Coming out to Cis friend

[JenniferGreen]

Hi all. I have booked to see a cis girl friend on Sunday night with the intention of coming out to her. She is the first real close friend that I will have come out to rather than people like old work colleges and health professionals. I have told her that it is something 'confidential' that I want to talk to her about and I am sure she has no idea that I am trans. My question to you is, should I get dressed and just open the door to her revealing all or revert to male mode and talk to her. I just wonder what would be faired on her. She is a pretty open minded and social person and a bit of a hippy.  I don't want to make presumptions on how it would affect her if I did a dramatic front door reveal.  Let me know you thoughts as this is a big and necessary moment for me. Jx

[Cindy]

Tough one.

I came out to my entire family by inviting them to dinner and I greeted them at the front door as me.

Went fine.

I decided early on in my transition that there was only one way for me that was to be true to me and damn the torpedoes. I deliberately, systematically and totally destroyed anyway for me to go back.

I lost very few people, (I won't even call them friends: if they didn't accept me they were never friends) and otherwise lots of questions but no rejection.

I'll pose a question. if you friend accepts you in male mode would she accept you in female mode? If she won't accept you in male mode would she accept you in female?

So my choice would be you, female.

But that is just me.

Hugs and good vibes to you whatever your call.

[JenniferGreen]

Thanks cindy,

I like your question. She more than accepts me in male mode and has helped me through some tough times. That's why after 6 months of selecting the right first person to come out to properly I settled on her. It's just I read all the coming out advice on line and it cautions you to think about how the person will react and the effect it will have on them. I personally think she will be ok when she gets over the initial WTF moment.  There is still a chance she might have a hint of what it's about. I just don't want to mess it up.  Probably thinking too much which is one of my issues anyway. Trans friends also caution me to remember that once your out your out.  If I don't come out though to some people who care about me I will not get past the feeling of isolation and subsequent depression though.  I have just reached that stop thinking and just do it frame of mind.  I have also booked to see my GP in two Monday's time and will be going as Jennifer for the first time.  That scares the life out of me too as I will have to sit in a waiting room and have my old name flash up on the overhead boards when my turn comes up. I just want to be able to be me and live my life fully while I still can.

[JenniferGreen]

Ok anyone else have a view. At present it is still going to be the front door reveal for me. Apart from anything I am more relaxed when being me so can talk about things with her better if it is all out in the open with no grey areas.  I am sooooo nervous though. Sunday seems like a long way away. Ahhhh. Jx

[Cindy]

Oh Jennifer,

I so know how you are feeling!

We face the loneliness of not being ourselves and hide behind the loneliness of our masks.

We do overthink things. But it doesn't really matter in the end what anyone says, we do walk our own path, and each of our journey's are equally valid.

I'll relate my first day at work as me.

The car park for FMC (the hospital I work at in Adelaide) is across a 6 lane highway. We park our cars and wait at the crossing.

I had gotten out of my car, wearing my black skirt and a sweater top. Wearing a pair of boots I love. My hair was a mess, just started to grow it out, make up a mess (on reflection). I can swear I could hear snickers from everywhere as I waited to cross.
I could feel the odd sensation of breeze on my legs.
I was sure every car driver was laughing at me as they drove past.

I was so alone. I have never been so alone.

I walked across the road, with every step I got stronger. "Go on, I dare you to laugh at me" I screamed through my brain.

I walked into the hospital, certain that everyone was laughing at me. "Stay strong girl, get to your office and hide" I was getting way beyond panic.


I got to my office and walked straight into a man who I had not told about my big day. He looked at me and asked straight off.  "Does this mean I have to remember to put the toilet seat down in the gents loo?" I smiled and said 'No. I'll never use a mans loo again' "Thank god for that, my wife and daughter pick on me at home for not putting the seat down, work is my safe place" "Ahh do you want a coffee, I'm making one and what name do I use?"

'I'm Cindy, and I'm a bit nervous'
"Why? You are being true to yourself, go for it"

Fear is in our hearts: Love is in everyone's heart.

Your fear is natural. But stand strong. Love is stronger than Fear and acceptance is wonderful.

Be brave Jennifer, and if and when the panic attack starts just lean on me.

I'll walk with you

Cindy

[JenniferGreen]

Thanks Cindy.  Its time like this i need some advice.  not the best at asking though.  your story is amazing.  its going to be a bit like that for me at the GP's i feel.  i have to walk through my village to get there too as i don't drive.  I hope things improve when i am out of the closet more.  I will keep you posted on my preparation.  off to see my kids now so back in male mode.  ho hum. jx

[JenniferGreen]

when our american sisters get on line i would love to hear your advice and tips about my coming out meeting with my friend and coming out in general.  I deliberately selected a female friend as I can relate to english girls better than the emotionally challenged men in england.  It always been one of my issues with living as a male that the emotional care i get from them is usually in the form of a pint down the pub and pretending everything is ok when its not.  i am bricking this as they say in our country.  Jx

[JenniferGreen]

Ok so its all done and dusted.  I wanted to share with you all some of what happened last night. 

my friend Clare phone at 6.00pm to say she was going to be early and would see me in 10 mins.  Before she phoned off i said that she might get a little surprise when she arrived to which she said 'ok' and phoned off.  I was ready and waiting dressed modestly in a red girl t shirt and knee length black skirt with all the trimmings, black tights, plain necklace, daytime make up, best blonde bob wig (very understated for me.)

she arrived and i opened the front door.

Hi clare

oh hi.  (lots of loving smiles)

come in.  do you want a cup of tea glass or wine?

a cup of tea would be nice.  i have just driven back from london.

ok fine i will be having a wine if thats ok.

so whats going on here?

Im transgender.

cool.  I will have to read up on that.

I've been very nervous and its taken me a long time to work up to this.

would you like a hug then? 

we both embrace and have a nice hug.  ( can't write much more as tears are tripping down my face even now)

ok do you want milk in the tea?

yes please.

We chatted about me and trans things for a short bit but she was more interested in just me not the whole trans thing. we talked like girls and she siad  had better legs and boobs etc etc.

total acceptance and unconditional love and support!  wow.  can't get my head round that...

The last thing i will share is the texts i got off her after she left.  I had sent her the obligatory thank you text to which she replied:

"your welcome.  I feel privileged that you told me. If you need to chat or company when telling people we both know i'll be there. Cx"

i texted back complement and said I was welling up.  reply was:

"well don't let the mascara run! I think you may be surprised how open minded most people are." 

well what can I say to that.  pass the tissues I think.  eyes seem to be malfunctioning this morning.  Jx

[Cindy]

 

[cindy16]

Wow, that's really nice. Seems like a perfect friend and ally to have!

[Ms Grace]

Sorry I came late to this thread. Really glad to hear it went so well for you she sounds like a great friend. I remember telling a friend who I had known for many years but one who I had pegged as not likely to be supportive - organised lunch with her and spilt the beans and she said "oh sweetie, I've always known!" About two days later I received a small gift in the mail from her - a card and a key chain engraved "Grace". We can never tell how someone will react, but it's always fantastic when they are so supportive!

[Lady Smith]

Oh that's so wonderful that it all went so well.  The first time out is scary, but it's going ahead and doing it anyway that counts.

It sounds like you have a lovely friend and ally which is a true blessing.

[JenniferGreen]

Thank you all so much. I hope my story encourages others to take that scary step. I can't believe its happening to me. I could not have done this without the support I have had on hear some of which has been off the boards support with you beautiful people . I found this site just over a year ago and never thought I would be doing this. I   Never wanted to be transitioning but now I am life is becoming so much easier. It swhat was going on in my own head and the fear and anxiety that got me. I feel so special and blessed. I do need to get a new box of tissues and stop selling up so much. 30 years of repressed emotion and fear is lifting from me and it feels great. For others reading this I hope one day you make it to your place. I never dreamed this would be me one day.  Biggest thanks goes to my friend Clare who has no idea how this has effected me and the others hear reading it. Clare you are a star and the hope you have given me is now the hope of others around the world. One persons kindness in the space of a few minuets has changed my world and those of others. God I am getting gushy again. Did I say thanks again? Sorry just feeling so happy after so long is worth the stress of the past two years of procrastination and soul searching. Love and peace to you all. Jx

[Rachel]

I am so happy it works out so well,

[JenniferGreen]

Thanks Cynthia. I has also come out to my oldest friend back in Ireland who is an uber male and ex socialist IRA. (Go work that one out) he is a lovely loving person and told me that he would be a hypocrite if he did anything to make me feel less loved as he has stood up for equality and peace for years! Not sure he will be able to get the idea of me as a woman sorted until he meets Jen. But he was so unphased.  Did I just dream this TG hating world up in my head? I am beginning to wonder. Seriously.  What is going on

[JenniferGreen]

Well folks.  Just met with Clare's partner and my close friend too.  I was not feeling confident about coming out but just told him that I was transgender.  He did not seem phased at all.  He just said so what is that then is that the same as being a ->-bleeped-<-? I explained a lot of things about the gender spectrum and he grilled me like it was a job interview.  All friendly and fine.  He is a professor of mathmatics  at the university and has a logical way of dealing with things.  He asked about clothes and said do you wear women's clothes then. ( I was dressed in male mode as I had come from work) . I replied that I wear my clothes. Lots of questions about am I gay. Do I shave my legs. Do I wear dresses. All ok though.  When he went to the loo I looked at Clare and just exploded with emotion and said I can't take this.  Fell to my knees and kind of laughed strangely.  I was engulfed with a big hug and soon joined by by friend too.  Big group hug.  I was told that I was loved and that I should not ever think of hurting myself.  They then plied me with local cider and Pete asked me about my sizes of clothes and where I shopped. He then told me that he wore his partners clothes sometimes and was totally into the idea of crossdressing? I showed him some pics of Jen and he said I looked good.  The conversation went on for an hour more and they said that that would speak to their kids soon so that they would be ok with Jen coming down to see them.  They both just said that I needed to understand that they were not phased by it at all and would like to help me with my transition.  They said that I should tell them if I was feeling low and that I was welcome to stay with them at any time if I was in need of company. Clare then discussed how we could go shopping and how we could work together to develop a fashion style that was more me.  Got critique on hair and told that we were going to go to a specialist she knew in wigs ( Bristol is one of the BBC,s main centres in England so we have a lot of top people here in that sort of thing) . I left their place feeling like I had just had a normal evening with them and walked into town literally laughing and smiling all the way.  This must be the most surreal week of my life.  I seem to be the only one with issues about me being trans.  Did I miss a meeting where this was all worked out in Bristol? Feels like it.  Maybe my friends are just different or something but right now I am glad to have them.  If you could ever have a better start to transitioning I am not sure I know what it would be for me.  I really am so relaxed right now. I know there are challenges and I have lots of tough situations to face but with the love and hugs(I love hugs and had a few top ones tonight) I think I can face the challenges ahead.  For the first time in ages I can begin to see the future with some hope rather than just total fear and dread. I think I am going to sleep well tonight. Oops not just yet.  Eyes doing that funny watering thing again.