Looking for some guidance I suppose... /thought vomit on identity struggles

[GnomeKid]

Hello!

My thoughts at this point are rather jumbled... just having graduated college, working 3 jobs, and having a plethora of other career related "extra-curriculars" doesn't help either.  I have successfully transitioned from female to male, and it is not a move I regret in my life.  I love looking male entirely.. except for that everybody sees me as male (weird right?).  I still have a future phalloplasty on my to-do list that I don't plan to disregard, but I still internally seem to identify somewhere in between a lesbian and a straight man.  That being said I definitely don't (and never have) identified as a butch lesbian.  I still feel camaraderie with lesbians like "hey me too."  If anything... sometimes I think I would have chosen to have both top and bottom surgery and skip hormones?  But I really love my beard, and the extra muscle.  It seems to me a double edged sword... and this all could just end up being confused rambling... and oftentimes I don't mind being male... If I have to be just one or the other.  And at the same time I have no desire for female clothing or doing drag.  Maybe I miss androgyny.

I don't know if its the vast respect that I have for women, and my comparative lack of respect for men? Somehow though... I find it troublesome to be seen as strictly male. Couldn't I become male and still keep my hardcore queer lesbian vibe?  too late... its gone.  I feel like I want to have my female roots recognized.   Or maybe somehow I want the benefits of both genders at once... 

Maybe I'm just supposed to stay an out transman.  Have people know my roots.  I never tried to be stealth, but life's circumstances have sort of brought it my way for the moment.  Whatever it is... I'm just feeling a bit off about male-ness as a whole.  Though certainly I find it MUCH more physically comfortable then I found female-ness.  Mentally I feel sort of a mess (in whatever brief moments I have in the day to contemplate such things...)  Feminism guilt?  I was never really a feminist of any sort until after transition...

anywho... a lot of this is the rambling of someone coming off a 12 hour work day and about to head to bed for another 12 hour work day, and I apologize for that...
Any thoughts, comments, personal stories, or advice, however, is certainly welcomed. 

[sam1234]

One of the questions that comes to mind is, do you feel that you are attracted to women or men or both?I can see why you might have a bond with lesbians based on general attitudes and perhaps having gone through a period where you weren't sure what you were yet. Even though the gender issue is different than the sexual orientation issue, it doesn't mean that both can exist in the same person.

sam1234

[GnomeKid]

One of the questions that comes to mind is, do you feel that you are attracted to women or men or both?I can see why you might have a bond with lesbians based on general attitudes and perhaps having gone through a period where you weren't sure what you were yet. Even though the gender issue is different than the sexual orientation issue, it doesn't mean that both can exist in the same person.

sam1234

Yea... I bet thats really it.  I have respect for lesbians (women, really... but particularly lesbians) as a group.  I have very little respect for, or interest in, men as a group (particularly straight men as I myself have become). 
Obviously not talking individuals here.  I have some great straight male friends and I've met some lesbians out there I'd rather not give the time of day to. 

I think I also just miss walking down the street and being obviously queer.  Thats been a big part of my identity for a while.  I never minded the "are you a boy or a girl" questions.  Some days I'd say boy others girl.  Physically though I'm far more comfortable now.. Worth the social discomfort?  Only time can tell.

[sam1234]

I've only known 2 lesbians, both were nice ladies. As for guys, it seems to be very individual and somewhat age related. I went back to school in my late twenties, so i wasn't really interested in hanging out with the guys right out of high school who were away from home for the first time and taking advantage of that. In private conversations or groups, the younger guys were more apt to do the bragging about the what when and where of conquests, as well as  bragging (I suspect far out of proportion) about their penis size.

The older guys, ones that were more settled, some had families, were not into the drinking and caught up in outdoing each other's abilities in anything. This difference between younger guys and older ones seemed to be frequent enough to make a generalization about. I'm sure that there are many younger guys who are mature, respectful men, but I saw little of that in undergrad.

sam1234