Let me preface this with a tw for abuse and transphobia.
I should say before I get into this that I'm pretty sure that coming out to my dad just isn't a possibility right now, but I was wondering if you all might have thoughts to offer on the situation.
I am out full time (on Facebook, my Tumblr, and at my university) and have been for about 3 months now. I've been on HRT for about 2 and a half weeks. I still haven't come out to my dad and am frankly terrified of doing so. My dad has no idea that I've ever had a feminine thought cross my mind. The closest we've ever really gotten to a discussion was when I "accidentally" left out a book about transsexuals back in January and he picked it up and read it. He brought it up later, saying, "Oh, so I noticed that book on your nightstand. Is that what you're reading now?" I replied, "Yes," and he said, "So that's how they're desensitizing you to it now, huh? This is how they make it seem normal? You realize these people are @#$%&* up in the head, right? I mean, have you ever felt like your mind is in conflict with your body? That is what this is about... so... have you?" I replied, "Maybe..." He cut me off and said, "Maybe?! So that means you've thought about it then?" And I said, "Well, I mean... (trying not to blow my cover) ...it's really good to consider other perspectives, you know, I just thought-" And at this point he wheeled the car to pull it over and slammed the brakes, turned to face me, and said, "I hope you know if you ever bring that $#@& into this house - it will get beaten out of you. It will."
And that... that was pretty much the end of our discussion. I actually haven't seen him in person since then, save for one short visit in February. We were supposed to go out as a family for my birthday (March 12th), but on that day, as we were texting back and forth, and he asked me, "When should I pick you up?" I literally ran over to the toilet and felt really sick and started dry heaving. At that time, the last sort of masculine-style clothes I had left were in a little pile in my room for whenever I had to see him, because if he ever saw me in the clothes I actually like to wear...well...yeah...
So I ended up feeling as sick as when I caught the stomach flu and didn't text him back at all that day. Since then he has continually tried to text me but I just keep ignoring the texts.
I'm just honestly so sick of being called by my birth name and being misgendered and having to act a certain way and even talk a certain way (the last time I went over there I had to get lozenges for my throat after because talking so deep hurt my vocal cords); I just... I just can't keep it up. And I refuse to impart that emotional damage onto myself. Sort of like, you don't realize how much you were suppressing and hiding once you stop? Yeah. That. And I don't want to go back to that. Ever. It is just too much. Not embracing my trans identity was such a huge source of my depression for so long.
So that's just some background (and I guess because I also needed to vent, sorry guys-).
Again, I don't think it's really safe to come out to him because of that threat of violence...but then again, I'm not really financially dependent upon him. I also just don't know how much longer I can keep up this game of flat out ignoring him before he comes looking for me. He literally has NO IDEA about my trans identity, so I'm pretty sure that right now he just thinks his "son" is avoiding him for whatever reason.
Wowza. That was a lot. So, um...thoughts, suggestions? Hugs?
Mod edit for language.
