Preferences and a ticking clock

[FTMax]

I think Suzi's hit the nail on the head there. They're really two separate questions that are absolutely baffling when you put them in the same train of thought.

Personally, I think T has killed my biological clock. I absolutely wanted to have kids during college/grad school/first few professional years, all while identifying as trans (though pre-transition and hormones at that point). I'm 26 now and I have no interest in raising a child. Not saying it won't change in the future, but it was a very clear change for me mentally.

I can say with certainty that I do not want to contribute biologically to a child. Assuming my eggs would even still be viable at that point, I would not want to have them harvested and I would not want to carry. I would like to have a total hysto within the next two years, with the potential for bottom surgery down the road. Whoever I end up with has to be up for adoption or some sperm bank IVF if we decide on kids.

As far as who you want to be with, I don't think it makes you a jerk to know what you like. When explaining it to other people, it's all about how you deliver it. I think if you explain your preferences the way you did here, no one could fault you for it.

My only personal advice as someone who has dated other transfolks in the past: don't date someone who will trigger your dysphoria unless you are sure you can handle it. Obviously it's great that they understand what you go through, but not being able to even look at someone in varying states of undress makes a non-ace adult relationship very difficult. Not sure if your last relationship was physical or not, but I think this is something that often gets overlooked until you're in the moment, and in my experience it is a relationship ruiner.

[Ian68]

Personally, I think T has killed my biological clock. I absolutely wanted to have kids during college/grad school/first few professional years, all while identifying as trans (though pre-transition and hormones at that point). I'm 26 now and I have no interest in raising a child. Not saying it won't change in the future, but it was a very clear change for me mentally.

I can say with certainty that I do not want to contribute biologically to a child. Assuming my eggs would even still be viable at that point, I would not want to have them harvested and I would not want to carry. I would like to have a total hysto within the next two years, with the potential for bottom surgery down the road. Whoever I end up with has to be up for adoption or some sperm bank IVF if we decide on kids.

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My only personal advice as someone who has dated other transfolks in the past: don't date someone who will trigger your dysphoria unless you are sure you can handle it. Obviously it's great that they understand what you go through, but not being able to even look at someone in varying states of undress makes a non-ace adult relationship very difficult. Not sure if your last relationship was physical or not, but I think this is something that often gets overlooked until you're in the moment, and in my experience it is a relationship ruiner.

How long have you been on T, may I ask?  I won't take it for longer than 18 months, specifically to avoid the increased risk of sterility, hair loss, and other unpleasantries.  Personally, I have no desire for a hysterectomy, and certainly not for an oophorectomy or bottom surgery.  All of that said, I doubt that my clock will be imperiled from going on T.  I have wanted kids since I was 7 years old (if not younger - I'm 27 now); it's not just biological (because I would be happy with adopted kids), it's that I very strongly want to have a family.  I have always wanted to have kids, in the sense of wanting to bring them up, and teach them, and deal with all of the teenage rebellion, and all of it, haha.  If I could realistically have 6+ kids, spend enough time with each of them, have my career, and be able to afford to send them all to school/ maintain a certain lifestyle, I'd do it in a heartbeat.  Realistically, I'd like to have 2-4 kids.  Ultimately, I don't *really* care precisely how it happens - adoption, surrogacy, IVF (if I should marry a cisgender woman).  I would never want to physically carry a child, and I'm fortunate enough that I should always have the means to not need that as an option.  That said, if I lived in a country without the resources that are available here, I'd consider it under certain conditions. 


Regarding your caution of another transgender person "triggering" dysphoria within the context of an intimate relationship, I guess I don't really understand what you mean...  I'd think that it would be much less likely for a transgender woman than a cisgender woman to trigger dysphoria in my case, exactly because of that shared experience.  I'm really confused by the "not being able to look at someone in varying states of undress" statement...  From whose perspective?  Did you mean that *I* might get dysphoric seeing a transgender woman nude, or that I would be *more* dysphoric being seen nude?  I mean, I'm going to be embarrassed to be seen nude in any context, not because of dysphoria (don't have bottom dysphoria, and will have top surgery soon) but simply because that's a very vulnerable position for anyone.  In the reverse case, I don't see how seeing a woman I loved nude would make *me* dysphoric, that's not a concern that I have at all.  Someone else's body doesn't affect my gender; I'd be much more concerned with whether or not (I would really, really hope not) she felt dysphoric.  Of course, this is just my perspective so, I'm not saying that everyone can or should share my views.

And no, my last relationship was not physical, though, I regret that among many, many other things.

[FTMax]

I've been on T for five months. I don't think it's a common thing, and I've never heard another transguy say the same thing (though I've also never asked - it would be very interesting to see poll results for FTMs on this, but it's a very qualitative question).

If you have no bottom dysphoria, or are only intending to pursue post-op ladies, then my advice may not apply. It's something I've heard echoed a few times from MTF/FTM couples. As you said though, it may be something your future partner experiences, so you may benefit from hearing the thought process.

Despite a high level of affection, caring for the other person, and having the shared experience of dysphoria, I am extremely triggered by the lower anatomy opposite of what I was born with. It makes me feel incredibly depressed and inadequate despite my previous (MTF) partner's best attempts to improve the situation. It is something that only occurs in those situations - outside of them, I am completely comfortable and confident about myself and my body. Unfortunately it isn't something that I have been able to move past, despite having very serious feelings for her.

And ultimately that may be a hurdle you have to deal with in dating another transperson - if one of you experiences a lot of dysphoria in intimate situations (in whatever context - for you it may be your chest until top surgery), are you content to modify or forego a physical relationship? With my previous partner, we had several frank discussions about it and came to the mutual conclusion that I need to be with someone who shares my current lower anatomy if I'm going to be able to maintain my mental health and enjoy the physical aspects of an adult relationship.

As it turns out, I actually didn't think I had any bottom dysphoria until I was in that situation.

[Ian68]

I've been on T for five months. I don't think it's a common thing, and I've never heard another transguy say the same thing (though I've also never asked - it would be very interesting to see poll results for FTMs on this, but it's a very qualitative question).

If you have no bottom dysphoria, or are only intending to pursue post-op ladies, then my advice may not apply. It's something I've heard echoed a few times from MTF/FTM couples. As you said though, it may be something your future partner experiences, so you may benefit from hearing the thought process.

Despite a high level of affection, caring for the other person, and having the shared experience of dysphoria, I am extremely triggered by the lower anatomy opposite of what I was born with. It makes me feel incredibly depressed and inadequate despite my previous (MTF) partner's best attempts to improve the situation. It is something that only occurs in those situations - outside of them, I am completely comfortable and confident about myself and my body. Unfortunately it isn't something that I have been able to move past, despite having very serious feelings for her.

I'm really sorry that you had to end a relationship due to something that you really had no control over and no way of knowing beforehand.    Personally, I don't have any issues with feeling inadequate about my lower body so, I'm very fortunate in that regard - though, I recognize that if a woman has bottom dysphoria, it could be triggered by seeing my body, which would make me very sad (but of course, that's when decisions have to be made). 

While I've not been physically intimate with someone, and without disclosing too much about my ex girlfriend, I can confidently say that I did not experience any negative feelings from seeing her body - just plenty of good ones (she's pre- everything so, I've seen her in "boy mode," too, and I just thought that she looked adorable with a pixie cut ).  Prior to meeting her, it hadn't actually occurred to me that I might fall in love with a non- or pre-operative trans woman (I just never thought about it for some reason...) so, I was actually a little bit surprised that I didn't experience any hesitation or anything other than what I thought I should feel - love and desire both.  That said, had we been able to pursue a physical relationship (distance was a huge issue, I think), there's still the possibility that she might have been dysphoric, in which case, I would have done anything possible to maintain the relationship with or without that sort of intimacy. 

I'm having top surgery in a few months, and I'm single and not looking now so, there's really no chance of that being an issue for me.  Honestly, I wouldn't have a problem with it before top surgery (with my ex girlfriend only) because I'm sufficiently dissociated from it - but that's just me.


I do appreciate you sharing your experiences, even if they're quite different from mine and my perspective because it does give me a greater appreciation for the potential for issues to arise in the future.  After thinking more on what I initially posted, I definitely agree that these really are two separate issues: 1) having kids, and 2) my preferences.  I think that part of why I feel them as connected is because of my continued attachment to and longing for my ex girlfriend.  I think because I fell so much in love with her so quickly, and because I could really see us having genetic kids, that the issues became intertwined in my head. 

For now, I'm just going to proceed with testosterone as I said, for less than 18 months, thereby avoiding the highest risk for infertility so that I *could* have genetic children in the future if it seems the best option then.  Otherwise, I'll look more into other options when I'm actually safely tucked away into a tenure track position, haha.  Either way, I'll definitely have kids so, the details don't really matter for now.

As far as preferences go, I think this is really hard for me to honestly evaluate when I'm only wanting to be with my ex girlfriend; obviously, since she's transgender, my attraction is heavily skewed.  Whether or not I can move beyond this  (i.e., "get over" her) is another matter entirely, but speaking as honestly as I can while operating under this bias, all other things being equal between two hypothetical partners, I'd rather be with a woman who shares some of these experiences, and who will be more able to empathize with some of the things that I feel very passionately about.  I don't have a preference for the anatomical sex, but I'm pretty certain that I do have a preference for life experiences, and I definitely have a preference for values.  Assuming that I ever love someone else, shared values, more than even experience or being transgender or cisgender, will be the deciding factor.

There's still so much that I don't understand, even about myself, and certainly about other people...