Hello Sophie Lou
What you've experienced is not that surprising. Many of us have needed to suppress so many things in our pursuit of a "normal" life. We often do this subconsciously, or even in a highly determined conscious way so that we can try fit into a conventional existence. I totally understand what you've experienced since it's close enough to my own experience. I suppressed both the transgender part and the attracted to men part for over 20 years.
I think that a good number of us try the gay route first, as it's a more socially convenient option, a kind of "halfway house" if you will. Let's face it, if you can live as a gay man instead of transitioning, it's certainly less complicated. But in my case, after divorcing from a woman, and by the time I was with boyfriend number 3, I realised that I wanted to be with a man, but I wanted very clearly to be a woman.
So yes, as we relax our self-imposed restrictions, we can begin to explore who we really are and what we really want sexually.
As for beginning your transition with very little experience with men, it by no means precludes you from having an enjoyable physical relationship with a man. I was rather pleasantly surprised when the cute brother-in-law of a close girlfriend told me what his interests were, and yes, he likes girls with, ahem, special accessories. He's a perfectly normal guy, but that's what he likes. So we enjoy seeing each other. Buuut... something that I was not expecting is that, as I've evolved and come closer to my surgery date, I'm not so interested in having my old equipment being involved in any action. It's not a show-stopper however.
So don't limit yourself. Be careful, but explore. Some guys are just good for sex; others will be good for something more. Enjoy what it's like to be a girl in transition!
Hugs
Julia
