Process vs outcome, fear, and anxiety

[Katelyn]

I had this discussion with my current therapist, talking about how fear and anxiety rule my life.  And then I talked about believing that results are ultimately what matter.  He told me about not being so invested in things like an "ideal self", to be more focused on process despite the outcome. 

I have to admit that I'm someone who fears not having control over the outcome, because I fear the worst possible scenario.  Ever since I had to deal with bullies in school, I've had at least some sort of survival mindset.  I'm not that great at adapting and surviving (otherwise I'd be a super conformist)  but I've still done significant effort in mu life, and thus it's almost unimaginable to just "let go with the flow". 

Maybe because deep down inside, I fear not being accepted in society, I fear being abandoned (by my friends and family) and on the street without food, I fear this in part because I see the current atmosphere of society nowadays that tells me that "finding a job is not easy" and "if you don't have money or an ability to make money, you will suffer severe consequences, including a ruined life" and "nobody in the outside world really cares about you, even if you have a ruined life" and "the people who win in society are the adapters, the ones who do what it takes to succeed."  It doesn't help that my own mom feels like killing herself just because she sees herself as a failure in this world because she can't meet the educational standards of this country to get a decent job (she's an immigrant.)

Thus, I have a hard time even accepting the idea of just letting go, wherever the process takes me, if it leads to me not being able to fit in society or giving me a serious disadvantage monetarily or is just plain scary because maybe I'm just too weird on the inside and become a reject?  I mean i'm trying to balance being myself, with the possible consequences, but to just fully let go is a hard thing for me to grasp.

[Ms Grace]

He told me about not being so invested in things like an "ideal self", to be more focused on process despite the outcome. 

I would have to agree, if you get too focused on the end game you lose sight of everything that is going on around you in the moment and can possibly let golden opportunities slip by. I know that our gender identity issues can rule our thinking and the outcome is an unknown and a very scary one at that - but there's only so much that you can ever hope to have any control over. Yes, you may lose things in the process but don't forget you will gain as much in return if not more. Being focused on the possible negative outcomes and trying to control the outcome will only leave you anxious and mentally exhausted. But letting go of that mindset doesn't happen easily, I know - I used to be an A-Grade worrier. I effected change in my life and mindset by slowly coming to realise that I had a lot more control than I realised, that I didn't have to scrutinise everything and most importantly that I didn't have to do everything myself.

[sam1234]

Since much of the anxiety comes from how family will accept you, your situation is a bit tricky. Perhaps your therapist can come up with a way to let your mother know without her feeling guilty about it. Since she already has some serious problems with self esteem, it would be more likely that she would also feel that she had somehow failed you which would not be true. I honestly believe you are born transgendered, and the way you are raised or your parent's way of life has nothing to do with it.

There are plenty of people out there that are not immigrants that cannot find employment at the moment. The economy is tough right now, and the days of being able to become successful and have your own businsess if you work hard is much  more difficult. The important things is, no matter what kind of job your mother gets, if she does her best at it, then she is successful.

Family has to know eventually, and people you work with, but there is no need to tell other people if you don't want to. You just blend in with the gender you identify with. I can understand your fear of winding up on the street with no support. Go one step at a time and try not to worry about everything at once. Pick something you feel is important and has to be done and work on that until you have accomplished it. You have a good support system here, and with people from all over, you can get new ideas of ways in which to tell your family and make a smotth transition.

sam1234