need help.. so lost :'(

[chloeD33]

So here's the thing. I have just started t blockers. Over all I am happy, but today it dawned on me... Am I doing this for all the right reasons... From a you age I recall being very very curious and the female team. I wanted to know more about them at like age 4. I don't really recall wishing to be like them at the time tho... Or dysporic. At age 7 I started to hang more with girls and may have had a Lil crush on one... However, I remember wishing I could just be her instead. Soon after around 8 I enjoyed girly things like power puff girls and I recall getting my nails done too by a friend hehe... But other stuff happened and I lost any desire for girly stuff.... Or at least I think I did. Years later I questioned my sexuality and in 2007 I remember wishing I could be like one of the girls! I even recall one time I dressed up as one for a  day and enjoyed it , and another time I remember actually nfeeling depressed I was not a girl... Then, 2009 came. My sexual drive came out in full and exploded, along with my testosterone and odd emotions and stuff also came.

[chloeD33]

Mainly I recall when I was little I remember I did have more female emotions and was very sensitive... But I trued to brush it off and be a man. I loved being around females far more but rarely had many female friends. When I started to get more, the more these feelings came up. I love living like a woman and have socially for a while, and even thinking of being male again I feel so sad. However, I gotta make sure this is how it is. Am I really a woman or a confused man

[chloeD33]

If it helps, I have spent my whole life suppressing/repressing my feelings on a lot of things..

[enigmaticrorschach]

i'm sry your starting to doubt your self hun. i suggest talking to your therapist about this because regret is no joke. however, you and i once shared the same boat so i truly do understand where you are coming from

[chloeD33]

Thanks hun. It isn't becoming female that is the true regret. Its more shame I guess about some stuff. Idk, I just wish I was born female. Sometime I just want to disappear off earth. I hate this feeling

[Mariah]

Hi Chloe. Believe it or not your experience isn't all that uncommon. A therapist would be loads of help sorting through everything. I was amazed at what I had suppressed and hadn't remembered from my past as i went through therapy. Good luck and Hugs.
Mariah

[chloeD33]

Thanks Mariah ! Idk, I just wish I could have gone back to  my young years and found a good way to express my feelings, had I done so this decision would have been easily been taken care of years ago. I remembered tho, that I hated being hurt and only the boys could stand up for themselves so I tried to make myself just like them. And I mean that, I would look at a tuff friend and try to be exactly like them because they never got hurt. Well it never worked, even why I was in male mode a while ago I felt I has to act exactly, or almost exactly as them. Living as female I just want to be me, and learn and love me. No need to act like anyone else, I still have role models and such but it's like a respect and appreciation thing, not a negate me and be someone else. I remember telling myself as a kid just follow these people and don't ask questions about yourself... You won't like the answer or something similar. Being Chloe is the greatest thing and I don't want that to leave me.

[chloeD33]

Ironicly about the whole boys are the only ones never to be hurt... Chloe is far more mentally, emotionaly and physically strong them the male shell ever was!

[Mariah]

Most definitely. I think that is true for all of us. Hugs
Mariah

Ironicly about the whole boys are the only ones never to be hurt... Chloe is far more mentally, emotionaly and physically strong them the male shell ever was!

[Laura_7]

You could have a look here for a few thoughts that might help you:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,186574.msg1661576.html#msg1661576
It shows its nobodys fault... it just is...

a lot of things have changed lately, with much more information to come by...
sentiment was also different then...
you might look forwards and make the best of what is now...
it can be a wonderful experience to explore a bit...
you might play a bit with hair and clothing styles...unisex or womens trousers... second hand stores could be a good source...

This all is simply a process, but a large number of people have done it, too, and succeeded...



and you don't have to feel female all of the time...
according to another gender therapist, quite a few people do not strongly identify as woman, they are somewhere between agender and woman... but they feel they need a bit more female body.


please reach out...

you could think about a good gender therapist... not a gatekeeper but someone to help you find out what you need... if you feel they are not supportive you could look for another...
you might ask at a transgender group, plannedparenthood or a lgbt center for counseling and a referral... or you might look up gender therapists... there was another thread on online therapists...

and there might be support groups...

and if you want to talk to someone in person, you could talk to a friend or call here for example:
glbthotline dot org/hotline.html
they also have a chat

translifeline dot org


and you could concentrate a bit on what you like...

many *hugs*

[chloeD33]

Thanks <3! Question. What therapy did you say you do? Ingot a lot of repressed memories and stuff or hazzy to say the least. Is hypnotherapy/hypnosis something to be pondered? And Laura thanks, I don't dress as female everyday and can not stop. Not for sexu arousel, but rather  a second nature of sorts.. Also, there are no groupsbwhat so ever in my area. Closest one is a hour away!

[Mariah]

I know hypnotherapy/ hypnosis would be something not to be pondered for any of us. Sound like something out of conversion therapy 101.
Mariah

Thanks <3! Question. What therapy did you say you do? Ingot a lot of repressed memories and stuff or hazzy to say the least. Is hypnotherapy/hypnosis something to be pondered? And Laura thanks, I don't dress as female everyday and can not stop. Not for sexu arousel, but rather  a second nature of sorts.. Also, there are no groupsbwhat so ever in my area. Closest one is a hour away!

[enigmaticrorschach]

hypnotherapy only works if your mind isnt guarded. repression cause the mind to shut down tight thus why its not really effective on the traumatized or those of our kind really. plus you have to be receptive to it.

[Yenneffer]

hypnotherapy only works if your mind isnt guarded. repression cause the mind to shut down tight thus why its not really effective on the traumatized or those of our kind really. plus you have to be receptive to it.

i will give it a shot

[chloeD33]

Why do you think it is similar to conversion therapy? Also I don't know how to move past my other problems. Talk therapy doesn't work too much I find! Is meditation any good too?

[chloeD33]

Pardon my errors. My phone is really bad for typing. Also, I meant to say I DO dress female everyday!

[becoming gianna]

The more suppressed things i remember, the more i realize what started me down a very dark path that wouldve killed me. Drinking way too much, drugs, etc. Once i finally came to grips w who and what i am, and started making the right changes, all the doubt is gone. Remember. Not all who wander are lost. Just dont jump down the rabbit hole too far until youre absolutely sure that this is what you want.

[chloeD33]

Thanks hun. I think this is indeed what I want. Just thinking about going back to male makes me feel awful. And these hormones have calmed be very much!

[becoming gianna]

Belive me. I know the feeling.

[enigmaticrorschach]

Why do you think it is similar to conversion therapy? Also I don't know how to move past my other problems. Talk therapy doesn't work too much I find! Is meditation any good too?

ah, your right. sry for the late response. been very busy tahaha! well there isnt much of a difference however with hypnotherapy, its kinda dangerous if you dont want certain secrets to get out. i was in the same mind set as talk therapy wasnt helpful, but once i met my therapist, those doubts went out the window. i cant hide or keep anything from him. its basically like he reads my mind. it all depends on who your talking to and your willingness to give them a chance that determines whether something works or not