How long did it take before you could talk to your coming out partner?

[meganmichelle]

I've come out to my wife and then we put it to rest so to speak. I'm wondering how long did it take before you were able to actually, talk to them about what they had told you?

I know my spouse is dealing with it. She has nightmares, is moody, and gets super angry at any sign of me showing my inner self.  I believe at some point she will be ready to have real talks with me about this.

wondering if any spouses here who had a partner come out, can share how long it took before you were ready to face the situation and have honest, heart felt discussions about the future.

[saharo]

My gf finds it really hard and sometimes im terrified of losing her. But she did never love anyone as much as me and so do i love her.... Pfffff

[1xxMiaxx1]

My husband didn't tell me until 9 months into our marriage which was 3 weeks ago. We talk about it immediately and everyday since then. He didn't give me the choice if I wanted to deal with this big important part of him but I married him so now I have to find a way for it to work for both of us. I said until death do us part. I'm 51 and this is my first marriage.

[Anastazja]

We had a big conversation about it and then the topic did indeed rest for a little while, however we did have sporadic discussions about it as thoughts on the subject arose.  Lately the discussions have been happening with more and more regularity and they get easier each time. 

Your mileage may vary; it is worth noting that I am in a very supportive relationship and the news about my transgender identity was generally well-recieved.  My SO has committed to the moment and we have used this as a way to become more intimate.  I really hope that your wife can find her way to supporting you, sending good vibes your way. 

-Ana

[Jenna Marie]

It took me a couple of days to be brave enough to bring it up (and sure enough that this realization wasn't going away). Since then, we talked about it practically nonstop for the entire year of transition. I think it's normal for her to want some processing time, though. Don't forget that you may have known about this for years (I didn't, but it sounds like you have) and she's only had a little while to come to terms with the general idea, much less what it means for the two of you. It's unfair to push her before she's ready, but more importantly, you may not like how she reacts if she's not finished working through everything.

[Emily R]

Early on, my gender therapist suggested that she should talk to my wife, and it was the best thing that could have happened!.

My wife went by herself for 2 one hour sessions and after a few weeks she mentioned that she cried a lot on the sessions but that my therapist helped her understand what was going on and of my commitment and love for her, but also that she should understand of my desires to become the person I should have always been.  We have gone as a couple twice and it has help us both even if we both feel constrained because of the possibility of saying something that may hurt the other person.

My wife has agreed to spent the rest of our life together and a significant part of that decision we owe it to my wife's therapy sessions and of course the love and respect for each other.

This may not be for every couple, but it has worked for us, as she understands much better my dysphoria and all of my issues, and helps me cope with all she can.

Emily

[JoanneB]

I dropped the T-Bomb on my wife on a Saturday. We talked some that day. Sunday some more, more like a debrief, an hour or so. Then I drove south for work. The elephant in the room factor was always there during our talks on the phone. It came up sometimes, mostly no. Like once or twice a week with our calls being daily and lasting an hour or two or three on average. Come to think of it, for those years I was working out of state, we talked more about it on the phone than in person.

[teddybear_zach]

My wife was great about it. it was actually difficult for her when I lived as a lesbian. She was bisexual. Now she's feeling so much better about being with me because she saw me as a man before I was able to come out as being trans*.

[Lorlor]

It took me a couple months (once I fully realized myself) to talk to my partner about being trans. It was kind of hard for me to hide because we live together. He's been super supportive. And it's nice to have my partner on my side. I was terrified. I did kind of ease him into it. And to be honest I was already leaning super hard towards the masculine side in clothing, hairstyles, etc.

[Jessica_W]

Two weeks ago I discovered that I'm trans* and three days ago I told my fiancé that I am. Life has been hell for the both of us. She is afraid of losing her "man" and I'm afraid of losing our relationship/our little happy world. The pain inside is incredible and I wish I never discovered this about myself. She's waiting for me to say/do the transition and then she will most likely break up. She said she's glad I told her now instead of after the marriage. I tried holding the secret in, for the sake of everything, but I think we all have to bite the bullet and be honest with everyone, including ourselves. :-/

[SneakyRaccoon]

My boyfriend and I met online, and after a month of communicating via lengthy messages he came out to me. He said in his message he was unsure whether to disclose he is transgender on the first date or not, because he "couldn't face the rejection in person". We've been dating strong for 1/2 a year now, with all cards on the table if you will about both of us. 

[CrysC]

I have wanted to be female since I was 6 years old but kept walling it up, mostly.  Soo... never told my wife until after we were together 23 years and my transition became a lot more active since then.  Still together but it's hard.  Last night she gave me a hug and simply said, "We're gonna make it." 

Good luck Megan.  If I were to advise I would say find creative ways to make this a more positive thing.  Mutual interests is working for us.  Girly things we both enjoy that we could not before.  We are best friends among other things and that helps a lot.

[LesleyAnne]

Well, I can tell you what she would tell you if she ever decides to actually start talking with other SO's (I really wish she would, and my VA Psychologist who meets with both of us) urges her too as well. My spouse is not ready she tells me!
I do have a somewhat unique situation however and that is that we have been married for 44 years and she didn't ever suspect right up to when I came out to her in April of last year.
So that was over a year ago, and I can tell you from my experience my wife has gone through all the emotions as if there were a death of a close family member. Anger was, and still is one of those emotions. She has felt lied to for our entire marriage, and has felt betrayed. I honestly feel having an affair would have been easier news. I had to explain that I myself have been in denial for all those years, so I was lying to myself as well. Didn't matter.....our marriage suddenly became a sham to her, and we are still trying to recover.
I can tell you that everything is fine as long as she doesn't see me in make-up, a dress, or paint my toenails. But when she does it becomes a rough day, and I can assure you it will become the topic of the rest of the day.
So it's what I call the proverbial roller coaster ride. When we talk about it, it usually doesn't end well.
My wife knows that I am in transition, have been on hormones for over a year, and I am continuing this journey. So what she has relayed to me is that she doesn't know how far she can go with me in my transition, and that she at least understands my Dysphoria, and why I need to go forward.
For myself and I know a lot of others out there we can only hope that our spouses can continue with us, and cultivate new relationship where there was love to begin with.......

My hope for you is that you find peace, and understanding in your own journey.

[Sam Alexei]

I told my husband when we were engaged, about 3 months or so before we were to be married.
He knew that I had come out in the past to my family and had a very bad reaction, but didn't realize that I still identified as male. He suspected, though, so he actually flat out ASKED me... and I told him.

He went through his own kind of acceptance process. He's bisexual, but it was still difficult for him because he worries about how society views him when dating a (passing) male partner. We discussed what transition would entail and he made the choice to marry me anyway, and that I would transition after we married, for family reasons.

I'm really glad that we talked before we got married, or this would have been even harder for him.

My advice (like the others) would just be to focus on communication!!