I just wrote this letter but I can never send it so, I thought it might make me feel less broken if I released it into the aether of the internet... meh... Names have been abbreviated to protect the innocent. :-P
My darling M,
You will never read these words, nor feel what I so desperately wish to convey in them. Yet I must write them all the same. I miss you. I miss you every single day, especially when it rains. I miss your humor, and your intellect, and your gentleness. I miss telling you 'good morning,' and you telling me 'goodnight.' I miss worrying about your health when all you were eating were "$#itty noodles." I miss everything about you so much that it feels as if a part if my own body has been severed. You changed me for the better, and I am eternally grateful to you despite the cost of losing part of myself when you left - a part I know that I can never get back. I don't want it back, I only wish you had kept all of me.
You were the girl I'd been dreaming of since I was twelve years old, and the one I never imagined could be real, but you were! You are very real, and when faced with the reality I had prayed for for fourteen years, I failed you. Perhaps the sorrow I feel now is some karmic punishment for my failing you. I couldn't see your growing unhappiness; I couldn't hear your fears through my selfish optimism. I couldn't protect you from the harshness of others or the quiet disdain you found in yourself. I couldn't make you see your worth or your beauty no matter how much I wanted to do that for you. You are your own person so, I couldn't change your reality. I am infinitely sorry that I failed you, as a boyfriend and as a friend, so terribly that you felt that you had to run from me. I never meant to hurt you, and if I did, I would do almost anything to change that.
I only ever wanted for you to be happy, and healthy, and free, and to be with me. I wanted to change the world for you - to reshape it so that you could finally see even a fragment of what I saw, and still see, in you. Not knowing if I can or not, I am compelled by the memory of you to try.
I can't seem to stop crying as I'm writing this; it's been nearly a year now but the loss of you still haunts me. I find myself suspecting that you were indeed the girl I'd dreamed of for fourteen years, and thus that you quite likely are my first, last, and only love. That I have lost you seems impossible to me. It feels like you're on a trip, or gone to school, or otherwise M.I.A. but destined to return to me.
I only ever wanted for you to be happy and to be with me. But I have failed you, and you can no longer hear me. You cannot hear me say that I will always, always love you.
