(Trigger Warning?)Took a break and did some thinking.

[Avinia]

Once again took a step back to think everything through, had mostly forgotten about everything trans related for the last week or so..

Then today everything became weird for me again. Besides one of my aunts staying with the family this week(getting ready for a funeral on Friday)...

Seeing my other aunt tomorrow, recently found out she is pretty much crazy. I suspect it is more to do with her being off her medication, and doing drugs, but it has caused the whole extended and immediate family to be worried about her.

Now.. The reason of this post(hopefully it will make sense, tired at the moment)... Well, the reason is mainly because if I don't post I will forget by tomorrow morning..

I just realized that the past 3 or so years, I have literally been just looking for a place to belong, and have pretty much forgotten who I am honestly. Also realized my life right now mainly consists of doing school, sleeping, eating, and playing on my computer. I have no real friends anymore, and I have no idea what I am going to do after I graduate this year.

More on the mental side of things, I have no idea what is wrong with me, and now even doubt if I am trans like I originally thought. Pretty much, I do have suicidal thoughts now, but know I would never be able to directly commit suicide, so I just don't bother to protect myself very well from dangerous situations.

It took me until now to realize as well that even the family members I am close to, have no idea what goes on in my mind, all I really do is sit silently all day besides a few short conversations which are mostly filled with random stuff, then dropped quickly.

All I see myself being good at is gathering information, probably the only advantage of me being quiet.

Now the part that makes me doubt my idea of being trans. I have been searching for a place to belong these last 3 years I guess, and the only reason I have stayed on these forums for so long is because I guess I sort of found that here. Other than here, I have done a lot of stupid things these past few years.

Mostly started with the "vampire/goth phase" where I got involved with the stupid occult stuff, but it ended pretty fast for me. Then moved to just more stupid things like trying to blind myself because of whatever reason, then trying to destroy my hearing... Yep.. I am stupid.

Present times now, the only things I really know I have an interest in which are actually my interests are music, and a want to help people. Other than that, I even doubt who I perceive myself as sometimes.

Only reason I am posting here now is because the only other places I could are gone now(Yahoo stopped accepting Gmail, my "friend" told me to stop sending stuff to him). More than likely I will end up watching this thread for the next few days then leaving these forums.

Thanks for all the help over the however long I have been here, most likely after this I will start trying to improve my life and find who I am, and not what I thought I was... Already have sort of started that by improving my diet and overall health, as well as communicating with my family more.. also hopefully will start looking for a job soon.

May eventually come back, in a couple years when I know more about myself I guess.

[sparrow]

I genuinely hope that you've found your true self.  I've had a similar "break" induced by traumatic deaths and people's reactions to me... in the end, I think it was denial and shame in myself... I can't / won't speak for you.

It sounds like you have a lot of self-destructive tendencies.  Are you seeing somebody about that?

[chloeD33]

Do what you need to do to survive and be happy . I do have one question. How do you post a topic like this? I am having troubles y'all :/

[Rachel]

Chloe, to post a new topic go to a Forum like Transgender Talk and hit the blue button stating "new topic".

Sparrow, good luck in your journey. We are here to support you if you need it.

I have done some very self destructive things in my life. Mostly because I really hated myself and did not care what happened. Yet on some level I tried with all my heart to excel at certain things. I eventually reduced my self destructive behaviors until late 2012. Then it spiked to a point where I had to get help and address my underlying issues. I hope you can avoid all the life long turmoil and address your issues now. Good luck and we are here for you if you need us.

[sam1234]

Whether you are a transgender or not, it sounds like it might be time to get some help from a therapist. While school can certainly take up most of your time and seperate you from have much of a social life, its not a reason to be feeling suicidal. You may never do anything or those feelings may intensify. Its not worth the risk.

Before I transitioned, I went for years kind of like you are now. Not really belonging to anything, feeling on the outside and rarely talking. No one seemed to notice even though I had gone from outgoing in elementary school to a sudden isolation and depression at the fifth grade level. Finally, at sixteen, I found karate, and for once I felt like I belonged. All the attributes that made me an outcast as a "girl", like aggression in play, weight lifting and always being competitive physically were suddenly not only accepted, but encouraged. The problem was, after three years, the school closed and my world crumbled. The thought of once again being an outcast, not belonging and having no real understanding of what to do about it lead to a series of suicide attempts. It wasn't until 8 years later that I found out that transitioning was a real thing that i was able to come back again to the living.

There is nothing wrong with taking a break to find yourself, but some of your darker thoughts concern me because they just sound too familiar. Please consider finding a therapist who can help you through your confusion. Sometimes you just need outside help to find your way back.

sam1234

[Avinia]

Sorry for not replying right away, ended up being gone all day yesterday(I was only expecting a few years).

What is going on with one of my aunts right now is encouraging me to see a therapist before things get too bad for me(I guess my aunt has already attempted suicide multiple times in the last 6 months). Probably will talk to my parents about it after the stress of the funeral and my aunt passes.

Was planning on asking about a therapist anyways since I am getting very uncomfortable about starting classes at a community college this year.

For the transgender stuff, I am still pretty sure I a most likely will need to transition eventually, but for now I am more concerned about my other issues, and also there is so much tension with my extended family that I would rather not worry them(or have them blame my aunt, thus one of the reasons I already opted to not tell them about one of the things that worried me about my aunt.. would have pissed off the family more probably).

Edit: Forgot to mention, one of the issues with seeing a therapist is that for whatever reason my mom hates the idea of a therapist. I guess it has something to do with how my aunts went to therapy for certain reasons then were suddenly remembering stuff they hadn't remembered before, so guess my mom thinks all therapists are going to implant thoughts into you that you otherwise wouldn't have.

But she is okay with my brother and his wife seeking therapy it sounds like, though she still sounds a bit iffy about that.