Afraid of the future

[Mirriel]

I'm middle aged and married and I have come out to my wife and spouse as transgender. I did a confessional about my life story in the "coming out of the closet" forum off of this one, if you are interested in my story. And even in that post I didn't tell all.

so I'm middle aged, married and we have a home together. my wife is not accepting of me being a woman or coming out and I get it. yet I need her to at least have the decency to not call me a liar. to believe me, to at least acknowledge that I cry, I have feelings and I know what I am. whether she wants to believe it or not.

I read somewhere that part of transitioning is two fold. Determining what you are, and then determining what you want to do about it. I know the first answer. For the second answer, well.. I'm not sure. part of me SO..wants to do it all. another part of me says... you are middle aged, do you really need to stir all this up?

my wife doesn't want me talking to therapists. That is REALLY frustrating to me. Its like a gag order.  I think I'm some how going to do it with out her permission. sneak I suppose if I have to.

but I don't want to sneak, I don't want to hide thinks, I don't want to password protect anything... I want to be open to her. I want to be apart of her future, and If we would talk calmly and like adults with out losing our heads I would be willing to talk, divorce, or platonic relationship. I get it. she didn't marry a woman.  What I need is for her to listen to me. not lose her head and just empathize, acknowledge, and talk through this.

I wish she would read this...

[Jill F]

Hi Mirriel,

You sound a lot like me.   I've been married almost 21 years and started transitioning a bit over 2 years ago at the age of 43.   Coming out to myself was hard, coming out to my wife was harder, but I did both on the same day.  You are awesome for not doing things behind her back.  I never did anything in secret, and never even presented myself as female in private until I was 43.

I didn't want to be trans one bit, and fear of the unknown got the best of me.  I tried to literally drink myself to death twice inside of a month, and woke up in the hospital both times.  The doctor who stitched up my head the second time was actually very familiar with transgender patients and begged me to get a proper gender therapist before it was too late.  At this point my wife agreed, as she was very afraid that the next time I would not survive.

Please work out what to do in order to manage your dysphoria with a therapist ASAP.  I don't know why your wife would be dead set against you trying to find happiness and peace nor why she thinks she gets to dictate that you never will.   BTW, my wife loves the "new me".  Gone is the miserable, depressed drunk,  this is the real me.  I'm happy, charming, silly and fun to be around.  I fart rainbows and pixie dust and have a positive attitude for the first time.  And yes, you can transition in middle age.  I will be 46 on Saturday, and I seem to be presumed cis female everywhere I go now.   It took a lot of work, but i did it.  Finally.

Believe in yourself.  Take baby steps and give your wife the space she needs.  The T-bomb takes time to process.

Hugs,
Jill

[suzifrommd]

Mirriel, love takes many forms, but I can't see how refusing to let your sweetie pie access mental health services falls into any of them.

Anyone who tells ME I can't talk to a therapist does not have my best interest at heart.

Could you stand up for yourself and insist you get the care you need?

[ChiGirl]

Mirriel, it's okay if you don't know what you want yet, but you deserve to be happy.  Don't think of it as stirring everything up.  It's about finding yourself and your happiness.  But it's not an easy road.

I can sympathize with your situation.  My wife has been more accepting, but she has placed a number of restrictions on me.  Plus, she wants full access to my therapist. 

A therapist is very important at this stage.  Perhaps, you can find  gender specialist (or at least a therapist who understands ->-bleeped-<-) who will meet with both of you to start with.  That might help her.  But at the very least, you need to tell her you need to talk to a therapist.  Maybe couch it in the idea that a therapist will help you sort all this out.

Good luck and hugs.  We know this isn't easy, but you deserve happiness.  And remember that you are never alone.

[katrinaw]

Hi Mirriel, give her some time (by the way I posted in your other topic too...)

Its very hard for a wife to hear that you are not who you were when you married, its mixed feelings inside her and also what others will think and say behind her back... very tough!

What you have done is be honest... she needs much time to assimilate what you have told her, different than the response form your sister, different emotional ties.

Whatever happens you are amongst friends here that can support you and have mostly been through what you are currently going through, but when she's ready she may come with you to a therapist...

I think you need to be strong and committed to yourself as there is no turning back now.

Praying for you... hugs

L Katy 

[JoanneB]

I wrestle with many of those same questions for many of the same reasons about every day. My wife is FAR from thrilled about me dropping the T-Bomb on her a good 5 years ago. And she knew I had had gender issues for the 30 years before that. I was fortunate in a sense, I was able to sneak, but not really (in my mind, a little). I was working out of state at the time. I contacted a support group for help. Any crumb at all. I was desperate.

By my third meeting I knew it was almost too late to tell her what was up. Her view was it was better then finding me swinging on the end of a rope from a rafter in garage.

Two things have allowed us to stay together so far in spite of all the overwhelming odds against it. First is our love for eachother. Neither wants to see the other hurt or in pain... no matter what. The other is the often far too difficult (at first) totally honest and open conversations. Keeping in mind #1, when some raw emotion may not be so elegantly expressed. (As in you felt like you kicked in the balls, or punched in the tit)

When faced with very difficult decisions my guiding principle is "Which Pain is Worse?". Five years ago with a rocky long distance marriage, loosing my wife, soul mate, BFF, and reality therapist would send me head on into a Jersey divider at 90 MPH if I wasn't totally honest. (Her hot button issue). Today the pain is between between (maybe) living a 100% genuine life, or a 95% one. With some days feeling like the wrong choice will result in the same result as before.

We've spent a lifetime just TRYING to get a handle on being trans. No way an SO can really come completely to terms with it. Plus all the raw emotions of betrayal, being lied to, being fooled, totally and unilaterally redefining the relationship.... Oh it sucks big time for an SO. Only my wife seeing all the positive changes in me which came as a result of taking on the trans-beast is she still around. I still hear I did not marry a woman. Now hearing "I can't think of you as a husband". I also hear I cannot imagine anyone else I can live with, or Anyone who can care about me and understand me as you do, and more.

Only you can decide which pain is worse for you