Letting out sadness

[CursedFireDean]

Hey, for guys who are either on T, or are Pre-T and don't really cry at all, how do you get out your sadness? I started to cry all the time while I was on birth control pills but now, being 7 months on T, I can hardly ever seem to cry. I've been going through a lot of crap with my friends and I'm constantly on edge, frustrated, upset, anxious, etc about it and I really just want to cry it out but I can't. What are some things you guys do?

*note, I am starting to see someone at student counseling about all the anxiety, my first official meeting is in about 12 hours, and hopefully it will be very helpful. They've also got a support group about interpersonal relationships that they have recommended I go to.

[Skyler]

I really do feel you...since starting Testosterone there is no possible way for be to cry and believe me I've tried. This leaves me with a lot of pent up emotions that I've had to expression verbally to close friends. It's the only way for me to "decompress" now. I'm not sure if this will all balance out in the end. Seeing a counselor as you said is always a good idea and its a non judgmental environment. I might look into using my college health services to benefit me as well.

[FindingJames]

Okay so I'm still pre-T, but I thought I'd weigh in.
These aren't really overnight fixes and they take a while, but in the long run they've really helped me a lot. They're also pretty cliché, but I'll share them anyway.
1. I got a "best friend." Now I know you can't actively go searching for a best friend, but once you do find one (if you haven't already) it really helps. My best friend has helped me because he's been super supportive of my transition, is probably the person who has come closest to seeing me how I see me, and he just makes me laugh. When we hang out and stuff I tend to forget about all the stuff that is upsetting me, and I just laugh. All those things make me happier and more optimistic about my future, thus reducing the urge to cry. I know you said you've had some trouble with friends recently, but if you get really close with just one person it should help (or at least it did in my case).

2. I got a hobby. I was never really a hobby-type person because the way I saw it was me playing a sport or drawing or whatever it may be would not make me happier; doing the same thing over and over again by yourself is pretty depressing. But then I actually found something that I liked (video games) and it really did help me. It gave me a way to focus on something other than my problems, it makes me feel content/happy, and killing things or even just smashing blocks in a game helps me to release some frustration. It may take a while, but it could help if you find a hobby too.

3. I talked it out (and still do so). I didn't go see a therapist because I was underage and I can't bring myself or pay for it myself, but I found a person who I felt comfortable talking with. I haven't talked about it to my friends in real life because I don't want to make things awkward, but I became friends with somebody online who's in a similar situation to my own and we kind of just started talking about stuff. It's helped me vent those things that are making me sad or angry instead of thinking about them over and over again and replaying the events in my head. It also provided me with somebody who periodically reassures me that I'm doing good and compliments me on things to try to keep me happy. So yeah, whether you talk to your therapist about the stuff going on or you just find a trustworthy person to confide in, it really helps.

[CursedFireDean]

Thanks guys!

I suppose part of the problem, and part of the reason I'm seeing a therapist, is that the person I used to talk to who was my best friend, she's the one I'm having issues with. I've had lots of issues with emotional abuse in the past and she was one of the few people I trusted, but then she betrayed that. I'm unfortunately not in a good place right now to be able to open up again like that to a friend. I don't have anyone close to that I can talk to except my roommate, but she's always with her boyfriend and he doesn't like to leave, so I never get time just me and her. I'm slowly getting closer to new and better friends but it's going to be a while before im comfortable enough with any of them to talk super seriously.

[ridleysw]

Writing.  I am just about to reach my 6-months-on-T anniversary, and I've definitely experienced an inability to cry (and it was always something that came fairly easy for me pre-T).  I have also been struggling for the words when trying to talk to my therapist.  I go into the session with plans about what I want to talk about, and then like a deer in the headlights, I freeze, at a loss for the words I know are inside.  But when I write (long hand or typing) things out, I have an easier time.  I'm planning to write out an outline for my next appointment, because I'm hoping the words on the paper will help me vocalize what I want to talk about in my session.

[Tossu-sama]

I didn't cry a lot pre-T, I just bottled up bad things until I just kinda broke down. On T, I just kinda lost the ability to cry even after having bottled up bad things worth a twelve-pack. It takes a lot to make me cry or then I just tear up over the weirdest things. Cosmos: Spacetime Odyssey, seriously???

I know the feeling of being so anxious that the only way to make it better is to cry. I had a moment like that when our late cat got sick and I was just so damn worried that I knew I needed to cry to make myself feel even a bit better but I couldn't. It was terrible, it felt I was in actual physical pain. At that time, I couldn't really figure out an alternative way to deal with it for obvious reasons but on another occassion when I had this huge burst of stress that I couldn't even sit still I went out for a two-hour walk to sort my thoughts out. It actually helped me, even if only made it easier to fall asleep that night (stressful thoughts tend to keep me awake).

So for me physical exercise seems to be somewhat working method. I get the ants in the pants feeling when my stress level or anxiety spikes so I gotta get up and do something.

[HeyTrace19]

Go watch the movie 'Brian's Song'...It will give you a good cry.  Really, try it!

[Contravene]

I'm curious, why does T make it difficult to cry?

I'm not on T but I've never been one to show an extreme of any emotion which is probably just a psychological thing for me. I only seem to cry when my depression hits. Sometimes I want to cry but I can't, it can be really frustrating. I'm the brooding type which isn't really healthy so instead of allowing myself to brood over things constantly I give myself time to experience the sadness then move on.

What I've learned to do is kind of give the sadness its moment. I'll just sit or lie down and let the emotion take over, think about why I'm sad and actually dwell on it for as long as I need to. At first it might seem counter productive but I find that by giving myself time to think about things and process my emotions it prevents me from holding things in and having them come back up to hurt me later. It also helps get rid of my frustration about not being able to cry because it lets me experience the sadness in a different way. Eventually the sadness will lessen and pass so then I move on from it.

[Dex]

I used to cry at any strong emotion. I hated it but it was outside of my control. I'd get tears if I were really sad, really happy, embarrassed, frustrated, etc. It didn't take long after starting T that that ability to cry dried up. I do still sometimes get maybe one tear if I am really really really upset about something but it really takes a lot. Initially (even though I didn't want to cry over everything) I had a little bit of trouble navigating that pressure and build up that I no longer had a way to release. As mentioned above, physical exertion is what really worked for me. I found that sprinting, lifting, etc really helped when I would feel overwhelmed emotionally. That's not always convenient depending on the situation, but it does give me that release that crying used to.

[Garry]

Not the case for everyone, I certainly still can when I dont want to. I can say its less than it was though. Pre-T it could be bad, go on for hours even to the point it gave me a bad headache. Now it doesnt last as long but its still the same kind of intensity as it was pre. Is it slightly harder to than before? I have no idea without any way of being able to compare them side by side. I havent noticed a huge if any difference as its situational. I have bad depression and all the thoughts that accompany that can result in it, same now nearly a year on T as before. Why it affects some people to the extent of not being able to at all while others have no change I dont know. Could be psychological and situational factors at play as well as T itself

[Adam (birkin)]

Hmm. Crying was near impossible for a while, it's easier now when I need to do it but yeah it sucks how it's so held back when you need.

I just make space to cry now if that makes sense. For example someone I knew was in the hospital and either me or a friend had to visit her. My friend couldn't keep it together so I said I would go even though I was quite upset because I knew it would take more for me to visibly break down. So I did and I did not cry. But afterwards I really needed it so I was in my car and I listened to a sad song until I cried. I don't tend to cry as long or as hard still so it was like 2 minutes but eh.

[Maleth]

I second with what FindingJames said about getting a hobby. If you want to release emotions, you could definitely get a hobby. Not sure if you are an athletic type but going to the gym or doing physical activity can help to get that emotion off your chest.

[The_Gentleboy]

I actually had to be taught how to cry. Normally i'd just lock it up and swallow the pain but thats what makes you ill and thats not good. I do know though that if you're angry say "bubbles" in an angry voice and your anger usually dissipates into laughter and sometimes tears can fall due to the emotional release.

Gentleboy

[Julia-Madrid]

Hi all of ya!

This is a really interesting thread, and I am intrigued at how you guys are finding dealing with emotions in general, including crying.   Contravene's question is really rather relevant:  what is T doing so that emotions are now more distant, less accessible?  It's not like you're being socialised to suppress feelings, since most of you are probably bringing with you the emotional legacy of your pre-T days.

Speaking from the other side of the fence, it's been a rather welcome breath of fresh air to have my emotions so much closer since starting E.  It's not been a profound change, but it's like having removed a layer of insulation that was muffling everything, dulling the effect.  Empathy, particularly, is something that I now feel very much more strongly.  And yet, pre-E, I was never scared of exposing and accessing my emotions, but now they're just so much more immediate.

Returning to CursedFireDean's original question, from my previous life, when crying does not come, the release of sadness and frustration is much slower.  To some extend I'd say that it even requires some external enablers to help the emotions dissipate - like a walk in the park or some other serene place, or, as suggested by another friend here, hard exercise as a way of transmuting sadness into frustration or aggression which can be burned off with exercise.

I don't know... quite apart from crying, what's been the experience for you guys on T of the evolution of your emotions?

Hugs
Julia