we shouldn't expect a straight person to go gay, if she can't imagine herself being in a relationship with a woman that might need to be explored.

[BenKenobi]

And you know, people might support LGBIT but that doesn't mean they want to or have to change their sexual orientation - just as we wouldn't expect a gay person to have straight sex we shouldn't expect a straight person to go gay, if she can't imagine herself being in a relationship with a woman that might need to be explored.

Quoting for emphasis. Even though I have some cognitive dissonance on this, even though you are still you, many people still see the sex and just go "Nope!"

I would recommend, if you really want to hold on to the relationship, at least show her that you won't be changing your mind on her, that sex is still possible, and any other misconceptions that she might have.

Bottom line, though, even though I've pretty much had this scenario (though without the kids and I'm not married), you really need to focus on what makes you happy. If you're that miserable then it'll show. Once I started becoming more of a man in appearance, my attitude changed drastically. Before, I would never take pics of myself, I'd never smile, I was just kind of a...blah, person. Now, I still have my grumpy moments but overall I could say I'm happy. I even look forward to the future.

Just...think about it. See a marriage counselor and/or gender therapist about it if you need to.

[megan7777]

iKate,

ya I feel like divorce may be the result of this. I'm trying to change myself, but I have to tell you all that since I realized this is what I am, it will NOT go away. I'm sad to tears, because its like a song I can't get out of my head. My wife had me watch this movie called wild, and what is funny is I felt EXACTLY like that character. I'm abusive to myself, I'm toxic. I tattoo myself all the time, and I used to drink till I would pass out, I had a rule of no getting sick, so I'd just pass out. it all makes more sense now.


Katrinaw,

ya this is rough, right now I'm pretending all is fine with me, wife is mostly comfortable again, she has her man back. but inside I'm all girl. I love going with my wife shopping for *her* clothes, but when I'm in the womens areas I can't help but touch clothes, stare at the staged mannicins, and feel waves of dysphoria as I see a skirt and shoes I just so want to go try on. *sigh*


JoanneB

Thanks for sharing, I want to transition, and I want to keep my marriage. I feel I really need the hormones, I need to change
and I can't and I'm stuck.  I've tried to stop going to this web site, I've tried NOT putting on skirts when she
is not home. and I can't stop.  I am growing my facial hair out, but its because I'm depressed, not because
of what my wife thinks, which is that I'm demonstrating my commitment to being male in and out.

Rock and hard place, and pushing a boulder up hill.


Ms Grace,

Thanks for the hugs, I wish my wife knew you and all the folks here quite frankly and would have these conversations. I agree she wavers but I can tell, her wavering is to see if I'm not solid. and I know that trap, so I pretend to be solid. I'm not.


Ben,

kids and a house, make this very rough. if it was no kids this would be much easier for me I think. I could say to her I have to do this and we'd do it or we wouldn't. With kids, and living near the school they go to, it all changes, and a house its even harder. I'm always been angry (or depressed) and my wife calls me "a crab" or "I'm being a crab" what bugs me is my wife thinks its othe things making me angry, mooody, my job, etc. I'm depressed, I've seen counselors in the past for depression, and doctors, and been given medications which always makes me feel weird (in a cloud), so I don't use it.

I like star wars btw .


All,

I'm sorry I spend time on her as much as I do. I do appreciate having this resource though, your thoughts have at least made me realize that I'm not nuts, others are also struggling and that my problem is as hard as I thought it was. I want to tell my wife "Hey, listen, I'm transgender, and I lie to you and go back in the closet because you tell me you can't live with it, yet I need to be what I am, and I am sorry" and then be strong enough to hear and weather her hurt, anger, fear, and doubts of me. One of my problems, and I don't know if others are like this, is that I am very empathic. I can feel emotional hurt. I can feel it so much that its almost like heat waves traveling through the air to me. So when my wife or anyone is hurting, it destroys me. I can't handle it. so I do what ever I can to make it stop.  I suppose ultimately I need to get her and I into counseling and have a therapist help us. ITs the only way forward at this point. but right now she thinks all is fine and if I even bring up therapist she will then be in panic mode again. *sigh*

[ChiGirl]

Megan, late to the party here, but I thought I'd give my 2 cents, which probably isn't worth a nickel...

The biggest concern about going back in the closet is regret and resentment.  Will you regret not transitioning or at least exploring it?  Will you resent your wife for keeping you back?  These are tough questions, but you'll need to ask yourself.  A therapist will help and definitely a marriage counselor will help you guys sort it out. 

I'm very much the same way with empathy.  I feel my wife's pain and her anger and frustration hits me hard.  So I totally understand what you mean.   

I think you need to be honest with her and yourself.  Good luck and hugs.  Remember you are not alone. 

[TheaP]

kids and a house, make this very rough. if it was no kids this would be much easier for me I think. I could say to her I have to do this and we'd do it or we wouldn't. With kids, and living near the school they go to, it all changes, and a house its even harder. I'm always been angry (or depressed) and my wife calls me "a crab" or "I'm being a crab" what bugs me is my wife thinks its othe things making me angry, mooody, my job, etc. I'm depressed, I've seen counselors in the past for depression, and doctors, and been given medications which always makes me feel weird (in a cloud), so I don't use it.

I totally with you Megan, except I have not discussed this with my wife, as she was aware of my CD before we were married, and any time she comes across any "unusual" items, I get "are you going funny again".

[treeLB]

It is not about how she feels about LGBT rights or being liberal or any of that. It is about a relationship between two people and expecting her to accept giving up her husband and being in a relationship with another woman is to much. If you need to transition you do what you need to do with the understanding of what you may loose in the process. Transition is a lot about learning to let go. 

[megan7777]

It is about a relationship between two people and expecting her to accept giving up her husband and being in a relationship with another woman is to much. If you need to transition you do what you need to do with the understanding of what you may loose in the process. Transition is a lot about learning to let go.

thats so true, my wife KNOWS I'm transgender, but she is desperately clinging to the idea that I'm not. if that makes any sense.

Occasionally she will say something like "You are a woman aren't you?" and I can't answer that honestly because I know it leads to pain and wailing, and more "I can't do this" so... I'm trying to find some path where she finds the answer that she loves me and wants to stay with me always. To share, when I originally came out to her, she said to me "I love you and I just want to spend my life with you no matter what" I need her to find that part of herself again. I know its there. I just need her to finalize it and then I can come out. When we sometimes talk I tell her she is living in fear, and every time she doesn't deny it.

So...I'm waiting...

and maybe i'm wrong, but I think she WILL approach me at some point when shes ready. The only problem, is I'm not getting any younger, and I need her to find her strength, and lose her fear sooner than later.

[treeLB]

You need to do what you feel is right for you, waiting or moving forward.

I remember my wife saying that same thing to me early on, and I could see the pain in her and I could only answer with silence.

There are some marriages, relationships that survive and thrive, but not very many.

Most marriages that do survive end up being like mine.

My wife and I are actually still married but the relationship is forever changed. We stopped being husband and wife, and we could never be wife and wife. It did not work that way. She is not a lesbian, and neither am I. Transition changed us to much and all intimacy, even being able to give each other a simple kiss or hold hands, was lost. That spark, attraction, need between us was gone. We are still married but it is for convenience. We are good friends but not lovers. Essentially we became roommates. Reality.

Years into this and she grieves the lost love she had, she grieves the loss of her husband. Each new step I took in transition was another heartache for her to take.

Transition can be a very intense experience that involves a whole lot of really big changes in your life. For those close to us it can be mind blowing really. For a lover it is almost always to much. It is one thing if you are just crossdressing once in a while but quite another thing to claim your life as a woman.

I wanted my marriage to survive and thrive much like you do, I wanted her to stay and still love me. But I wish now that I had left early, that I had set her free to restart her own life rather then to put her through so much with me.

I want my life to be as complete as it can be as a woman, in my relationships to. With her she still wants him, but I can't give him to her. I want new relationships where I am not tied to my past, but am free to be the woman I am and nothing else. It sounds cold, I know. But that is how it is for me and something to think about - how are you going to feel about your relationship down the road?

[megan7777]

- how are you going to feel about your relationship down the road?

I know right now that I want to be with her. I'm so happy when she is spooning me and holding me. I can't snuggle into her enough. I love her smell, even when she has been at work all day. I love her smile, and her hair, and her eyes. and I love her laugh, and we align on so many things, politics, religion, that most men suck <grin>, and more. so.... I want to think that if I can get her to just say "OK, I want you to be happy, lets do this" that we will always be close like that. Granted she has fears that HRT will make me switch attraction for men. I don't think so though.. I find men gross, hairy ape things. anyway. Thats really how I feel. I REALLY believe that a couples future is what ever they make of it. but my mind is radically different from my wifes. I'm definately transgender where she is not so its easy for me to say "lets do it" where as for her. Its a death of a husband, and challenges galore. :| wish it was easier.

Edit: and I realize that divorce may be in the future, at some point this all has to be on the table and faced. I just wish that we can work through it. She said she wanted to stay with me no matter what at one point. Where is that person? I need her to come back.

[warlockmaker]

Just a few comments from an older person . I have waited for my  transition for a long time. Unfortunately it cannot be the right time for all parties and one has to sacrifice. I have been giving for so  long enough and it's my turn to receive love and support. My wife and now SO has had a bumpy ride but we now accept the we are companions and bff.  She will have men in her life and needs to fulfill her needs and I need to fulfill my needs. We have reached this understanding and it's the reality of the situation .

[megan7777]

Thanks for the sharing Warlockmaker and glad your journey is at a place of understanding. My wife has touched on her need for sex with a male, and attraction concerns. And I want to be all she needs,  and I also understand she has needs and if I HRT I'll be full on female(for the most part). I get also that if we are going to survive this then there may need to be changes on both sides and to the relationship. I just want to be with her and be her center... and I want to present female and transition.

and I added to my post earlier as an edit but will say it here, I realize that divorce may be in the future, at some point this all has to be on the table and faced. I just wish that we can work through it. She said she wanted to stay with me no matter what at one point. Where is that person? I need her to come back. 

[warlockmaker]

We are closer now as true supporters and with greater love and understanding. It's me that has changed mentally on HRT, the T driven mind is so very different. I understand so much more and each day I learn more. This has bonded us in a very different way. I used to despair at not being man and wife - so to speak.  Now I understand and I hope you will find that love and companionship.

[Kova V]

I only gets harder the longer you wait. In the end it's you whom ultimately suffer the most. I tried to write this post 3 times and started it over because it turned into a huge trigger thing for me.

My only sugestion would be to think about what would happen if your wife left you in 5 years or 10 years and you knew it today. Would you still choose to not transition for her to keep your relationship for 5 or 10 more years? This isn't a question you should answer in a post - just answer to yourself. You may consider that you might not be stopping events, you may be delaying them. If you choose the path to not transition that's very respectful. It takes a special person to sacrifice themself. I almost transitioned 9ish years ago but didnt and 8 years later I came back to myself started down the path again. It's hard on your mind and soul to not be yourself.

Good luck with your path. You only live once, make sure you live for yourself too and not just for others.

[katrinaw]

Hi Megan, what Kova said is right, I know, I am in that position.

I hung on waiting for my Kids to become self sufficient, that finally occurred a few years ago, but then Grandkids were by then around, they adore me and I love them so much, I also think my female maternal instincts also are at play here too...
But I have always been the martyr, in the sense of putting everyone else before myself, especially with my family, but also work life, don't get me wrong I was also a little controlling at work too, but that never followed me home.

But (hang on I'll try and keep this as succinct as possible) I look back over all those years, mainly those last 20 years, once I understood GID was a real thing and it was me... I miss the possibility of a full life of a woman, it hurts, it hurts like hell... I still cry most nights over my need to be me!

Well I have made up my mind, I must carry through this time, I probably don't have another 20 odd years (I'd be eighty something) although I am praying I will  ... So everything starts in earnest when a new role comes in, making me financially sound... Although if it takes a little longer I will have to bite the bullet and go for broke (and probably will be)...

So my advise to anyone is, follow your dreams, be conscious of your emotions, but at the end of the day, you will transition, don't leave it till your time to enjoy your life is shortened!

Now I'm all emotional again... damn!

BTW Apr 12 was my birthday, another increment to a big number!!!!

L Katy 

[blueconstancy]

I'm poking a nose in from the SO's side of things to say there *is* hope, as it's in the early days yet and she may come around. The news itself is a shock, and there's often the sorts of anxieties that she expressed about how this will upend her/your life and cause all sorts of changes. Therapy is a good idea, and give her time to adjust to the idea (you've known about it and what you wanted for years, but she's still in the initial panic and horror phase).

The biggest study to date on trans people shows that about half of all relationships do survive transition, and my experience in nearly 6 years of working with the community to do outreach to partners is that the actual odds for couples who are still in love and still communicating may be even better. (There are relationships which break up because transition was the last straw on top of all the other problems, in other words.) Certainly it is possible to come through transition more in love and happier than ever, as that's been the case not only for me but for the majority of SOs I know through various support groups.

Good luck, and I hope she does soften her stance as she has more time to think about it.

[megan7777]

I was gonna try to stay away from the boards for a bit , I'm trying anyway but the posts here touched my heart.

Warlockmaker,

I'm glad you and your partner are in a place that is stable for you. I REALLY REALLY want to start HRT, I really believe it will remove my continual anxiety, anger, and depression. I hope I and my wife can find balance and stay together. I hope to get there some day thanks for the share.


Kova,

I can feel the clock ticking, I do want to start HRT, and laser my face and quite frankly I'm touching on full SRS an Orchiectomy I like the idea of. And I know it seems to eat at me daily I'm starting to do more hidden coping mechanisms. I do need to face my wife and stand for what I need. but I'm scared to death of doing that and she knows it. I wish she would just give me a safe place so her and I could really talk. really talk, and really get traction forward, even if its a split.

Katrina

Happy birthday to you, belated   and glad you are getting traction with your transition .

And that's a good point you made about grand kids could happen in the next 1 to 10 years I'm guessing. *sigh* who do I want to be when they arrive. I'm very scared that divorce is in my future. I didn't want that. but  I do want to transition and I get that my wife needs what she needs too.

how am I going to face everyone that I have let down, upset, and more. I don't know.

hugs for your tears and sorry for any triggers I have caused. Why is this so hard?


Blueconstancy

Thanks so much for telling me about the survival rate of relationships. I really thought it was likely more like 80% fatality to the marriage. 50/50 is a good chance, though I'm unlucky, and my wife...well she is very stubborn. She is definitely the HBIC. But on this point, she can't be ultimately. I can't allow it, even at the cost of marriage. again, I'm scared to death of standing up for myself, and saying exactly what I need. I have never been able to do that. I'm a mouse.