[Self-Pitty] Puzzled and confused...

[bluebirdx88]

Okay, so first off... My E dosage was doubled this Monday by my endo, so maybe that explains why I'm probably feeling more self-hatred than usual with this topic...

I lose hair, a lot of it... I have to unclog the shower each time I wash my hair, hence why I avoid doing it much, and ehh lately I've been looking at my hairline more and more in the mirror.... Big mistake.. You start noticing other faults....  Next thing you do is get paranoid, and decide that maybe window shopping free FFS before-and-after preview consultations will probably up your mood...

Then you see the pictures you've taken...







The first phrase that came to mind was ... "You're worthless, you're always going to be worthless, nobody could ever love a ugly-ass looking freak like you...." Pondering if maybe.. Just maybe, if asking a stranger to stab you in an alleyway could be a possible solution, after all it's not considered suicide, right?

....

Next moment, I let my hair loose.... Take more pics just to see.....





Suddenly... I look like I usually do, I don't look so bad....

I decide to check a gallery I did for my progress:

http://imgur.com/a/I8S95

Wow, I  really don't look that bad at all....

But... Those pictures earlier? What I see in the mirror each time I look? What I look like without makeup?

Which is the real me?

How much of my attractiveness is artificial?

I really can't stop crying and have no idea what to think anymore... All I know I hate myself... And the more I see other 'before and after' galleries from sub->-bleeped-<-s I became more and more jealous and self-concious...

What do I do?

[LordKAT]

If I were you, I would stop comparing and just be.

[Dodie]

Lol
Welcome to transition and E
U will be awesome but may take time to realize it and embrace it.
I am a lot older than u. If I could do it think about how wonderful ur future will be.
Chill out chick and enjoy the ride
Dodie

[Vanny]

If I had 100 years from today to grow hair I would still have none.  Putty train or pride.  These are your choice.  Perhaps...choose happiness vs despair


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[Ms Grace]

Yes, I think you're worrying a bit too much - you have very feminine features. You'r hair loss may be due to a change in hormone levels or it could be separate from that, if it continues then you should see your doc.

[stephaniec]

your face is very feminine . hair loss happens to a lot of people if it's coming out that much in a short period, I'd definitely see a doctor to find out why.

[barbie]

If hair is your major concern, you may consider hair transplantation. Some of my male colleagues at their 50s got hair transplantation, and all of them are satisfied with the results. The cost is probably a few thousand US$.

barbie~~

[ClaireIvene]

The best estrogen is the human 17 Beta Estradiol and for AA's Spironolactone should be a sufficient choice... your probably on both anyway. Sorry about the pain you are going through about hating yourself and having such strong horrible self esteem. I am beginning to feel the same away about myself. ): For healthy scalp hair and growth eat well, drink plenty of water and try taking Flaxseed Oil(Cold Pressed) ALA for healthy hair. GMA is also good for hair health as with biotin etc. I suggest you try googling healthy scalp and hair info online.

Really, I wish you the best and feel your pain truly.


Love Claire Ellia Holliday.

[runaway]

Wow you're hot!

I went through a shed cycle a few months after starting HRT, but it stopped after a month. My hair has only thickened since then, and I'm regaining my hairline at the temples. Lots of new fuzzy hairs all around my hairline have sprouted in the past 6 months or so. Every few months I seem to go through another small shed cycle, with more new growth coming in a few weeks after.

You're probably fine!

If you're not on finasteride, try asking your endocrinologist about it. Some people are genetically very sensitive to dihydrotestosterone, so regular spiro and estrogen might not stop it.

[Lady_Oracle]

First try to take it easy on yourself. You're only 8 months in and looking great! Also welcome to hair shedding land. On average you shed like a 50-100 hairs a day. When you have medium to long hair, its gonna look like a lot especially if you haven't brushed it out for the day. For example if you go like 3-4 days without brushing it and detangling, you'll see twice as much hair falling out since it accumulates. It might look like you're actually losing hair but you're not. Stress can definitely make things worst either way.

My hair is like really long now but when it was your length I was clogging up the drain back then too so its even worst now lol.

[katrinaw]

You have such a feminine and pretty face, to me your hair looks fabulous, wish I had some of that 

Look I go through days of looking in mirrors, finding every fault I can think of, went through a stage of measuring every part of my body... its all no good as it sends you down a destructive loop... I got very, very miserable...
- But found a great bottle of wine... cried, drank a few glasses, then slapped myself around a bit... Life's good...
I have used that mantra ever since I realised I was a girl (apart from a few silly and dangerous moments as a kid), then hid it for so long (managing my Dysphoria) but life was and is still good.

As you move on through transition you'll just feel more and more natural about yourself, you should already, based on your piccies....

L Katy

[Zoetrope]

Ale when I pull my hair back, my head looks like a corrugated shed. I often want it botoxed to hell. That and I have shockingly bad facial hair, all over, which is resistant to laser ...

I also have the bones of a rugby player.

What can I do, except do what any other girl does, and try to focus on my assets?

Chat soon

x

[AndreaLinda]

in my humble opinion, you look fantastic!.don't worry about people's opinion. The only thing that matters is YOU.

So, don't be afraid and go conquer the world lol

[KristinaM]

Jumping on the bandwagon here, but dayum!  I absolutely love your angular features.  Reminds me of Nicole Kidman.  Plenty of "biological" women have issues with thinning hair.  I don't see a receding hairline or anything, but your hair just looks baby fine.  My wife's hair is similar.  Very nice, very feminine, keep up the good work. 

[bluebirdx88]

There's a lot of replies to answer one by one so this goes out to all of you.. Thank you so much, truly.

I started losing hair when I was around 13.... I did in fact have hair implants when I was 19... Had to get a loan and get stupidly in debt, as did my mom to cover me... Yep, they've mostly all fallen out... So I'm not doing that again... As for my hairline, well you can't truly appreciate it that much in the pics, let's just say that where it looks like I'm starting to miss hair on the side pic, well, now picture a circle, and that's the middle of the circle.... I'm missing a lot of hair all the way to the middle of my scalp...

But you're right... Making a big deal and worrying about something inevitable is rather pointless... I just, I just wished never to have a wig ever again... It seems like I'll have to accept it... I guess there's some that don't look fake as hell... Problem is saving up again.

As for the rest of my issues... Yeah, in part as I mentioned in the first post... My E was doubled so I guess that's the reason for most of the melodrama, I spent almost an entire 24 hours awake by the time I wrote this post and fell asleep momentarily after writing it... I woke up at 5pm and I'm still feeling incredibly tired and meh... So it could be that, I'm sorry... I'm not usually such a cry baby.

Oh and thank you so much to those who said I look great.... I still truly can't see it, but thank you... Most of my friends (all cis IRL... wish I knew more trans people...) Say that I'm being silly and that I'm actually very cute...Problem with compliments is, the more you hear them the less you believe them... I really don't like being told things to feel better, I want the truth.

@Dodie: LOL! Gotta love the ups and downs.... Don't want to think of my mental state when I'm upped to full dosage.
@Sara: ... 2 years and a bit IPL, still have a goatee the next day, and full beard after a week.... Each time I moan to the hairdresser who does it, she says cis women have thin facial hair too, doesn't quite get that a full beard after a week is not the same as a few hairs on your lip....)
@ClaireIvene: Estradiol Valerate, Crypterone A....Something... (Androcur) and Finasteride.... (Hoping the endo will someday decide to add Progesterone coz my inexistant bewbs look more like pects....)
@Runaway: Been on finasteride since I got my implants at 19.... Stayed at the correct dosage for hair loss but it still fell out like cray, when I started on HRT I self upped it to the full prostate cancer dosage... (Yes auto-medication is bad, I'm not aproving of it.. But I do what I want.) Still falling out like cray.... So finasteride is useless....
@katrinaw: I think a bottle of rosé, a bubble bath and some candles will do wonders Gonna get to it as soon as I press 'post' hehe.

To those I didin't give an @... I think I sorta replied on the main paragraph and / or in the other @'s.... I apologize ;_;