Can you help me?

[Muppet4-H]

I'm having some gender identity struggles and need to be able to talk to someone.  As I don't know anyone who is trans, I'm hoping this forum will be able to help me.

I'm 22 years old, born male and have recently started having VERY serious thoughts about becoming a girl.  I've had incredibly vague dreams of it for probably the last 10ish years, but nothing anywhere near remotely serious.

I realized recently that I'm incredibly attracted to girls and specifically how they look.  When I look at a girl in a beautiful dress, I see her as beautiful and I wish that I could be that beautiful, especially wearing the dress.  I want to look like a girl and be pretty.  I hadn't realized it until recently, but I'm jealous of girls with long hair and the ability to make themselves look beautiful.

I'm concerned by a couple things that I'm reading about online and would appreciate if you would be willing to talk with me about them.:

First, the internet implies that anyone interested in changing their gender should feel incredible shame about their current body.  I don't know if that's really the case with me.  I certainly have a lot about my body that I dislike, but I don't know that I'm shamed by it.  For example, I haven't worn a tank top since I discovered hair under my hairs because I think that's gross.  I've also shaved off all of my chest hair, as well as greatly thinned pubic hair because that makes me feel better.  I am never without a shirt, even in the privacy of my home or at the pool because I don't feel comfortable without a shirt on.  I certainly don't like the way my body looks, but I don't know that I'm "shamed" by it.  I also hate having hair on my face and shave it daily to make sure that it is as minimal as possible.  I hate the act of shaving my face though.  It's a very vicious cycle.

Another thing that has shown up online that concerns me about the way I'm feeling is that anyone who posts online says that they knew from an incredibly young age (as young even as 5).  I said earlier that I've been having very vague thoughts since I hit puberty, but I'm really just now starting to think about this seriously.  That being said, if I think back I can see some signs, but I don't know if I'm just imagining them.  In elementary school, I had no male friends.  All of my friends were girls.  When we got to middle school, the girls all started to develop and realize that I wasn't like them and I kind of got left on the side.  I found some male friends at this point, but I was still always on the outskirts.  My very best friend though remained a girl all through high school.  In college, I again became friends with almost entirely girls, and I'm still on the outside of any social group.  As a kid, I liked wearing my mom's high heels.  There was something that was fun about that.  Additionally, I didn't like to go out and run around or play sports.  I would much rather stay inside and play with stuffed animals and creative imagination games.

I am 5'6" and weigh about 150 pounds.  The only really thing that keeps me from conforming to a standard female shape is a little bit of extra weight around my midsection.  I expect that to go away after graduating college and having a better diet due to not eating cafeteria food.  As it is, I fit women's size "Medium" quite well.  Even my facial features are quite feminine.  I really lack an adam's apple, I have high cheekbones and incredibly long eyelashes.  The only thing that really would stand out about me is that my chin is a little too large for a female's.

I recently acquired a pair of leggings, and learned to tuck myself before trying them on.  This is the first time I have ever worn any female clothing.  I loved the way I looked and felt wearing them.  I was particularly happy that my butt looked cute in them, and I thought I did a really good job of hiding everything in front so that I looked very feminine.  It was an awesome experience.  I have no desire to be a man wearing women's clothing though.  I feel that if I want to do anything about my feelings, I need to either be all or nothing.  I don't want to just crossdress.  I want to actually look like a girl.  I want to have boobs, be beautiful, and pass.

I recently told my girlfriend about these feelings and she reacted very supportively.  I showed her the leggings and she said she was jealous of me because I looked better than she did.  I know I would have support from her, although at the same time she did make it clear that my pursuing this would be the end of our ROMANTIC involvement with each other.  When we lay in bed together, I assume the female role, draping myself over her instead of the opposite way around.

I have not talked with any members of my family about this.  I know that they would love me no matter what, I'm just not sure EXACTLY how accepting and supportive they would be.

Other random things that make me think about my gender identity: "Gender Tests" online show me as female, when releasing tension, I love Transgender erotica, especially anything written that describes a male being turned into a female.  I often imagine myself as experiencing this, and in fact, this is the most fulfilling thing for me.  I've had sex with my girlfriend, but didn't overly like it, and actually frequently found myself imagining the scenario I just described during our act.  I have never in my life stood to go to the bathroom.  The name Amber really resonates with me.

I know I've written a very long, very personal letter and I apologize for taking up your time as well as for anything which might have been inappropriate.  As I said at the beginning, I didn't know who else to turn to.  I know I didn't ask any specific questions, but could you give me some general thoughts on what I've said?  Some general thoughts on your experience with transitioning?  Any advice on what I should do at this point? Or anyone that I could talk to?


Thank you very much for anything,

[Mariah]

Hi Muppet4-H, Welcome to Susan's. Your among friends now. I know that this can be scary and you can feel isolated as a result of not knowing anyone near you who is transgendered too. Many don't know tell they are much older so don't feel alone there because it's more common than you would think for someone to not know and then something clicks and they realize something is very wrong in regards to their gender and how they feel and see it. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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[suzifrommd]

First, the internet implies that anyone interested in changing their gender should feel incredible shame about their current body.  I don't know if that's really the case with me.

Internet is dead wrong. Some of us are ashamed of our bodies. Others are not. I never had a problem with my body, other than that I'd have prefered it to be a different shape.

Another thing that has shown up online that concerns me about the way I'm feeling is that anyone who posts online says that they knew from an incredibly young age (as young even as 5). 

A whole lot of people didn't know until middle age. I was 50 before I started thinking I needed to transition.

I know I didn't ask any specific questions, but could you give me some general thoughts on what I've said?  Some general thoughts on your experience with transitioning?  Any advice on what I should do at this point? Or anyone that I could talk to?

There are a lot of misconceptions. The fact is that our experiences vary widely, and everything you say are things that many other people on this forum have said.

I started transitioning about three years ago. I never thought I'd pass as a woman, or that I'd be able to fit in that role. I've now been living happily as a woman full-time for almost two years and I'm loving it. It's the way I was meant to live.

Some people find therapy helpful. Other people are so certain of what they need to do that they forgo counseling until the need a letter for medical treatment.

It's a long road, yes, but it was well worth it being able to live the way I was intended. Please keep posting. You'll learn a lot here about transitioning.

Good luck. Enjoy the ride!

[Julia-Madrid]

Hello Muppet

Welcome to the forum.   The transgender experience varies a huge amount, and what you will find is that there are no hard-and-fast rules.

While many trans people are terribly ashamed or negative about their birth gender bodies, this is absolutely not the case for all of us.  It's very common, and a complex point to discuss.  However, a large number of us tolerated our bodies despite knowing that they were the wrong ones for the gender in our head.  And this may apply both to genitals and the rest of the body.

Next, while it's certainly the case that many transgender people express this sense of the wrong gender from a very young age, a large number of us do not.  We might suspect that something is a little odd - wanting to dress in the other gender's clothes or preferring the company of the other gender while young - it's also not a rule.  There are people here who have had to deal with an ill-defined gender splinter in their mind for decades before finally coming to the realisation that the reason for feeling strange, out of place, and so on has gender at its root.

Many stories here have these elements of commonality.  But there is an enormous diversity, and on this site you will find trans women who rebuild cars, as well as trans women who sew dresses. 

There are almost no absolute rules - sexual preference may remain the same, become fluid or flip.

In terms of mental health and mental honesty, the key thing for anyone having doubts about their gender is to seek assistance from a psychologist.  Not because we're mentally ill, but because it's enormously hard to peel away layers of suppressed identity without some guidance.  A good psychologist is like a sherpa - they know the terrain well enough to guide you to a goal, but it's you who must make the effort to walk the terrain.

Another key thing is to be open to exploring onesself.  This is often very difficult, as it exposes our deepest and most intimate identity to examination.  But it's a journey well worth taking. 

Your current physical characteristics would certainly help you a great amount, although they're far from being a prerequisite.  What is vital is to be willing to explore, grow, change, be brave enough to take some calculated risks, and do all of this because you want to understand who you really are.

I hope some of this helps.
Regards
Julia

[marsh monster]

One thing you should know is that other people's narratives and experiences don't define what it means to be transgender for you. You don't have to fit the "mold."  Everyone has varying degrees of dysphoria and body issues. Not every trans person hates the same thing about their bodies as other trans people.  Also, not everyone knows from a  young age. 

What matters is what you feel, what you want and whether you think its what you need to be happy.  Many times, someone who is not sure can benefit from seeing a therapist that deals with gender identity issues. It can help you figure yourself out and come to terms with whatever it is you need to do to be happy with your life. Whether it would mean full transition or just doing stuff part-time is something you have to determine.

If you want to, continue reading other people's experiences and stories, but just don't think you have to feel like they do in order to be trans.  There is no one way to be trans, just always remember that.

[Jenna Marie]

I didn't know until I was 37, I was not desperate or depressed, and I didn't hate my body.  As Suzi says, a lot of this is myth - it's a case of claiming that common experiences are *universal,* and you can't be "really trans" unless you share them. Like you, I spent a lot of time agonizing that maybe I was making all this up b/c I didn't match the standard narrative.

I started down the transition path because I wanted to see if it made me happier, and I took each step wondering if I'd like it. (Spoiler : I always did, and I ended up having GRS, so I guess I really am trans!) Nobody here can tell you who you are, but you can always experiment with small steps and see how you feel, and go from there. Maybe you'll find out, like me, that you end up always wanting more until you've fully transitioned. Maybe you'll realize you don't want ANY of it and are happy as a guy.  Maybe it'll be any of the infinite variations in between. All of it is valid, and you're entitled to seek your happiness no matter how it turns out.

[iKate]

Hi Muppet,

First of all, a warm welcome!

Second of all, don't believe everything you read on the Internet.

I wasn't really ashamed of my body really, I just didn't like it and didn't take care of it much. I felt as though I had nothing really to look forward to with it. I did try working out and stuff but gave up because I figured why even bother.

But there are people who like to push things like you have to be XYZ, and you're not really transgender, you may be just experiencing  ->-bleeped-<- (which is probably not even a real thing) etc etc. You don't have to listen to them. You need to do what makes YOU and YOU alone comfortable with yourself.

While some people do experience cross gender feelings from a young age, many do not. I had my first feelings around 4 years old but I know others who really didn't until later in life.

I also get what you mean about having female friends and envy of them and their femininity. I have had that with me for a very long time and for a long time I have only really had women as friends as I felt more comfortable with them.

Your first step should be a good gender therapist, who can help you explore your feelings and if you wish to transition help you navigate your path.

I started at 36 because I fought it away for a long time. In the end it won. I stand to lose a lot but I don't care. I want to be me and that is all that matters.