So, yesterday, I hit the wall.

[Maddy_Aya_W.]

Yesterday morning I woke up feeling really depressed, as the day drug on it got worse. It got so bad, that at one point, I spent an hour on the floor tucked in the fetal position. It was all I could really do, And the stem of it, came from me living as male and female. I can't do it anymore, but I'm unclear as to which path to take now. I can either climb the wall, and see What's on the otherside; or I can walk up and down outside of the wall, and hope I made the right choice. Since I have no idea which choice is better for me, I contacted a psychologist in my area. Only problem is, she's out of the office, and I can't make an appointment until Wednesday. In the mean time, I was wondering if anyone had any stories about hitting their wall, or words of encouragement to help me feel less sad, and less scared. I know Transitioning may be the way I have to go, but I feel anxious about it. I feel like it will add another layer of stress to an already fragile structure. I don't know... I'm just really scared, really anxious, and Meditation isn't doing anything for me at this point. So, yeah. Any way any of you can possibly console me would be greatly appreciated. Thank you in advance.

[Jill F]

Hi Maddy,

I could have written exactly what you just wrote back in November/December, 2012.  I was just pre-HRT, depressed and desperately trying to hang on by a thread.  I knew I needed to see a therapist soon and that I was most definitely transgender.  I did not know then whether a full medical or social transition was for me, mostly due to a fear of the unknown, but I was wearing my wife's clothes and shoes a lot and trying not to drink myself into oblivion yet again.

I was spending hours a day in a fetal position with my teddy bears and crying a lot.  I remember waking up one night, crying my eyes out and screamed out loud, "I don't want to be a man!"  My wife agreed that it was time past due to see a therapist who knew a lot about transgender issues.  This was the best call I ever made.  My therapist basically explained that I seemed to have a pretty severe case of gender dysphoria (as well as major depression, ADD and anxiety issues), my brain was mostly female and that it was starving for estrogen.  I was reluctant to take it because I was afraid of all the things a transition entailed.  I did try out a low dose of estrogen, and things got significantly better psychologically pretty much right away.  I was able to get my mind clear enough to sort things out, discovered that I was best off presenting myself authentically as a woman 24/7 and formulated a strategy to get myself there and be truly happy for the first time.  Eventually I was able to get off antidepressants and antianxiety meds and get my drinking under control.  I have been happily full time for over 2 years now and every aspect of my life has improved.

Please, hang in there and make that appointment.   If this therapist doesn't make the right noises, please keep looking.  Sometimes it takes a few tries before you find someone with whom you click.

Hugs,
Jill

[Maddy_Aya_W.]

Thank you Jill, it makes me feel a little better knowing I'm not the only one who experienced something like this. I'm definitely going to make that appointment. I see no future in my current path, so I'm not passing up a chance to try and get some concrete answers. I did research, and found a Dr with experience dealing in gender issues, but I will pay attention to the noises she makes. I don't.want to make the wrong choice based on poor guidance.

[sparrow]

Hey Maddy,

I've definitely hit a few walls.  Last time was one of the worst days of my life, only a few weeks ago... I didn't cry that much when my dad died (him being my favoritest person in the whole world).  For me, that happened as a release from a month-long period of denial (the clinical kind where I truly believed the "issue" was gone and I'm like "hey where'd it go?").  All the dysphoria just came crashing back, and I just wanted to tear my skin off.  I got lucky.  That night, I found out that a really good friend of mine started transitioning the opposite direction a few months back, and we spent like an hour on the phone.  Then my wife got home, and sobbing my face off really drove home to her how serious of an issue it was.  A few days later, I had a wild night on the town with my friend... best therapy ever! (that's a lie, my time with my therapist is way productive)

Also... once you get hooked up with a therapist, everything is better.  Whenever it all feels like it's too much... I only need to hold it together until I see my therapist.  Forget next year, I see her in two days!

[Rachel]

Hi Sparrow,

I have periods I do not think I will get through. I have a therapist and she is helping me see that I need (and have been) expanding on being myself, expanding my exposure in the community and making plans to help me keep grounded and get out of trouble.

I make small changes and it helps me to proceed with measured apprehension. It does not have to be all or nothing.

[Maddy_Aya_W.]

Thank you, Sparrow. Denial wasn't a factor for me this time,  but I can relate to such an incident. I think being around people who are willing to accept me as female may have had a hand in it. I've never been in a situation were I was accepted for who am. All previous experiences I've had with coming out to people have ended negatively, or with the people I've told just avoiding me all together. Excluding two extremely close friends. Still, your situation was similar, just a different catalyst, and I appreciate you taking time to help.

[Jill F]

I found that plugging my guitars in was a wonderful distraction when the dysphoria was getting really bad.  Sometimes I'd put on music that I love and just play along. 

[Maddy_Aya_W.]

I totally agree with you, Jill. Music is one of the only things I can always count on to be there. I really love to play along with music. I feel like it's the best way to practice solo, also.

[JoanneB]

I've had quite a few WTF am I doing meltdowns early on in the process. Just what choices to make, what steps to take. Trying to evaluate or balance the cost/benefit ratios. Of course there is also the possible total explosion of everything in your life by doing something... something for yourself.

During them all I had to constantly remind myself "I know what does not work". I spent 40 years trying things one way, living a life I was told directly or indirectly I needed to. Not much of that worked out for me

Once I started taking on the trans-beast, baby step by baby step, things got better. Scarier for sure. Always wanting to know and control the future. But as my wife and reality therapist often says to me "Who made you God?". My other therapist says almost the same thing. No way can I know the future, much less control it. I need to live in the present. Fortunately I am not one to live in the past, only the occassional revisiting it for a reexamination.

Taking any steps, especially the first ones are the hardest. Whenever I have a problem knowing what to do I ask myself "Which pain is worse?". The answers I need usually come quickly. Maybe not the ones I want to hear, but....

[Maddy_Aya_W.]

I can relate to living the life I thought was expected of me. Lying to myself, just have everything crashing back in on me. I've only been living that life for about 20 years, but I know it will not work, and to think it would time and time again was the text book definition of insanity. I can't think of a time when I've ever felt truly whole, and I'm ready to try some thing new. I just have to do it one day at a time. I know I can't control the future, or even have %100 certainty for what it holds. I can however, take steps to try and have a happier one. Thank you, Joanne. I appreciate your help.

[Metanoia]

Reading this thread is really helpful, and what I've been needing. Thank you. I'm just starting out on this road, so reading stories like yours, Maddy and Jill... Resonates with me. Same with the guitar playing - definitely. The right song can have so much power sometimes. Especially with a pretty guitar

[Maddy_Aya_W.]

I'm glad this thread helped you, Metanoia. We're in this together, most other people don't understand. We can't blame them, though. How could they understand? I don't wish suffering on anybody, but I wish I could make the nay-sayers know what it's like to feel as I do sometimes. Maybe, they'd change their tune. If that was your way of saying my guitar is pretty, I sincerely thank you. She was my dad's,

[Jill F]

I think we all need pretty guitars.  Very therapeutic to play something that makes you happy on many levels.  I also like to match my nails to the color of a few of my guitars.

[Maddy_Aya_W.]

I also like to match my nails to the color of a few of my guitars.

This, so much this. One day, hopefully soon, I will do just that.