Depression while on HRT

[acd_92]

Hey everyone,

I suppose this was mainly meant for me to vent and get some feelings out. And if you have had or are having similar experiences, I'd love to hear about them as well. I've seen how beautifully supportive this community is. Warning in advance that this might be a semi-long post.

So I started HRT on April 14th after years of intense suppression...I pretty much fully came out to myself in January, and subsequently to others. Since then, not hiding my feelings or desires to express myself has helped so much with my depression, but it's still there. And lately, in the past few weeks, I've been feeling incredibly depressed, and it has manifested itself in the form of fatigue. I've just felt so incredibly tired lately. And I'm sure some of that could be the hormones... But also, I recently had to cut my dad out of my life. He is horribly violently transphobic and is simply not safe for me to be around. In addition, my mom, while supportive somewhat, doesn't seem to really be taking me seriously. She never apologizes for misgendering me or for using my birth name, and refuses to educate herself on transgender issues. She uses my name in a sort of forced way, and not because she genuinely wants to, and she makes fun of it and my clothes all the time.

So all that said, I guess I'm frustrated. Frustrated that I've had to cut ties completely with my dad. Frustrated that my mom just doesn't understand how much she hurts me, no matter how many times I explain it. And I guess I also am just so tired of walking around outside and getting misgendered. It all just feels so incredibly exhausting. Lately I've been able to drag through the day and then basically pass out when I get home, but today, for instance, I have just felt so, so tired all day. Past the point of trying to get anything done.

I also just feel kind of guilty because I've read so many stories about how trans women, as soon as they start HRT, feel so happy with themselves and are generally just so much happier, too, and that's just...not completely the case for me. When I started HRT I did feel this immense sense of peace, that I was finally on a path going to where I want (and need) to be, and I still feel that, of course...but I am also just so tired of having to navigate a world and society that doesn't see me the way I want to be seen, and I'm also just upset at myself for not fitting the token of the happy trans woman since I started HRT. I feel as though I should be happier simply because I have what I want. My depression isn't nearly as bad as before I came out, but it is still present and very much active. My dysphoria has also worsened, I think from trying so hard to be read as female and simply being unsuccessful (I think because my face is just so angular and masculine).

Am I strange for feeling so down after starting hormones? I know that I have what so many women literally dream of. And I am so, so grateful for them. But I do still feel somewhat down and depressed. And I'm sure things will get better as I continue on HRT, but right now, I'm just so emotionally tired.

Also, should I bring these things up with my doctor when I meet with her in a few days? I'm pretty sure she has me on an "introductory level" of hormones right now, as she said she usually recommends her patients to move slowly so they can see how they feel.

I would really appreciate any thoughts, reassurance, or suggestions.

[Kassie]

Sounds like to me you need to make a appointment with a therapist who deals with gender issues would be my first suggestion


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[acd_92]

Sounds like to me you need to make a appointment with a therapist who deals with gender issues would be my first suggestion


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Hey Kassie,

I currently am seeing a gender therapist as well as a doctor for my HRT, and I'll be seeing her on Friday - I'll definitely be bringing all of this up to her.

[suzifrommd]

Hugs, Ashley.

The period between your discovery and your transition can be a real roller coaster. You've started the hard work of changing your life but you haven't yet gotten the benefits. It's especially hard for you, because your family is not being supportive.

I didn't get any mood boost at all from hormones, so no, you are not strange. The people who do tend to be quite vocal and the rest of us don't have much to shout about so we keep it to ourselves.

Here are some things that help me:
* Figure out what the things are that really make you feel true to yourself. What sort of things feed your soul? For me it's walking, reading, talking with friends, and listening to music. For you it will be other things. Once you figure out what they are, do them as often as you can.
* Find ways to bring joy to others.
* Pray for the ability to see the good in the world. If, like me, you're not sure about god, pray to your inner strength. Works just as well.

I'd also suggest working on your mother. Make sure she understands that this isn't going away, and how uncomfortable it is when someone isn't making an effort to support you. She may need to hear it over and over again before she gets it, but it's worth the effort.

Hang in there. There's a lot of wonderfulness coming your way.

[Mariah]

Ashley, your not alone when it comes to the concerns you have right now. The happiness that we feel at the beginning is mainly just from the fact we are so excited to have started hormones and not really anything in regards to the hormones at that point. I think Suzi touched on it best by focusing on other things along with your transition that make you happy and give you inner piece while your progressing along. It's when my love of sports crept back up and became important again. Finding what works for you progress through your journey as well is important. Yes, the hormones are generally started out low to see your body reacts to them. Hang in there because it does get better. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[iKate]

Hi Ashley,

It seems as though you have a lot going on there. Your therapist would probably be best to help resolve this.

From my own perspective I have had a few of the bad things you've had such as not passing and facing abandonment from my dad. However you are right that a lot of trans women are happy once they get on HRT. I am immensely happy with myself now.

That said, I wouldn't throw in the towel just yet.

First off, it seems as though you don't have a lot of hair on your head? Maybe you should look into getting a wig to help you to pass. Trans women typically don't do bald very well. I don't know, I am just going by your picture. I apologize if this is what you do already. Also if you have facial hair, have you addressed it? Laser and/or electrolysis.

Secondly, maybe you should give yourself some time and effort to pass. In the beginning I didn't really pass at all. Then I discovered what to do such as light makeup, clothing and voice. I can pretty much pass effortlessly if I want to and it is becoming harder to pass as a guy now. 5 months HRT. Remember it is not an instant magic pill. You need TIME.

Thirdly, if you don't pass, so what. Lots of trans women do not pass. Are you doing this for yourself or for others? We are gaining acceptance. Passing is becoming less important, in some respects. Don't get the wrong idea though, passing is very nice to have but what I am saying is that not passing doesn't mean you can't enjoy your life.

And finally, you can be yourself to yourself and in affirming spaces such as support groups. If you struggle with passing they can also be of help. Or even finding local friends to help...

Don't give up!

[Jayne]

Hiya

What you're feeling is natural, you are struggling with family issues & no matter how good you feel about being on HRT that will make life hard.
My father is homophobic so I didn't even bother to tell him about my transition, a message came through the family grapevine that he wanted nothing to do with me.
My mother however was not a lost cause, she was obviously uncomfortable but promised to stick by me & she then became hostile for a while, I eventualy realised that she was going through the 5 stages of grief, apparently this can be quite common for parents.
It has taken her 3 yrs to use my new name, in fact today was the first time she has ever introduced herself as "Jayne's mum" please keep in mind this can be very hard for a parent to accept & sometimes they need to go through a grieving process.
Maybe you could explain to her that hearing your old name makes you depressed & ask her to just not use a name when speaking to you until she feels ready to accept your new name.

[acd_92]

Thank you all so much for these responses thus far. I feel so much better knowing that what I'm feeling isn't *weird*. I guess I need to give myself more credit than I have been so far...

I don't think it's that I'm doing any of this for anyone else or anything like that, I think I'm just...really hard on myself, you know? Like, in all things, and that might be partially why I'm feeling the way I am right now. I guess I have come pretty far from when I confronted the truth of my identity with myself back in December.

I think I'll try to at least tell my mom she's being hurtful and see what she says.

I would welcome more responses if anyone has them in mind. <3 Seriously, you all are so lovely, and I am so, so grateful for all of your thoughts and support.

[Emily E]

I'm sorry to hear about your experience with your family that can never be easy but if the person is especially toxic to your emotional wellbeing it may be best to minimize or eliminate contact with them (in no way does this make you a bad person if just makes you some one who is looking out for yourself... beware some people will try to make you feel bad about what your doing so they can hurt you)  seek out and spend some time talking to your therapist to help you through this ruff patch as they will best be able to give you objective advice in this situation.

As far as the fatigue goes I would suggest seeing your endo as you may have a little imbalance going on that's making you tired and more susceptible to emotional turmoil and if the endo tells you everything is good start working out (taking a run or walk or anything like that and just enjoy your surroundings) to give yourself a little break from all that's going on in your life... I've found this to be the best stress/depression relief for me (I went temporally blind from stress about 10 years back so I had to learn how to reduce it for myself).

Good luck we are always here for you... your not alone 

[nicolegn7]

Oh girl it sucks but honestly its something we have to deal with from time to time. If you have lots of depression and high rate of it then thats not normal. But it's normal with hormones to feel more emotional and melancholy. Cis women feel that way all the time as well. You'll get used to it and manage it better, don't worry! I would check with your doctor just to be safe tho!