My husband just told me?

[1xxMiaxx1]

My husband and I have been together 2 yrs 9 mo. We have been married 9 mo. He just told me two weeks ago that he identifies as a woman, that he has been with a lot of men.  He doesn't think he is guy because he just does what girls do with men. He hasn't been with anybody else since we have been together.

He cross dresses but hasn't since I've been here. He told his whole family he was going to transition(that was 12 years ago) but he never lived as a woman full time. He lives as a man with me. Now he says he is going to stay male but wishes he was a woman. There were signs, one little rumor he was into woman clothes but I shrugged it off. It's so much more than clothes. I know enough to know the woman he is can't be ignored. I'm scared I'm going to lose him. We have a close physical relationship. and I love him with all my heart. Dose anyone live this way and will it work? There will be no infidelity tolerated.

[toniwest]

Just talk to each other and take it one day at a time. I have been seeing a therapist and it helps make sense of everything. I wish you the best of luck. It's hard but not impossible.

[Jill F]

Hi 1xxMiaxx1,

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There is no reason that your marriage has to be in jeopardy if you both truly love each other.   I have been married to my wife for over 20 years, and we have never once been unfaithful.  The best thing about me transitioning was that my wife finally got to be with "the real me", instead of the miserable, depressed facsimilie of a guy that she saw something in once upon a time.  The thing is that I've known deep down I was female since I was a kid, but I never said it out loud until I was 43 and ready to check out.  Keeping it bottled up takes its toll, and it sounds like your SO (and perhaps you as well) could stand to talk with a qualified gender therapist ASAP about it and your options.

Hugs,
~Jill

[Susan]

Transition is about gender identity, not having sex. It takes some people quite a while to get their heads wrapped around that concept. Think of it this way, Your significant other is doing this because the person (s)he is inside, conflicts with the person they are on the outside; not because they want to go out and have sex with another man.

Imagine for a moment that you know your body was wrong, your brain was telling you that should have 6 limbs but you only have 4. Everyone tells you that's just how it is supposed to be, but you know that isn't right. That's similar to what a transsexual feels. 

Your significant other has a penis and looks like a man, all the while their heart, brain, and soul are screaming that this isn't right; day in and day out, probably since early childhood when their body awareness first developed. That is Gender Dysphoria.

If we are religious we pray for god to fix this cruel joke, to make us right, "Let me wake up a woman." I personally cannot tell you how many times I have made that prayer. We are ashamed to be something less than a man. We try to hide it, fit  into society's mold. Many Male-to-Female transsexuals take on hyper-masculine jobs and identities in the quest to deny themselves. To try to man up, like our dads tell us so often as kids.  We wear masks that we often don't even admit even to our own selves.

We are drawn to the feminine. We buy, borrow, and steal women's clothing to gain for even a minute a relief from the feelings we keep locked deep inside. We frequently purge our self of anything feminine out of the guilt that we are not being what our families expect, and society have told us we should be, and how we should act. The funny thing is that need to purge goes away when you start to accept yourself for who you really are. You begin to lose the turmoil that denying your self brings when you start being honest with yourself, and the ones you love.

I think that it is because we are following the path that we were intended to all along.

Therapy can help both you and your significant other find the right path through it.

I would I could reassure you, but it tends to get worse with time.

[kittenpower]

There are a lot of marriages that survive a spouses transition, so yes there is hope, but I agree that infidelity is a deal breaker. Best wishes...

[blueconstancy]

The most recent, gold standard study of trans people shows that about half of all relationships do survive transition (and some of those that don't, it was for reasons unrelated to transition). I know quite a few happily ever after stories, and I'm living one.    My wife transitioned almost six years ago now, and we're happier now than ever. However, I won't sugarcoat things - it was a rough year while she was transitioning, and I spent a lot of it miserable. It's normal to be all over the place with your feelings, and you should make sure to take care of yourself too.

He may not choose to transition at all, of course. I don't want to scare you by acting as if it's inevitable. I do agree that therapy is a good idea, preferably for both of you. (But if you get a therapist who says it's impossible to keep a marriage together, find a new one!! The last thing you need is to be undermined that way.)

For most couples who are still in love and still communicating honestly, there's a very good chance of success. It's also very early days, which can be one of the scariest times, since you don't know what this means for you yet and all the potential changes are still vague. Good luck.

[1xxMiaxx1]

This all new to me, what I get out of him is he want a virgana and breasts but he also wants to be a man when he wants? Maybe that is why he never went through with it? I'm dealing with it one day at a time at this point. I read that e hormones make them feel better? So he is on them now it is to soon to tell what it will do to us.

[Valwen]

I really don't know much about relationships but it sounds like your husband could really use a therapist, someone in the known who can help them full come to terms with who they are and what they want from life, you could even join him at times and talk about how the two of you together fit into this mold. Its possible his past experiences with men may have been mostly about feeling like a woman and with that dealt with in another way they could be a very loyal spouse.

[Susan]

Not everyone transitions fully. Don't assume that is where this will end, just know that it is possible.

[JoanneB]

Just talk to each other and take it one day at a time. I have been seeing a therapist and it helps make sense of everything. I wish you the best of luck. It's hard but not impossible.

The one key thing beyond our love that kept my wife and I together these past 6 years after I dropped the T-Bomb on her are the open and honest conversations about what's happening.

Betrayal is a hot button issue for her. When we first got together 30+ years ago she knew I was a cross dresser and had experimented with transition, putting that behind me. So you can imagine her reaction when her "just a cross-dresser" SO kicked over the table.

What can happen is anything from your worse dreams, or nothing. Without the often times difficult conversations there is no way to know. No matter what, there are no absolutes. What may seem like a workable solution today, may not be one tomorrow.

Six years later, I still primarily present male yet many other things have changed. I have grown tremendously as a person. Finally feel good about being me. Found joy. All aspects that my wife greatly appreciates. Other changes, not so much so, like loosing "the man". She still says "She did not marry a woman"

Life is growing. Life is learning. Life is having to juggle priorities.

One of the conditions my fiercely independent wife from a dysfunctional family asked me to agree to is that if the other ever wants out, it ends. Amicably. Peacefully. No hurts. No days to years of warfare.  We've come close to that a few times. Especially before I dropped the T-Bomb. I cannot ask, nor can I expect her to stick by me no matter what. I changed the rules and things are not what she signed up for. I do my best to keep things balanced for US

[1xxMiaxx1]

We haven't discussed therapy at all yet, I haven't been able to talk to anybody about this. All his kids and his family know about it but nobody mentioned it to me. I wish somebody would have taken me aside and said my dad has this big side to him? He has 4 sons. I have one son.

All I can do is one day at a time.
I said till death do us part,  I hope I meant it.

[GendrKweer]

It is perfectly possible to live in some combination of presentation, life and love is far too flexible to not allow for that! I've transitioned fully with the support of my wife of 8 years, but still have to drag as a guy once or twice for travel reasons... As long as you two keep communicating, there's no reason why your marriage has to suffer. Indeed, if your partner is more open and comfortable (finally, after all these years) about who they are, and have your support, you might find yourself in a slightly stranger but far better and fulfilled marriage than you were before. Although we are in an open relationship, infidelity itself has nothing at all to do with transition, so don't worry about that more now than you might have five years ago regarding plain old cheating for other reasons. Finally, there are so many fun ways to have sex, including shall we say attachments that maybe y'all might have a little more fun experimenting in that department as well? A good gender therapist would be a great place to start for both of you, I'd think. Good luck!

[Laura_7]

You might look up a brochure for the british NHS called "doh-transgender-experiences.pdf" . Only thing I would disagree with is page 7, where they state stress, instead many experience relief.
It might help explain.

A good gender therapist should help you.
If its connected with depression it might be covered, or sliding scales might be available.


hugs

[1xxMiaxx1]

I've always been the initiator with our sex, I've already started the attachment phase which is going well actually. I give him what he needs, and I get off on it. I love him and I'm going to give him what I think he needs to be happy but I need to be happy to.  I feel closer to him so many things make sense about him now. He's my little girl.

[GendrKweer]

Well then you sound like a wonderful partner for someone who is going through transition!! I wish you both all the best... I'd wish you luck but it seems like you won't need too much of that as long as y'all got each other.