Stealth & burning the past... start a brand new LIFE

[2cherry]

Hi everyone,

Well, I moved town. I went some place where no-one knows my history. This seems the ultimate stealth, or passing test. I introduced myself to my neighbors already. I sent them cards with my name on it. So now they know my name... I did this to prevent any gossip. All seems good, so far. Well, I manage to pass quite good by now. Not even men notice anything, even intimacy works well. So a good chance that no one will find out. And I like it that way. I want to burn the past, and everything related to it. I have no contact with anyone anymore. About 90% of people in my life left after coming out. The other 10% left in due time. It is very difficult, but I have to. I have to create myself, solidify my identity, surround myself with new people and start a brand new life.

And yet, and yet... and yet... this dysphoria is some nasty stuff to deal with. I still have some. It bothers me, because no one else is bothered by me. To this day I still do not have enough self-confidence. The dysphoria is still present, a little voice that sometimes says: "Do they know?", do they think this or that?" We are very self-conscious people, it comes with the dysphoria. But damn... it is so hard to deal with the memories. I just want to forget and start all over...

Sometimes I really think I should let myself be hypnotized, to erase all the past memories...

Does anyone have some tips about dealing with post-op / stealth dysphoria? do you still have that little voice inside your head? and what did you do to change it?

Sorry for any typo's I am on a very small laptop...

Hugs.

[lovelessheart]

First off... I completely understand where you are coming from.

My question to you would be, how long have you been living as your truth? This has factors to play in it.

Now for my advise...you will never be able to erase the past. Dont focus on the past as the present and future is what matters now. Overtime your past will seem like a distant memory. Accept that it is your past so you can move on to your preaent and future. Stop living in the past. Create new memories!! Go on dates.. go to the park in a beautiful sundress... go play in the rin and let your hair get wet! Create beautiful memorisa that will overshadow the dark ones. That way, one day you will be able to say, wow did I really go.Through all of that ? Wow.

[Nicole]

When I came out I was still in my teens, we were living in Hobart for mums work, however all our family was back in Melbourne and she was looking at getting back.
I came out and within a few months we had moved, to which I went full time pretty much the second I got off the plane.
The first few months were very boring and a little scary, but I started tafe not long after to finish high school, started to make friends and went to uni.
Those who know only know because they're family or I wanted them to know.

[nicolegn7]

I'm having the same issue/phase as you.

I'm 24 and transitioned very young. This was right before social media started to get popular so thankfully I have no pictures/profile of myself dressed as a male floating around the internet. Although, if my name is searched carefully you can find out I'm trans due to me outing myself when dating before. Now, I have to change my name again, which I don't mind.

Tips:
1). Cut off everyone. I mean everyone! Except your very close family. Girlfriends (especially other trans) are so catty. They will be quick to say backhanded things to your future spouse like "I'm so happy you accept her for being her" and out you. They might out you by accident or just plain association as well. It sucks but it's worth it. It's hard because making new friends and a new "past" is hard, lonely and takes times but worth it.

*** ONE BIG THING*** I stress this to everyone. Now days, it is not possible to be 100% stealth. (Unless you move to the Amazon jungle) I don't care how pretty a girl is there is always something that can give us away when closely examined and looked it. Now you can play stealth in public but when you start spending alot of time with people, it gives them more of a chance to notice these little things. Especially if you are to marry a man, he will find out eventually. You are eating,breathing and sleeping with this person. He will see everything. But in the beggining of the relationship he probably wont know but you will have to break the news to him some day (usually months in, 6 months?. I say when you both truly love eachother) by this time if he truly loves you he will most likely stay. But again there is no way to be 100% stealth. Social media, the increasing transgender awareness on TV, Social Media and Trans Education now have everyone knowing about us and our procedures.

In a way this transgender attention/awarness is bad for the girls who want to be stealth. Guys know that adams apples can be shaved, vaginas can be made even nicer than a females and lots of them have been in contact with trans and know that they can legally change their name and gender marker. Back in the 70's and 80's it was unthinkable for trans to have a vagina, unless it was a butchered mess (in a males mind). Now days they seen porn or pictures and see that surgeries can completely feminize someone. Heck, guys even spook cisgender girls that are "too pretty" have "too much surgery" or are tall and say their "->-bleeped-<-s" when shes actually not!

This is the new "stealth". I'd say you can be 90% stealth as long as you have
1.a good back story. I changed the high school I went to. I say I was born in another town. You can run into someone (happened to me in college) who went to same high school. He told me he didn't remember me in school but in my head I was like "yup you do, I was the feminine boy that hanged out with your girlfriend at the time". Ever since then I changed my whole back story. Diff town, school, etc.

2.passable (not saying pretty. Passable is both pretty and ugly. Sometimes being over-surged is what spooks people. Sometimes looking like a 4 out of 10 is more passable. My friend isn't that pretty and she says it herself but theres one thing she is and thats super passable. She says "Im passable. I just look like an ugly girl" haha. its true I give it to her).

3. nothing lingering in the past. No pictures, yearbooks, online profiles photos etc. Everyone googles people now.


4. distancing yourself from people who know your past. You cant trust anyone but yourself. its the truth. Friends fight all the time. Do you want to risk a friend spilling your tea when she gets mad? Even if she hasnt yet you never know. Plus lots of times they spill it with no malice. For example. my cousin all the times shows pictures of me to guys saying "she is so pretty. she a ->-bleeped-<- but she gorgeous right?" The other day she showed a guy a picture I sent her of my vagina (the results) and she called me and he said "yooo I can't beleive it, it looks like a pussy ur doctor did a good job". Now by now I stop correcting her cause she always did this and I know it's not done with malicious intent but still.

5. **Controversial** what I am about to say but whatever. I pretend to have this stance where I don't believe in homosexuality, transgender etc. I say it's immoral and not God's plan. I act like I don't accept them but I always say "I don't hate them I just dont agree with their lifestyle. Im a catholic girl" I don't trash talk or anything but I always let it be known that I'm against that lifestyle. But im not out there with picket signs and constantly talking about it cause then it just makes you more suspicious.

6. Stop the translingo (big problem for me) words such as "werk" "spill tea" etc will "spook" you.

7. Don't overshare and keep as many things you can private but not in a wierd way that will draw more attention but more in a way a professional at work would.

[suzifrommd]

5. **Controversial** what I am about to say but whatever. I pretend to have this stance where I don't believe in homosexuality, transgender etc. I say it's immoral and not God's plan. I act like I don't accept them but I always say "I don't hate them I just dont agree with their lifestyle. Im a catholic girl" I don't trash talk or anything but I always let it be known that I'm against that lifestyle. But im not out there with picket signs and constantly talking about it cause then it just makes you more suspicious.

At some point though, you gotta wonder how much damage to your soul is worth it to be stealth.

[nicolegn7]

I don't see it as damaging at all. I am not hurting no one. I am looking out for myself. The truth is that 98% of the time, if you can live a stealth life you will have way more opportunities. Yea it sucks that society doesn't accept trans but sometimes you have to make the best out of a situation. I am looking out for my best interest. Yea, it can sound a bit selfish but hey it's my life. I did not get this far in my transition to miss a chance at a better life in order to educate ignorant people. I rather be hurt by the truth than comforted by a lie.

[nicolegn7]

I'm so for the girls who want to have their voice heard but that's just not me. Personally, I think half the time people discriminate against trans or gays is because of how OUT & PROUD they are. Again before people start attacking me, I am not saying its wrong and that its shameful but throwing it in other peoples faces and constantly feeling the need to tell someone your trans and push your views on them is wrong. When cisgender heterosexual couples kiss on the street or make it a point to make it known they are a couple, I find it annoying, uncomfortable and if its extreme PDA disrespectful.

Ok, I'm ranting here, But all I have to say is just lke the girls who want us to respect their belief of not being stealth, they should see it in our point of view as well.

[suzifrommd]

Ok, I'm ranting here, But all I have to say is just lke the girls who want us to respect their belief of not being stealth, they should see it in our point of view as well.

I definitely respect the choice to go stealth. And if you (or any other stealth women) see no problem with spreading disapproval of our "lifestyle", it's a free country.

But I think it is damaging to disparage the trans community, whether you're stealth or out. People who respect you will see it as respectable. Transphobia will be the rule until it is no longer seen as socially acceptable.

[kelly_aus]

I'm so for the girls who want to have their voice heard but that's just not me. Personally, I think half the time people discriminate against trans or gays is because of how OUT & PROUD they are. Again before people start attacking me, I am not saying its wrong and that its shameful but throwing it in other peoples faces and constantly feeling the need to tell someone your trans and push your views on them is wrong. When cisgender heterosexual couples kiss on the street or make it a point to make it known they are a couple, I find it annoying, uncomfortable and if its extreme PDA disrespectful.

Ok, I'm ranting here, But all I have to say is just lke the girls who want us to respect their belief of not being stealth, they should see it in our point of view as well.

I'm more than happy for girls and guys to be stealth.. But don't assume that because I choose not to be that I'm forever jamming it down peoples throats. For me, not being stealth means I'm simply honest and up front about if asked. It means I will tell prospective partners right from the start. It means I have friends (and family) from before transition that remain part of my life. It means I don't rewrite my history. I don't walk around with "I'm trans!" written across my forehead, nor do I shout it in the streets. I just live my life with the truth available to anyone that asks nicely.

I would also point out that it's those that have been out and proud in the past that make the treatments we all need possible.

In a way this transgender attention/awarness is bad for the girls who want to be stealth. Guys know that adams apples can be shaved, vaginas can be made even nicer than a females and lots of them have been in contact with trans and know that they can legally change their name and gender marker. Back in the 70's and 80's it was unthinkable for trans to have a vagina, unless it was a butchered mess (in a males mind). Now days they seen porn or pictures and see that surgeries can completely feminize someone. Heck, guys even spook cisgender girls that are "too pretty" have "too much surgery" or are tall and say their "->-bleeped-<-s" when shes actually not!

Well, a name change has always been possible.. And I think some of the women around here who did have surgery back in the 70's and 80's would argue against their vagina's looking like a butchered mess - even to a male. The procedures used today are not all that different to what was done back then.

[stephaniec]

To stealth or not to stealth that is the question. The energizer bunny and this question have a lot in common.

[Rachel]

5. **Controversial** what I am about to say but whatever. I pretend to have this stance where I don't believe in homosexuality, transgender etc. I say it's immoral and not God's plan. I act like I don't accept them but I always say "I don't hate them I just dont agree with their lifestyle. Im a catholic girl" I don't trash talk or anything but I always let it be known that I'm against that lifestyle. But im not out there with picket signs and constantly talking about it cause then it just makes you more suspicious.

I am offended by this paragraph.

[Zumbagirl]

Does anyone have some tips about dealing with post-op / stealth dysphoria? do you still have that little voice inside your head? and what did you do to change it?

Sorry for any typo's I am on a very small laptop...

Hugs.

I was like you in that nearly everyone walked away from me and I faced the reality of having to start a new life over again. I can honestly say that I focused my attention post-transition on my career to at least get back on par with where I was before. I also started to enjoy things for the first things, both new and old. That's where hobbies can be great. Find something you like do to and do it, with passion. Now I have a great work-life balance and a great free-time/hobbies/doing new things/ exploring/staying fit/ balance as well. I stopped being afraid of meeting new people and purposefully put myself out there to meet new people. I find my life quite refreshing, but at the same time it's quiet and uneventful. For me, it's a perfect balance.

[Adam (birkin)]

I think nicolegn7's post is on the ball here.

I don't know how to explain how stealth I am at this point. It kind of happened in a weird way and it's not 100%.

- For a long time I didn't pass so everyone in my life knew.
- But then I got really depressed and didn't really leave the house ever so those people dropped out of my life and never saw me as I started to really change a lot. So some of them might not recognize me and I might not recognize them in passing either. In theory though, if someone from my past ever showed up at my job or whatever then who knows what would happen.
-  When I re-entered the world I met a ton of new people and didn't tell anyone except my boss who was doing a background check.
- Then I liked a girl and I told her because...well she was going to find out if it ever became serious. I kind of regret that tbh because it didn't work out and she isn't someone I like that much (romantically) anymore, so. She accidentally let it slip to a few others so stealth kind of died there.

As for other stuff I just don't have online profiles under my old or new names.

Honestly, if it wasn't for girls and needing to tell them to be in a relationship with them, I'd be stealth and never tell anyone. The only people who I have from the past are one friend who stuck by me thick and thin, my ex that I talk to now and again, my doctors and the psych I see. And family. Even with the psych , if I didn't like her as much as I did, if she wasn't such a good match for me, I'd have ditched her and found a psych and been stealth to the psych because I don't like talking about my transition even in the confines of therapy.

As for the little nagging voice...I overcame it by recognizing that people could, potentially, make assumptions about me and my history. I accept that there may be people out there who will go "ah, that guy looks a little different, wonder if he's FTM" or whatever. But they could make that assumption about a cisgender man too. Or a cisgender woman. I'm secure in myself enough at this point that other people's assumptions don't have to affect how I feel about myself. I am a man. I look like a man. If someone wants to make an assumption about me with limited information, so be it. I don't owe them an explanation, I don't owe them the "truth", I would just laugh it off honestly or call them out on their rudeness depending how they went about it.

[Jayne]

@nicolegn7

I support anyone who wants to go stealth but for many it's just not a reality, the whole world knows i'm trans because I don't "pass", i'm not in your face about who & what I am but people are frequently in my face for no justifiable reason.

I find the thought of someone who manages to attain stealth status taking an anti trans stance to be highly disagreeable, every time someone uses the "it's not gods plan it's immoral" line they are throwing fuel on the fire of hatred, should your stealth fail you one day then that very hatred you've fuelled could very easily turn around and bite you.
I'd also like to state that this is not a "lifestyle choice" for me, it's closer to being a choice to live rather than a choice to swallow every pill at my disposal, with my stock of sleeping tablets, anti depressants & other prescription medication it wouldn't be a cry for help because should I be found the unlucky person to find me wouldn't even have time to phone for a ambulance before my heart had stopped beating

[Northern Jane]

.... it's just not a reality....

There is great truth in those words!

I transitioned in 1974. I was disowned by family and started life over in a different city. Except for my doctor, I was deep stealth and it was great but stealth is a VERY fragile thing. My stealth was compromised 3 different times over the next 10 years totally by coincidence - once by a travelling salesman I encountered in the office who used to call on my pre-transition employer and thought I was a sister to 'my former self', the second time by a reporter after I married, and the third time by a big-mouthed clinic worker who found it in my medical records. Other times when I had to divulge my past were for a security clearance and to get my aviation medical.

When you live stealth, you are always paranoid about people finding out and you  have to deal with the fallout when it happens so the last time my stealth was compromised I took a completely different approach - to neither confirm nor deny my past to people who are not intimate friends. After all, my medical history is really nobody's business. My closest friends know but they all know me well enough that they can't comprehend me as anyone/anything other than the woman they know.

Living without secrets is so much easier and more enjoyable than trying to hide things (but that doesn't mean you have to tell every Tom, Dick & Harry the details of your medical history!)

[Jayne]

Please don't get me wrong on what i'm about to say but I recoil at the thought of going stealth. One of the main factors in me coming out was that I was tired of the constant worry of being outed by my mannerisms, walk etc..
In every job i've ever had i've gone through a phase of having to deny being gay, the older I got the harder I worked at being as masculine as possible, this led me down a rough & dark path. By the end of each day i'd feel drained by the amount of thought i'd put into every word & gesture, if I attained stealth status i'd just feel like i'd replaced one constant outing worry with another.

Now for the flip side of the coin, if someone wants to go stealth i'll defend their right to do so, every one of us must choose our own path from the options available to us & be free to walk that path freely.
If someone came to my LGBT group & said they wanted to go stealth i'd help them, several people over the last few years have made my jaw hit the floor when they've pulled me into a corner to confide that they are trans & stealth, I have always & will always keep their secret safe.

[FrostPixie]

I opt for the middle of the road approach. Not out and loud, but not hiding anything either. Its just that everyone new i encounter and hang out with thinks i'm just a wierd geeky gal

If a question were to arise, i would just tell them. I'm not overly concerned what many others think but for a few. So they can try to claw and chip away at me, but i'll just be sitting there chuckling about it all. Probably i have this view because of how i was raised to always be a leader and never be ashamed of who i am, or in this case, was. It just took me a bit to embrace those lessons

[chinee]

I'm so for the girls who want to have their voice heard but that's just not me. Personally, I think half the time people discriminate against trans or gays is because of how OUT & PROUD they are. Again before people start attacking me, I am not saying its wrong and that its shameful but throwing it in other peoples faces and constantly feeling the need to tell someone your trans and push your views on them is wrong. When cisgender heterosexual couples kiss on the street or make it a point to make it known they are a couple, I find it annoying, uncomfortable and if its extreme PDA disrespectful.

Ok, I'm ranting here, But all I have to say is just lke the girls who want us to respect their belief of not being stealth, they should see it in our point of view as well.

I agree with you. Based on my experience, being stealth always gets more opportunity / fair treatment in any ways than being out and proud. Not everyone in the world has the capacity of understanding how things are for a transgender person. So being stealth is the key I think that would not let other people to bother thinking about how they will interpret you. To be honest, it is really hard to be stealth. I always have to make sure that I walk like a woman, posture as a woman, talk like a woman, think like a woman, laugh like a woman, have a personality like a woman. I grew up with gay guys in highschool being around them and you know how flamboyant they can be. I sometimes crossover to the side of how they talk and how they act whenever I am around them but those actions are not anymore suitable or doesnt look good to the way I look now. So I have to limit myself from acting like them and that is no fun but I have to if I want to be passable in public. I live in the country of where people are very good in clocking a trans because my country is one of the asian countries that was known for transgenders and drag queens. So imagine how hard is my everyday looks like. I also agree that being passable and being not so good looking is better than being passable and very good looking. I am not lifting my own chair but I was born with a pretty face, good skin and good shape. I am not part of the average appearance of the people in my country. Having said that, that most of the time makes people specially guys to check me out in the public. It supposed to be a good thing but being a trans and living in stealth, it makes it more difficult because people tend to monitor how you act and how you move most of the time (in short youre always prone for body checking). Because of this I can only go to limited places like those places where people can see people like me to blend in LOL (but thats true).

[mmmmm]

You can be stealth and be open gay and trans ally




Edited For Language

[Jayne]

I know that the subject of stealth can sometimes get heated, I understand that some things have been said that many find disagreeable but can we try to stay civil with responses please?