That anxious feeling

[Jessica_M]

I'm guessing that I'm not the only one to go through this, hence asking the question. Up until the last 6-months (right when my marriage failed) I've always had thoughts of wanting to be female, or wondering what it'd be like, but it's just more recently that I'm constantly thinking about it and often very anxious. Maybe I'm scared to do it or maybe I'm scared that if I don't I'm denying myself. Telling people and facing the consequences of lack of employment. lack of money and lack of career scares me. Call me crazy though, I just worry that people won't take me seriously. That and the fact I'm not financially secure enough.... if only I could meet an amazing wealthily woman who wants a sexy TG wife. I'd happily be the stay at home French maid... So long as I could sneak out for the occasional motorbike ride or dress up as a sexy voluptuous pinup girl and take the hotrod for a cruise around town.

I guess one of the main things is that I just don't ever look at any other men and get jealous of who they are or look at older men and think "that's who I want to be when I get older". Sorry about some of my posts being me rambling, I guess you can tell I'm still yet to see a professional opinion yet

Writing that has made me smile a bit.... still anxious though :/

[Jessica_M]

ps: I should add that my marriage didn't fail because of this. My wife was cool with me dressing and very supportive. She just happened to get swept off her feet by the guy she sat next to at work and never gave me a chance to win her back. It's really made me not want to entertain any future relationships.

[Yenneffer]

Hugs its the worst feeling in the world being betrayed.i had this so many times it hurts to the point i knew why because im female im to sensitive girls dnt want that they want tough big protectors and im not.i like emo guys now.

[Dee Marshall]

ps: I should add that my marriage didn't fail because of this. My wife was cool with me dressing and very supportive. She just happened to get swept off her feet by the guy she sat next to at work and never gave me a chance to win her back. It's really killed me emotionally

This may not make any sense to you, but I wish that would happen for my Sweetie at times. I love her dearly, and I know she loves me, but I can never again be what she needs. It would be better for her to find a man to love. I wish she could be a lesbian, but that will never happen.

As my son says, I'll be fine, but his mother will be lost without me. As it stands, we'll stay together and perhaps even be happy, but I wish her all the happiness in the world and she can't quite get that from me.

Sometimes we sit and cry together over what was.

This is not to say that what's happened to you is for the best, only you can decide that. I hope going forward your path eases, though.

[sam1234]

Its possible that the guy she fell for was just an excuse to get out of the marriage once she found out your intentions. For some, saying they are going to end their marriage because of a change like that makes them feel like the bad guy. It easier for them to deal with leaving because they fell for someone else.

I would rather have someone tell me that they no longer love me than to cheat on me. Its a matter of respect. It still hurts, but less than someone going behind your back. Not knowing your ex, I couldn't tell you if this was the case, but it wouldn't be the first time if it was.

It would have been a lot easier if my ex had come right out and said that she just didn't believe I was a man than to use all the available buttons that she could push to hurt me.

Make sure you get over your last relationship before you start another one. If you don't deal with the anger and betrayal,  its much harder to move on and you tend to get suspicious. Its ok to be picky about who you want to be with. Its also ok to be alone while you try to find that person.

sam1234

[Jessica_M]

Thanks girls, surprisingly enough though I am getting over her quickly, it's mostly my other concerns that are the problem

[Rachel]

Sorry about your relationship.

I know what you are saying and I feel very much the same. My work style is conservative and my clothing, although will be female, will be similar to what I wear now. There will be some changes but nothing huge.

I was with the executive VP of supply chain today. We both had on a button shirts and pants. Hers female and mine male. I had a tie and she a necklace. So the switch  will not be huge. She did ask if I was married and if I had children. I think she was accessing my sexuality and marriage partner gender. Also, she asked if my daughter has curly hair like mine and I said yes but not so curly. In the past she actually felt my hair in an elevator lobby.

[Jessica_M]

I just wish i could start fresh. Start a new life as a new person. Imagine how great it'd be if there was an adoption agency for transgender people.

[katrinaw]

Haaa I hear you Jessica...

L Katy 

[JenniferGreen]

Hi Jessica,

I know what you mean about the anxiety.  I think that is pretty standard for all of us.  I struggle every day with it but facing it head on is the only way I know of dealing with it. It's the reason why I am coming out to my friends and getting help from health professionals. I just want to see if there is a way to be free and live my life without self imposed boundaries based on what others think. It would be nice to know that it will go away at some point. 

My own relationship failed after 23 years three years ago. It was horrible and nearly destroyed me. Now I am glad as I can begin to explore myself and look after myself without having a controlling abusing woman running my life.  I did not see it that way at the time but it is feeling like a great opportunity to start a new life now. I hope you find it gives you a chance to reinvent yourself in a new way as well.

[Eva Marie]

Its possible that the guy she fell for was just an excuse to get out of the marriage once she found out your intentions. For some, saying they are going to end their marriage because of a change like that makes them feel like the bad guy. It easier for them to deal with leaving because they fell for someone else.

Another possibility is what my ex did. She couldn't get away fast enough when I told her my plans. There had been an unexplainable distance growing between us for a while; I suspect she was already entertaining the idea of splitting and I gave her the perfect excuse and she ran with it. She may have had a guy lined up before she split because she was living with him right after she left me and before our divorce was final - and now they are getting married.

No honesty,  just duplicity and secrets from her at the end after 25+ years of commitment from me.

[Jacqueline]

Jessica,

I absolutely know where you live with that anxiety. I have been seeing a therapist and it seems to clarify some things but I have yet to come out to my wife and family. Not trying to compare, just for reference.

I am also constantly questioning the validity of my thoughts about being MTF. Maybe it's just dropping of androgens as I hit middle age and am having a crisis.

I guess I keep coming back to the question if it is "just depression" or a midlife crisis would the logical conclusion be I'm transgendered? Also where in those arguments would past history of dressing before puberty or other personal leanings come from?

I don't have full answers for you or myself. I think the thing is to keep trying to make sense of it all, be true to ourselves and love and support those around you. I am finding fear, resentment and blame are enemies as are most negative emotions. Sure, we have to go through some of them but trying to move beyond them. I feel a little hypocritical saying all this when I live in fear at the moment.

Guess what I'm really saying is, I feel for you an empathize. I think most of us here are in/or have been in such similar instances. 

I wish you luck.

[Jessica_M]

Jessica,

I absolutely know where you live with that anxiety. I have been seeing a therapist and it seems to clarify some things but I have yet to come out to my wife and family. Not trying to compare, just for reference.

I am also constantly questioning the validity of my thoughts about being MTF. Maybe it's just dropping of androgens as I hit middle age and am having a crisis.

I guess I keep coming back to the question if it is "just depression" or a midlife crisis would the logical conclusion be I'm transgendered? Also where in those arguments would past history of dressing before puberty or other personal leanings come from?

I don't have full answers for you or myself. I think the thing is to keep trying to make sense of it all, be true to ourselves and love and support those around you. I am finding fear, resentment and blame are enemies as are most negative emotions. Sure, we have to go through some of them but trying to move beyond them. I feel a little hypocritical saying all this when I live in fear at the moment.

Guess what I'm really saying is, I feel for you an empathize. I think most of us here are in/or have been in such similar instances. 

I wish you luck.

Thanks for the great reply Joanna, I think you summed it up perfectly. It's weird, I keep thinking that if I transition that I'll be throwing away everything I've lived for in life and any future opportunities. I too keep thinking that maybe its just a phase, but I'm pretty sure that deep down its not. I'm always jealous of women for who they are and how they look and dress. That and nothing disturbs me more than seeing older men than me and thinking that is what I have to look forward to. Nothing about being a man is appealing to me... especially when so many amazing women that I look up to and admire can do all the things men can