dating issues.

[enigmaticrorschach]

Use Shiseido so that I don't break out. 

@Echo: I grew up as the only boy in a family full of women.  Bring it. XD

tehehe, oh, i like your spunk. we have a mister bad boy on our hands 

[amber roskamp]

tehehe, oh, i like your spunk. we have a mister bad boy on our hands 

Hah and at first he sounded so sweet with all that talk about the l word and chocolate. Oh well I guess we'll have to see how much he can really handle

[Ian68]

tehehe, oh, i like your spunk. we have a mister bad boy on our hands 

A choir boy is more like it.  XD I'm that guy who gives his girl friends dating and fashion advice, and brings them chocolate when it's needed.  This is probably part of my dating issues.  Actually, @Amber, that's something to consider is whether or not you're getting "friendzoned," and then people don't know what to do from there.  I don't know if that's been much of an issue for me but I've certainly thought about it with online dating especially.

[Ian68]

Hah and at first he sounded so sweet with all that talk about the l word and chocolate. Oh well I guess we'll have to see how much he can really handle

If that's a challenge, you two might be the ones in trouble... 

[enigmaticrorschach]

someone get me a fan cuz i'm burning up here. oh your so bad mister bad person

[amber roskamp]

someone get me a fan cuz i'm burning up here. oh your so bad mister bad person

*hands echo a fan and some iced tea*

[Ian68]

  back to Amber's thread...

[amber roskamp]

A choir boy is more like it.  XD I'm that guy who gives his girl friends dating and fashion advice, and brings them chocolate when it's needed.  This is probably part of my dating issues.  Actually, @Amber, that's something to consider is whether or not you're getting "friendzoned," and then people don't know what to do from there.  I don't know if that's been much of an issue for me but I've certainly thought about it with online dating especially.

yes that is definitely a thing....

[amber roskamp]

I actually appreciated the side conversation we had going on. it helped pick up my mood :-D. Thanks

[enigmaticrorschach]

most fun i had in awhile but seriously, you have to take responsibility now ian!

[amber roskamp]

most fun i had in awhile but seriously, you have to take responsibility now ian!

I guess he didn't have that much spunk in him after all......

[enigmaticrorschach]

hmm, i wouldnt doubt his abilities just of yet. could become a force to be reckoned with.

[Ian68]

I guess he didn't have that much spunk in him after all......

I got distracted by work.  My apologies for abandoning you! *dramatic bowing*

Now, how should I decide who to share my chocolate with...?  It has espresso...

[Sammy]

Seriously, OKC just makes me roll my eyes recently . I get hits regularly and there are two types of messages - either one liners (or a couple of words) from black guys living in Africa (I wonder if they are just looking for someone who might help them to move into EU....) or those "kinda quality" messages. Last exchange was with a guy from the US (I am usually very sceptical about guys living on the other side of the world), but has been here and plans to return, but... he kept telling me stories how great OKC is and that one of his co-workers found his wife on the other side of the world and now they are happily married and that everything can happen. I kept responding that online dating can be fun but I usually do not have hopes or expectations. And then he just stopped responding and I never knew why - maybe because it did not look like I was falling for his "sweet" promises?

[amber roskamp]

Seriously, OKC just makes me roll my eyes recently . I get hits regularly and there are two types of messages - either one liners (or a couple of words) from black guys living in Africa (I wonder if they are just looking for someone who might help them to move into EU....) or those "kinda quality" messages. Last exchange was with a guy from the US (I am usually very sceptical about guys living on the other side of the world), but has been here and plans to return, but... he kept telling me stories how great OKC is and that one of his co-workers found his wife on the other side of the world and now they are happily married and that everything can happen. I kept responding that online dating can be fun but I usually do not have hopes or expectations. And then he just stopped responding and I never knew why - maybe because it did not look like I was falling for his "sweet" promises?

yea I wouldn't trust him either he sounds like a catfish or a con artists.

[allisonsteph]

My problem with OKC was when I joined I already knew 8 out of the first 10 matches it gave me; not very helpful in meeting someone new. Once I did start getting messages from people I did;t already know most of them flaked on me too.

[amber roskamp]

I think it's much easier to be flaky to strangers. I mean there is no likely negative outcome. It's why so many people are mean on the internet. Ur probably not gonna see them again.

[Ian68]

yes that is definitely a thing....

So, the "friend-zoning" issue is a complicated one to break down.  It can happen because of the other person's expectations, your interactions, or often a combination of both.  Like I said, I don't know how much or how often this has influenced my current singleness, but I suspect that it has had at least some affect.  In my case, because I grew up surrounded by women, and because I'm a very vocal feminist, I tend not to sexualize women I know until they have indicated an interest in me.  My mind is just conditioned not to go there.  It doesn't mean that I don't flirt (clearly, I will...) or that I don't experience aesthetic or intellectual attraction (I do), but there's a difference between flirtation and attraction and sexualization.  For someone like me who is hardwired to connect with as a person first and pursue secondarily, it generates a lag-time that appears to facilitate the "friend-zoning."  In your case, Amber, this could also be an artifact of you being a woman; I've heard from a number of lesbian/bi/pan women that they often get stuck in the "girlfriends" zone when they're wanting a romantic relationship just because of the process of getting to know someone resulting in feelings of mutual identification, etc.

I'm sure that you'll find someone, though so, don't give up, and don't go the "hook-up" route if it's not what you're wanting.  You deserve to have the kind of relationship it seems that you're looking for so, don't settle for less.  

Stay positive!

[amber roskamp]

So, the "friend-zoning" issue is a complicated one to break down.  It can happen because of the other person's expectations, your interactions, or often a combination of both.  Like I said, I don't know how much or how often this has influenced my current singleness, but I suspect that it has had at least some affect.  In my case, because I grew up surrounded by women, and because I'm a very vocal feminist, I tend not to sexualize women I know until they have indicated an interest in me.  My mind is just conditioned not to go there.  It doesn't mean that I don't flirt (clearly, I will...) or that I don't experience aesthetic or intellectual attraction (I do), but there's a difference between flirtation and attraction and sexualization.  For someone like me who is hardwired to connect with as a person first and pursue secondarily, it generates a lag-time that appears to facilitate the "friend-zoning."  In your case, Amber, this could also be an artifact of you being a woman; I've heard from a number of lesbian/bi/pan women that they often get stuck in the "girlfriends" zone when they're wanting a romantic relationship just because of the process of getting to know someone resulting in feelings of mutual identification, etc.

I'm sure that you'll find someone, though so, don't give up, and don't go the "hook-up" route if it's not what you're wanting.  You deserve to have the kind of relationship it seems that you're looking for so, don't settle for less.  

Stay positive!

Thanks and yes i am absolutely someone that needs to build a personal connection before I really want to date someone. and im also really shy in most cases so its hard for me to find someone unless its someone i am forced to interact with. And then i usually get friend-zoned. i was actually much less shy on online dating but im failing there as well.

[suzifrommd]

Thanks and yes i am absolutely someone that needs to build a personal connection before I really want to date someone. and im also really shy in most cases so its hard for me to find someone unless its someone i am forced to interact with. And then i usually get friend-zoned. i was actually much less shy on online dating but im failing there as well.

I avoid friend-zoning during this period of connection building by letting her know in no uncertain terms that I am interested in her "that way". I'm careful to refer to our social occasions as "dates" and to tell her how special I think she is (assuming I do think she is special).