Inheritance coming and wife keeps me in the closet, what would you do?

[Mirriel]

I'm married and in the closet. I have tried to come out and my wife who I love said that if I am transgender that we are not going to work. so I back pedaled that my coming out ws that I was just confused. We also have special needs kid together.

I recently found out from my father that I will be getting a sizable inheritance. As a result, my wife is already shopping for new houses. :|

I feel totally used, quite frankly. I can't be myself..but she can spend my fathers inheritance. I'm starting to think she is an awful person .

What should I do...seriously?

[fennec-fox]

Do you want to move to a new house as well? If so, has she been asking for your input on the houses she's been looking at? If not, have you told her you don't want to move?

[Mirriel]

let me share a bit more my wife doesn't make much $$ I'm the bread winner AND she is always pushing me to work harder, take that promotion, etc... She is always telling me how she wishes we could get that $$ house on the hill, or the one on the house remodeling shows.

So...my frustration and concern is that she is already figuring out how to spend $$ that I never expected to even ever see(it was a total surprise to me, I thought my parents were basically making due). Coupled with my parents aren't even dead yet. AND we have a home and we aren't planning on moving for a while (years).

So It is weird to me that she hates who I really am and is NOT accepting, but is excited about possible future $$$ that I may get. I feel like our marriage is about what I can provide or do for her and not about US.

yes I'm probably a very dull bulb and not seeing the writing on the wall..but I'm starting to, I think.

I mean wouldn't it have been great if she would have said to me, prior to this knowledge "I married you because I love you, and I don't care what gender you want to present"  if that would have happened think about how awesome our relationship would be, I knowing she accepts me and I can transition and she knowing, wow..that person I love unconditionally is likely to have some bank down the road....

[fennec-fox]

Perhaps you should have a heart-to-heart talk with her about how you aren't comfortable with her trying to make all the big spending decisions when you're the one bringing in the money. After all, a relationship is supposed to involve compromise, not one person repeatedly taking advantage of the other.

[ChiGirl]

To be brutally honest, it sounds like she's using you for a good life.  The good news is you control the $$ which gives you leverage.  I might contact an attorney if I were you.  Good luck and hugs!

[iKate]

Lawyer up.

[Beth Andrea]

My ex was the same..."it's the man's job to work two full time jobs before I have to work even part time!"

And it went downhill from there. For many years (10-12) I kept urging her to help me out financially, then while journaling for therapy I read what I'd written about us...and realized if a friend sent me a letter with those things in it, I would, without hesitation, advise "EJECT EJECT EJECT".

She is using you...and her statement " if I am transgender that we are not going to work" is already true...you ARE trans, and its not working.

Right now, you don't have the inheritance...so a divorce hearing *probably* won't divvy it up. But yes, consult a lawyer.

Good luck!

[Miharu Barbie]

Because you and your wife both love and share responsibility for your special needs child, you are in a very complex situation.  For this reason, you might benefit greatly by discussing this situation at length with a therapist before involving lawyers.  This situation is not at all about the money you may inherit someday; this situation is about whether you and your wife love each other enough to make a stable and loving home together for yourselves and for your child.  There is a lot at stake, and I don't mean someday after your parents have passed away.

That said, I would also mention in passing that in my state (Oregon), funds received from an inheritance and funds received as a prize (like lottery winnings) are not considered "community" funds.  That is to say that in Oregon at least inheritance funds are not legally liable to be divided between both parties in a divorce.  This means that, ultimately, (assuming that this also is true in your state) your wife can not touch or claim any amount of that inheritance unless you choose to give it to her.  And this means that you need to be able to stand up to her, to stand up for what you believe in, to stand up for yourself.  A therapist might be able to help you with that.

Just my 2 cents.
Miharu