Hey everyone, I am Ana; I'm 31 and in the very early stages of MtF transition! I have been lurking on this website for a very long time, and after reading a ton of articles and forum posts as a guest, I decided to take the plunge and join.
So introductions are always a little bit awkward, but here is my story: I have had the inkling that I was different my whole life. In fact, one of my first memories involves me at a very young age wearing my mothers blue ball gown and just admiring myself in the mirror for a long time. So long, in fact, that my mother had to actually tell me to take her dress off and I remember being very upset about that. Anyway, I have always felt so much more connected to women than men on a fundamental level and that made growing up kind of difficult. Being a "girly boy" in school was sure-fire way to get made fun of and made fun of I was. Typical 'boy' interests like sports and hunting have never appealed to me; I generally preferred to socialize, play dress-up, and engage in make-believe games like tea party and house with my sisters. My father is a typical male of the 1970's era so his interests include racing, drinking, smoking, and sports; I never really connected with him because our spheres of influence just did not cross over that much. We did manage to find common ground with our mutual love of Formula-1 racing and our deep appreciation of the James Bond films. I know, I know, Bond is a misogynist who routinely violates the second formulation of Kant's categorical imperative, but Sean Connery looked sooooo good in his early years.... I also really thought Q and his neat gadgets were just so cool. Anyway, beyond those two things, dad and I did not talk a whole lot. It's just as well; he lost his family to alcoholism and suicide early on in his life so he has plenty of his own demons to tackle. That really isn't an excuse for being a distant parent, but forgiveness is divine and I have made that principle a cornerstone of my life. It is just so much easier to forgive and put love out into the world than it is to hold on to hate. Namaste.
Puberty was a very confusing time and it was when I put serious work into developing my "beard." I don't know if many other transgender individuals experienced severe locker room anxiety, but I sure did. I hated changing in front of the boys because puberty hit me in a curious fashion; I got chest hair (which for some reason I was EXTREMELY ashamed of) and then I started growing boobs. Yes, boobs. It was a strange development that I really didn't understand at the time, but the boys sure liked to, well, touch and hit them. It felt like harassment, so I adopted the strategy of dawdling in the hallway before gym and arriving late every day purposefully so I could change in an empty locker room. To this day, I will not undress in the locker room at the gym unless it is completely empty or one of the bathroom stalls are open. I usually just go dressed in my workout gear and then leave after so I dont even have to deal with the stress. Changing into my swimsuit with boys? Fuhgeddaboutit. Not happening. I was so thankful when highschool came because we finally got to start taking extracurriculars and some of those got you out of gym for the whole year; I did not take gym one time in my four years of high school because I used marching band in the fall semseter, show choir and track in the spring to opt out of gym. Track and Field was my one exception to the no-sports rule because I knew the coaches were lazy and didn't really care if you came to practice every day. That, and I was one of the very few students who was willing to throw shot and disc exclusively because I hated distance running. How did I avoid the uber-macho male track locker room? Changing into my warmups in the hidden bathroom on the second floor during student egress. That didn't work every day so some days required me to employ my 'wait-it-out' strategy when changing, which usually resulted in me being late on the field and having to run laps. Ah, highschool.
My mother had an extremely rare asbestos-induced cancer when I was young and she succumbed to the disease when I was 9, so I had a stepmother in highschool. Kids, don't play around with asbestos, it is truly nasty stuff and it will ruin your life. At the time, her initial diagnosis was small-cell carcinoma (SCMC), which is a disease that typically affects lifelong smokers in later life and is practically unheard of in people under the age of 60. Mom was 35. The speed of the progression was highly suspect, so I decided to go digging around in her past once I was all grown up. Turns out, my mother worked in a water heater manufacturing facilty in the 1970's and during that time, water heaters were still being insulated with asbestos. She was exposed to airborne asbestos particles daily for about seven years. Current medical research has discovered a rare form of mesothelioma that mimics SCMC in every aspect aside from the age range of people it affects and its responsiveness to treatment; in a nutshell, the only viable treatment is total replacement of the affected organ. Other therapies like chemo and radiation actually worsen the condition because the cellular mutations are being caused by an invasive foreign body rather than by biological factors. I used to blame the doctors for killing my mother but my research has led me to the conclusion that there was simply no way these doctors could have known what they were dealing with in 1993. Again, forgiveness- it just works for us all. Sure, I miss my mom, who wouldn't? Please don't apologize for my loss: A. it was two decades ago and I have made my peace with it and B. mom is with me in spirit every day. I see constant reminders of her and it fills me with joy because, well, I just don't feel like she is really gone. Just gone from my sight is all. The memory of her is what has inspired me to achieve so much success in my life; the simple core lesson that can be learned from an unexpected death is that life is precious and we owe it to ourselves to live every minute to the fullest. Carpe Diem.
So I had a stepmom in highschool and she wasn't super nice. But she had very nice clothing, and one day I was inspired to take advantage of that. I had come home from school early that day with a fever and I napped; I woke up something just took me over and told me to go dress in her lingere. It was like I was watching someone else carry my body along, but I didn't resist because it felt right. Correct. I admired myself in the mirror. There was certainly a sexual aspect to it early on, but that faded over time rather quickly. The experience was so enjoyable that I began repeating it on a regular basis, but I started taking more and more risks and was almost caught by my step brother one time. That would have been tough to explain why I was in a stockings and a corset at that age. I doubt that conversation would have ended well. I held that bathroom door shut as though my life depended on it; in fact, I think that was the start of my first years-long break from dressing. The sheer terror I felt at having my secret nearly found out was enough to scare me right back into the closet. I graduated highschool in 2002 and that was right around the time the internet was really starting to take shape.
I discovered what transgender meant and what being transsexual was intially through pornography, and then through forum discussions and livejournals. I remember seeing transwomen for the first time and thinking they were so beautiful and admiring their courage for being who they really were. Then that thought came; I wish I could do that. What a shocking thing to have pop into your head; that was a thought that I was just not prepared to handle at the time so back into the closet I went. The good part about that episode was that it helped me to come to terms with my bisexuality. This transition for me has been a series of small steps that have picked up dramatically in intensity over the last year. These feminine thoughts are no longer something that just hang around in the back of my mind; the male thoughts now feel alien to me, like they really should never have even been there.
After a series of bad relationships and confusing time during my 20's, I met the female love of my life. We are adventurous and I had confessed some things about my dressing to her early on in our relationship. I painted it in the light of a sexual kink, even though I knew it was so much more than that. Fast forward a few years to one special night in December. We had a few drinks that night and were getting a little frisky and she has the idea to dress me up in her lingere, which I readily agreed to. Once that was done, she decided to take it a step further and start putting me in outfits; this was the moment that Pandora's box was opened because that feeling took over again and I just could not stop picking out things to wear. She told me that she had never seen me happier and more vibrant. She said that she almost did not recognize me!! That was the night that started us down the road that has led me here; after that night, I stopped wearing male undergarments almost immediately and switched over to female stuff, which I had been longing to do for years. Boxer shorts now repulse me and when I am forced to wear them, I just do not feel like myself. I have also completely stopped using male body care products; my body wash, shampoo & conditioner (Nexxus baby), razors, and shave gel are all now girl stuff. And I couldn't be happier. A big step was discontinuing the use of male cologne and body spray; Axe for her has a very nice scent and it is my current favorite. Wear it proudly every day. Did I get some looks right at first? You bet. Don't care. Interestingly, the boys at work have responded positively to my changes and I have my very first crush!!! B, my SO, is fully aware of my plans for transition and she is fully on-board and supportive. Our relationship has blossmed from great into amazing since coming out to her; we are so much more connected and intimate now than we ever were before, even though we actually have less sex. Talking has become one of my favorite activties. The best part: We are engaged and she plans on marrying me, man or woman. Her words on this topic: "Our love transcends gender barriers. I love YOU as a person and as long as I can have you in my life, I don't care if you are a boy or a girl." Wow. Her powerful words brought me to tears because I have never felt such love and acceptance. We went to Tiffany to pick out a ring the following day. Side note: I want everything in that store, their jewelry is just so beautiful.
She tells me that I look more and more feminine every day and it makes me feel so good when she does. I am currently looking for a gender therapist to get this ball rolling and I have narrowed my search down to three. Now I just have to decide which one I feel the most comfortable with and then take the first big step toward transition. We already have a baby; she wants me to bank a little bit because she told me point blank that she wants another one of my babies. Here again, her words: "We are awesome people who will be great parents; we are both smart and progressive and we owe the world a couple babies who share those values. I don't care if you transition but freeze some sperm because I want to have at least one more of your kids." Mind. Fully. Blown. I won the celestial lottery with her because she is just amazing. The possibility of HRT excites me and gives me nerves all at the same time; in my heart, it feels like it would be the right course of action but it would mean a big change, and changes make me nervous. I think nervousness towards change is a symptom of the human condition experienced by everyone regardless of gender. We are creatures of habit and we tend to stick with what we know. I think nervousness towards change is a healthy response because it forces us to think about all the possible outcomes we are capable concieving of and deciding on the most beneficial course of action. If we didn't have this built in safety mechanism I think we would all just make terrible decisions all the time and the world would be absolute chaos.
Am I scared? Yes, because this is the first time in my life I am actually confronting these feelings head-on and the road has been a little bumpy; there have been many tears shed but what I am slowly coming to realize is that the tears I cry are tears of sadness because I wasted all those young, beautiful years hiding behind a beard that never really fit my face. It is sadness because I feel like I have been cheating myself out of a truly wonderful experience. It is also hope; hope that each successive day will be better than the one before it. Hope in the idea that I will very soon be able to present myself to the world the way I really am. My tears are complex in that they generally do not represent one thing at a time. I painted my nails for the very first time the other night and was so proud of the result; metallic purple base with neon green polkadots. Oh man I loved that, and I cried so hard the night I had to take it off. It felt like I was stripping off a part of my soul. Emotions are part of being a girl and I have always fought that aspect of it. Not any longer.
So that is where we are currently. This is me I gueses.
I have learned that this life is way to short to try to pretend to be someone you are not. I've learned that people can always surprise you and that sometimes this is a good thing, and sometimes it is not. What makes the world a special place for me is that it is generally a big, bright place that is full of opportunity at every turn. The day is there for you to seize and it is your duty as a rational being to do just that. I love that we live in a time where the definition of 'normal' is being redefined every day. I remember when Ellen came out and the kind of uproar that caused; now, being gay and lesbian is fully accepted in everyday society and we trans folks live on one of the very last social frontiers. I know the reaction to it has been mixed, but I am so thankful that Bruce spoke publicly about his transition. Seeing him, the epitome of masculinity embodied by the olympic athlete, express to the world that he was a woman was truly inspiring to me. I cried through the whole interview; Diane Sawyer did such an amazing job and approached the subject from a very neutral and informative stance, a fact which I appreciated very much. I guess that is what makes the world such a speical place for me. You can be who you want. More broadly speaking, conscious existence is a blessing in itself because the experience of existing allows us to explore the mysteries of the universe from the aspect of a physical being. My life is an adventure and in the words of Bruce, "I want to see how this story ends."
So that is kind of my story. I spent 10 years working EMS in Chicago and now have a rewarding career as a scientist in the oleochemical field. The stars are in alignment for my transition because my company is very pro-diversity and very anti-discrimination; during orientation they went out of their way to fully explain the harassment and discrimination policy to the new hires. The HR guy said that we should all consider ourselves on our first warning because the corporate policy for that kind of behavior is zero-tolerance and they don't play around when it comes to investigations. The company actually conducts two investigations, the intial is conducted by HR and then a follow-up is conducted by a third-pary PI agency. Long story short, they are committed to a safe workplace both physically and psychologically because they believe that happy workers are productive workers. The result of this policy is that any time I walk through the managment halls or production floor, I am always greeted by smiles and waives. It is a very friendly place to work and it they will be totaly understanding about the transition process. I feel very safe and supported in my life and thus I feel now is the perfect time to transition. I know this was a fairly long post, but if you made it all the way through you should now have a pretty good idea of who Ana is. Also, if you made it through, thank you for sticking with my story. I am long-winded as a result of writing countless papers over the course of my academic career. Ah and to think that there are still so many more to come. I have to write a doctoral thesis at some point in the future and that scares me waaaaaaaaay more than the thought of transition. Academia is just ruthless when it comes to peer review. Well, much love to you all, and I hope to get to know many of you well over the coming years. I will leave you with this: Put love out into the universe and it will always find it's way back to you.
-Ana
