wife can't be with a woman

[megan7777]

so I started this thread that shares my history of trying to come out.
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,186389.0.html

and... now my wife and I have had more "fensing" style talks, skirting the elephant in the room, touching on the subject but then backing away because its painful for her (and me). and from these I've pieced together that her intent is that she can't be with a woman (she needs man). So now I'm crushed. I know what I am, I know what is going on with me. I'm not making this up. My frustration is that I love my partner, and I love my kids and I want to have a family with them. I don't care if it has to be platonic, or we sleep in different rooms, or what have you, as long as we share our lives together. Is this possible?  the other option is divorce, and I simply don't want to go there.

I don't know a way forward at this time. Its easy to say "I'll do X if she says Y" but in reality, I'm petrified and frozen. anyway. I really wish she would just say to me "OK...you are transgender, what are WE going to do?" that would make all of this so much easier, than the weird dance we are doing.

[Ms Grace]

Hugs. I'm sorry you are in this position. Sadly, if she feels she can't be in a relationship with a woman, if she is totally heterosexual then yes she is likely to find your transition won't very well for her intimacy needs. Talking about it is the only way through it - she might change how she feels but the resolution might still not end the way you want to even if she fully accepts you. More hugs.

[ChiGirl]

That is rough.  So sorry you're in this position.  It's like the unstoppable force meeting the immovable object. 

It's possible she could come around, but it doesn't sound like an initial reaction.  Give her time, show her how much you love her.  I was given the advice that I needed to woo my wife all over again.  I don't know if that will work, but I wish you good luck and hugs.  Remember you are not alone in this.

[iKate]

Hi Megan,

Sorry that all this is happening. My wife said the same thing too. She doesn't even want to be seen with me when I go full time. "I'm not a lesbian" is what she has told me. She's also against same sex marriage and doesn't want to be in one.

So what do I do? Life goes on. We will split sooner rather than later (already working out the logistics) and co-parent. No choice. I have to be me. I can't be him any longer because I was dying.

Honestly you could give her time but prepare yourself for a split. If she's wired to be heterosexual then there is little you can do. And don't blame her either, like your gender identity her sexual orientation isn't a choice. Sorry to say it that way but this is reality for me as well.  That's my 2¢ for what it's worth.

[megan7777]

That is rough.  So sorry you're in this position.  It's like the unstoppable force meeting the immovable object. 

It's possible she could come around, but it doesn't sound like an initial reaction.  Give her time, show her how much you love her.  I was given the advice that I needed to woo my wife all over again.  I don't know if that will work, but I wish you good luck and hugs.  Remember you are not alone in this.

Thank you for the touching shares. My wife is basically saying a few things to me in code  (or dancing conversation, skirting discussion,while trying to have the discussion )

1 - she can't be with a women
2 - we will live a platonic relationship
3 - she wants her man to remain male.

and of course these 1 and 3 conflict some with the inner me. 2 she says jokingly, but I think its her way of trying to say she wants to stay with me, but if I change we'd have different rooms.

we were having a close talk on the bed yesterday, and I asked her to promise me that no matter what she would stay with me, and she couldn't do it. she couldn't say it. Yet, I can tell she wants to say it, but she can't yet (or maybe I'm delusional, and she can't ever say it).

And I feel the clock is ticking for me, and it is causing me massive anxiety. I feel I need to laser my face and start electrolosis, and I feel I need to start HRT, like yesterday.  I'm not sure what to do about it, other than to just start doing it...  , yet I don't want to be sneaky, I feel for me, I need to start the steps towards the end goal.

I'm not kidding when I Say if I as a kid had access to information/internet, I would have changed 30 years ago. and if I could choose my outward gender appearance at birth it would be female.

[Jenna Marie]

There are certainly couples who remain together in platonic but very loving relationships; whether that's something you both can manage, possibly only time will tell.

I don't think she can make that promise any more than you could promise exactly how your transition will go... some things you can only find out by living them. I know my wife promised she would *try* to work things out for as long as possible (and we are in fact still together, including romantically, but she's bisexual and prefers women so it's different). It sounds like you both still love each other, and that's a good start.

[ChloëAri]

I'm sorry that this is happening. This is a difficult situation that isn't fairly uncommon in this community it seems.

To be honest, I feel that she is handling this quite well. She married what she believed to be a man, and that is with whom she chose to be. While your character and personality are still there, are you still the same person? If the man I married told me that they were female, I would accept that, but we would have to dissolve any martial bonds and simply stay friends from that point on. What you must remember is that most heterosexuals are also heteroromantics, meaning that only those of the opposite gender can fulfill them sexually and romantically. That's two things that she would be missing. I don't believe trying to get a vocal promise to stay together is a winning strategy for anyone in this case, and will only lead to more pain down the road while the both of you could have moved on.

I understand that this is difficult, but remember to be fair to her. 

[megan7777]

Alright. I'm at peace (not peace I'm just exhausted I think is a better word) I'm gonna take this offline for a bit, and struggle with it.

To share I was recently promoted upwards at a company that I found out fired some very prominent transgender people in the past (hint this site has an article on her ). So...now I'm dealing with that, and though they say they are LGBT friendly.. I'm no so convinced that is the case in the U.S anyway.

I don't want to NOT be in my kids, or her life. so wrestling with that and what that means

I am struggling with self expression, constantly exhausted

I'm gonna try and not dump in these forums for a bit, till I get some real traction here. Thanks to ALL of you for your help and assistance and your thoughts, hugs, warmth, and even criticisms are appreciated. they all matter and I wouldn't have it any other way.

[Rachel]

Megan,

I am in the same situation.

Keep open communication

Reinforce your love for her

[JoanneB]

"I did not marry a Woman"
"I like men and what they have. Rubber just is not the same"
"I cannot imagine you wearing a strap-on"

Sound familiar? I can go on. Though the frequency of them have diminished from when I first dropped the T-Bomb 5-6 years ago her feelings have not changed. Now that I have a for real B cup I now also get "I cannot see you as a man anymore" and "I can't think of you as my husband with those bumps on your chest".

She also constantly tells me how much she loves me. Appreciates all the difficulties I am going through trying to change for the better and hold everything together. How she fell in love with me again now that I am in a far better place. I can go on.

We both do what we can to survive, together. I am (more then) extremely envious seeing year after year all the newbies in my support group show up scared scared and confused their first few meetings and within 2 years fully transitioned living full time. I always have to remind myself their life is different from mine. Their priorities, their choices are different from the ones I need to make for myself.

BTW - As someone who is in a highly visible position in my company keeping my job, my career, my "I can't believe they pay me to have fun" employment, what would happen if I came out there is a BIG factor holding me back right now. Like your situation my place
A) Is in a state that has some level of TG protections
B) Has the required World Class Corporation "Diversity Policy" listing gender identity and/or expression among the other required protected classes
c) Has terminated a TG in the past. Got sued, paid out to make it go away. That was I think 3 buyouts ago but much of the management team here today were there back when, as I was.
D) In a different life I was in upper management and know all too well if someone is not worth the hassle, they will be gotten rid of. This experience only confirmed what was pretty much obvious from the trenches. It doesn't matter who you are. How much you made for them. How great you are doing what you do. If too many people are bothered by some aspect of your personality you got to go. "Shooting yourself in the foot" is something upper management seems to have a boundless talent for.

[megan7777]

Wife gave me the ultimatum, she said to me in tears "let me go so I can get my life going again, or be a man and drop this for good"

I have kids, a job, a house, family (that has NO idea I'm transgender). And I'm in shock, shes in shock. I cannot believe she is so unreasonable, so one way. So old school traditional, binary.

I'm under so much anxiety and stress, I just want to quit my job, quit my marriage, and quit everything, but I won't.

I want us to work out, yet I feel she is playing games because she will talk to me about these "cute lesbian couples she waited on at work" but then if I show any interest, I'm being weird. I don't get her anymore.

[rosetyler]

1 - she can't be with a women
2 - we will live a platonic relationship
3 - she wants her man to remain male.

Item 1 is the only thing she has 100% control over.  #3 is entirely up to YOU, and Item 2 is something she's only got half control over.

It's not fair to ask her to agree to stay with you no matter what, just like it wouldn't be fair for her to ask you to give up your transition.  YOU may want this relationship to work out, but she has her needs too.  I really feel for both of you, and wish I could give both of you big hugs.

[The_Gentleboy]

Unfortunately your wife seems very set in stone and it'll be difficult to sway her. Clearly you're not prepared to halt your transition and shes not prepared to be with you as your true self. I'm also guessing she probably thinks it best for the kids and all that. It sounds like something has to give, it's not going to split in half and realistically I think you'll have to adjust to the idea of having the kids on weekends or every half a week.

I'm awfully sorry, this must be heartbreaking for you. I hope it works out favouring you all equally as painlessly as possible.

Massive hugs
Gentleboy

[sparrow]

Have you or her sought counselling?  For us late-bloomers, it's a big big deal (not to say anything about anybody else... but I can't speak for them).  If you can find a good counsellor who specializes in gender identity issues, it can be a (literal) life-saver.  I'm blessed with a wife who is willing to be in a relationship with a woman, provided that woman is me (I'm 'the exceptional woman' and she is not a lesbian).  But she wasn't always of that opinion.  At first, I heard a lot of "never", "don't", and "won't".

I've suffered greatly, and visibly, because of those conversations.  That visible suffering is what eventually pulled on my wife's heart, and opened her mind to the possibilities.  It's taken over 2 years.  Two years ago, she was in tears at the sight of me in some cute cut-offs.  Yesterday, we went shopping with me presenting as female, and I got my very first bra with her help.  She even liked holding my hand out in public!

Remember that she's suffering a lot.  Have compassion for her loss.  Imagine how you would take it, if you were in her shoes.    Processing grief over the loss of a loved one can take years.  Let her see you cry.  Explain your dysphoria, and what it feels like.  One of my bigger epiphanies was this: "the strongest emotions I've felt in the last month have been shame and disgust surrounding my body image -- this is, unfortunately, what it means to be a woman in today's society".  My wife had a huge amount of sympathy for that idea, and it marked a stark turning point in her view of my condition.