Feeling super dysphoric lately

[ReubenIsTheName]

Now, normally, I don't feel too dysphoric.  It's one of the reasons why I have had doubt that I'm trans*, even though I knew other transguys that weren't too dysphoric, either.  You know, the whole "if you don't want to kill yourself because of your body, you aren't trans*" that people like to spout.  However, lately, I've definitely gotten the confirmation that I am, being as dysphoric as I've been.

The funny part is, I wasn't really before I got my binder.  Now that I have my binders...I want my man boobs GONE.  I just crossed my arms the other day and was dysphoric for hours after.  Though, they do help me feel more masculine, since I'm much more flat.  My friends even tell me "You look like a dude, man!"

Another part is my voice.  I've been looking for tips of lowering it pre-T on YouTube, but I can't find a pitch to use that doesn't make me sound dumb.  Also, I get embarrassed when I speak in a deeper voice.  I have trouble getting words out because I'm ashamed, and I wind up using my normal voice, which definitely isn't helping.

Anyone have any tips as to what they do when they're feeling bad?  One thing I do is to "yell" (or at least "say") "HE!" in my mind when people misgender me.

[Dee Marshall]

I can imagine that a binder would bring dysphoria, at least until you get used to it. It brings your own attention to "them". When I get that serious dysphoria I take a step I haven't taken before. One I've been saving. I can't tell you what that would be in your case.

[ReubenIsTheName]

When I get that serious dysphoria I take a step I haven't taken before. One I've been saving. I can't tell you what that would be in your case.

That's a really good idea!  Right now, I'm pre-everything, and I won't be 18 until next month, but my mother is pretty open with letting me express myself through clothes/haircut/hair color.  She has been for years.  Even dyes my hair.  She is against my transition, however.  I wish she could see me as the son she desperately wanted when she got pregnant (another story for perhaps another thread, another time).

Anyway, I do have my fingers crossed about starting HRT over the summer, and trying to get my name legally changed before I start college in August, to prevent professors from using the wrong name.  I've got a counselor in mind, and I've talked to him already.  He's a really good one, lots of training and experience (my current counselor knows of him because of the training classes he does locally), and he calls me Toby even though he knows my birth name.

So, I'd suppose I'm about as far into my transition as I can be, at least for another month.  I can survive that long.   I've been through much worse.

[Tysilio]

So, I'd suppose I'm about as far into my transition as I can be, at least for another month.  I can survive that long.   I've been through much worse.

With that attitude, you'll do just fine, Toby!

[Skyler]

Toby, let me just say you look pretty epic in your tank top man. (Ya binders do really suck and I fell uncomfortable still just wearing one with a tank top because others can see it ) Just hang in there you're almost there and closing in on the end It's great your mother lets you express your self the way you want and feel. Prepare for an amazing journey of transformation..

Best of luck
~Skyler

[Dee Marshall]

You just told us something that gives me an idea. You could get the paperwork for your name change and fill it out, get it ready. Then when you legally can it will be all set to go.

[ReubenIsTheName]

You just told us something that gives me an idea. You could get the paperwork for your name change and fill it out, get it ready. Then when you legally can it will be all set to go.

That's a great idea!  Thank you, ma'am!

Toby, let me just say you look pretty epic in your tank top man.

Thank you so much, dude! I've switched to button up shirts, usually with a tank top underneath. They really do help mask it!

[RomeoEcho]

I don't have an answer for you unfortunately. But I wanted to throw in that you're not alone. I have similar feelings about binding and about passing/presenting in general. I feel so much more comfortable every step I make, that it actually makes me notice the rest of it more. I feel like I was more ok being really bad at being a girl than I am now being part time. But when I'm actually passing as a guy, everything feels so much better so I still think it's the right choice. I have also noticed that I much less comfortable with nudity than I was before. Locker rooms have become a big deal for me where they weren't before. I didn't like my body before, but I am much more anxious and ashamed of it now. At least you have steps you can take soon. Try to focus on that.

[ridleysw]

Oh, man.  I wish I had answers, but I can only commiserate.  This morning, I put on my binder before work and took my dog for the usual walk.  By the time we got back home, I was deep into intense dysphoria about my chest.  I am currently in between binder sizes (losing weight and body fat redistribution because of T - both great things!), and the larger one I was wearing this morning just doesn't do its job anymore.  I changed into the smaller one, but it is a bit too tight and the added constriction to my breathing just hammered the dysphoria deeper.  I ended up wearing my (pre-binder-days) industrial strength sports bra to work, and I've spent the last 9 hours fighting the dysphoria hard. 

I never liked my chest, and it's always been a pain, but now... now that I'm taking active steps and top surgery is on the horizon?  The dysphoria hits hard. 

Like a young child growing up in a dysfunctional household, it all seems normal until we learn that other children aren't dealing with the same challenges.  Then we start to dream, and those dreams make reality feel like a nightmare until we get to wake up into our newly-designed lives.

I keep repeating a mantra that Brene Brown mentions in an article... "It gets to suck right now."  The long process of transition?  This gets to suck at times.  And it will get better, as long as we keep fighting for and asking for what we need.  But in the meantime?  It really does suck sometimes.

[ScottyMac]

I seem to be getting away with my voice pretty well pre-T. I have used it over the phone, in person, on Xbox live for long conversations without being questioned. However I am 16 and sound like a 16 year old guy, so if I was older it mightn't work out so well.
What has worked for me is
-Speak in monotone. It is hard to get the hang of at first, as it feels you are speaking all depressed and bored, but once you get used to it you learn how to keep the monotone but still sound happy/normal.

-Speak from your lower stomach. Try and imagine you're pulling your voice from there, its travelling up to your mouth. This gives your voice that deep/rumbling effect most guys seem to have.

- Speak a lot slower. Guys tend to use less words, and say it a lot slower. This can vary with different accents, but it tends to be this way. Again it might feel weird, but you quickly learn a normal place.

- Try and speak louder, not shouting, but from your chest
Also try too mumble less.

It's sound a lot and difficult, but it has worked for me and I am very used to it, it would actually take effort now for me to sound female.