Newly questioning transgender

[eyexciteme]

Hello everyone,

I have just recently come to realize I may be transgender (within the last week to ten days).  I am currently a 31 year old male in a long-term relationship (9 years now) with another male.  I opened up to my partner 4 nights ago about my feelings and the possibility of transitioning.  We talked for quite a while...we ended up laying in bed together crying/sobbing for some time.  I felt at the lowest point I can remember in my life watching the person I love most heartbroken at the prospect of our relationship eventually dissolving over this.  He is a gay man so its very understandable it would be a significant stretch to consider being with a trans woman.  We are currently engaged also.  He was completely blindsided by this news.

I called the next morning and made an appointing with a therapist to see Wednesday.  Between Sunday night and Wednesday things between me and my partner were positive.  We went to have dinner together and he went with me to Walgreens to help me pick out some colors of fingernail polish I liked . The fact I wanted to try wearing polish was a news flash to him also Sunday!  He also talked about clothes shopping with me and questioned with a smile if I was planning to buy men's or women's clothing. 

Wednesday's session with my therapist was positive; I felt like she was genuinely interested in my well-being and happiness and gave me some very practical short term goals for this period in my questioning.  I was surprised that she focused on the grieving process with me.  Turns out I am in grieving over the possible "loss" of my male identity and relationship with my partner.  She covered the various "stages" one may experience during the grieving process and gave me some information to share with my fiance.  She also stated she would like him to come to a therapy session with me, and my partner actually asked on his own if he could come after the session Wednesday!  I'm scheduled to go back in 2 weeks.

So my assignment for right now is to communicate.  Whether verbally or writing, I need to just get these thoughts out of my head and into the world.  So, with your permission I would like to use this thread as therapy, and use it to organize my thoughts and share the journey with people who can offer support and maybe some advice .  I'll stop here tonight and maybe will be back tomorrow with more to share.  Thank you all for creating and maintaining this wonderful community.  I look forward to getting to know you!

-Brandon.

[Mariah]

Hi Brandon, welcome to Susan's. You have come to the right place. Your among friends now. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and hugs.
Mariah

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[chloeD33]

You ask, I will be here love! Tho I may be 10 years younger and single and lesbian I will try to help <3

[savannah]

Hello...... My name is Savannah and I am a 58 y.o. MTF newbie (meaning not on HRT yet but happy that I am on the right track. I am looking for support/mentoring from other women who are willing to be my friends to advise me about the journey..... I am a nice girl and would like to hear from all of you.....[emoji11][emoji4]


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[katrinaw]

Hi Brandon, Welcome to Susan's...

Yes a bit testing, but hey you're both talking and it seems caring... You'll find lots of guidance and support here, so you'll not alone.

Nice to have you with us.

L Katy 

[katrinaw]

Hello...... My name is Savannah and I am a 58 y.o. MTF newbie (meaning not on HRT yet but happy that I am on the right track. I am looking for support/mentoring from other women who are willing to be my friends to advise me about the journey..... I am a nice girl and would like to hear from all of you.....[emoji11][emoji4]


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Hi Savannah, Welcome too 

You'll get support and guidance and all the help and support you need here...

As above with eyexciteme can you check out the links against the rules we live by here, they're here to protect us all... Taa


L Katy 

[Mariah]

Hi Savannah, welcome to Susan's. Your among friends now. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and hugs.

Please check out the following links for site rules, helpful tips and other info...

• Site Terms of Service and rules to live by
  
• Standard Terms and Definitions
  
• Post Ranks (including when you can upload an avatar)
  
• Reputation rules
  
• News posting & quoting guidelines
  
• Photo, avatars, and signature images policy
  

Hello...... My name is Savannah and I am a 58 y.o. MTF newbie (meaning not on HRT yet but happy that I am on the right track. I am looking for support/mentoring from other women who are willing to be my friends to advise me about the journey..... I am a nice girl and would like to hear from all of you.....[emoji11][emoji4]


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[Metanoia]

Right there with you, Brandon. Just started on this journey as well, with a long-term partner (I'm contemplating mtf transition... Only I'm married to a woman...) But right there with you. She's been asking and saying fairly similar things. You're not alone.

I'm finding out, as with seemingly everything in my life, it's a process... Hang in there

[eyexciteme]

A day late but here I am.  So the last two days have been...well...confusing.  I've gone from feelings of certainty and optimism about possible being transgender, to feeling absolutely crazy and ashamed I've even considered being a woman.  Sometimes when I've looked in the mirror I've been embarrassed to make eye contact with myself because of feeling so cringy about being so insecure, and I'm just immature and need to "get over it."  I've started to have feelings of anger...at myself...my parents...the universe for causing me to have a brain that seems so unstable right now.  I've been pretty easily agitated overall, and having trouble falling asleep.  I can't help but feel selfish that I'm allowing myself to be so consumed by these thoughts, when just two weeks ago I was relatively calm and "sane."  I feel like I did at 14 coming out of the closet to myself as gay.

The immense sadness I felt has subsided some since yesterday mid morning....I feel like it stopped when I actually stopped looking at a transition and losing my fiance as imminent, and began to look at my feelings of dysphoria as manageable as a cis man.  I'm sure in history there have been loads of people that have had gender dysphoria that just "dealt" with it and managed to get by without transitioning.  When I consider my current life, I do feel somewhat empty and that something just isn't right, but if the alternative would dissolve many of the good things about my current life that I do genuinely love (our shared home, our pets, our plans to grow old together, travel), is the trade-off worth it?  Could I express myself as a feminine male and be comfortable enough with that to be happy?  Right now I feel that yes I can.  I do worry, though, that just as these feelings erupted so suddenly within the last 2 weeks, that they would do so again with even stronger at a later time.

I am scared at the prospect of being even more socially isolated than I am now, of being stared at by everyone as I walk through a market or down the street (I'm 6'2 without heels ), of aging into a society and healthcare system that by and large is not comfortable with the trans community (I work in a hospital and sadly yes nurses and doctors can easily discriminate against you), of transitioning not even bringing me the peace I'm hoping for (wikipedia cites trans women have the highest rates of suicide even after transitioning).

I was watching an episode of the sopranos a while back and there is a scene where the main character is speaking to a russian immigrant who is astonished that americans worry so much about their feelings, when in many parts of the world people are lucky to live to 30 or have food on the table, and I can't help but see a parallel to my situation.  I have a loving man that wants to be with me the rest of my life, a stable, good income, my health, and the prospect of a long and fulfilling life as a cis man.  Would it be worth risking?  Regardless, I have issues to work through and definately feel I need to be in therapy.

[Metanoia]

After coming out to my wife as transgender, she seemed unphased, as it was possibly just my anxiety acting up again... But she shows subtle hints of support occasionally... I don't know. The more I live with myself as a man, the more I don't want to be... It's like I've left a project unfinished... Like Wile E. Coyote that ran off the cliff... But is stuck in midair looking at the long way down... And unable to fall...

Idk. At this point, I have a year internship that requires moving. At the end of the internship, I should be done with my studies. I'm feasibly thinking that I can last another year in boy-mode... As long as I can start low-dose hrt to possibly quiet the nagging dysphoria - to 'deal' with it... For now. We shall see.

The thought of other folks in the world having worse problems to worry about... Bugs me too...


Hang in there.

[adrian]

Hi Brandon,

those ups and down, the questioning, the what the heck am I doing moments are part of the process for many of us, especially if there is a significant other involved too. It's ok to have these doubtful moments, but please don't ever feel ashamed of your feelings! There's nothing to be ashamed of.

Hugs

[eyexciteme]

Thanks for the support adrian!  I'm still looking at things optimistically to continue with my current male-mode.  I've really gotten into fingernail polish which has been a refreshing outlet, although I still feel really uncomfortable wearing it in public...I did actually wear it to work over the weekend with mixed responses :p.  Questioning myself as transgender has certainly made me aware of how "male" I look, with broad shoulders, long arms, big hands and feet, which honestly has been a somewhat positive for me...I've definately not been in love with my boy self before. 

[eyexciteme]

Meta I can relate to feeling like something isn't really finished or "right."  I'm sure you can make it through your internship just fine; look how far you've made it already!  Finishing your studies or positioning yourself in a financially supportive situation can be a great thing before you transition!

[KristinaM]

Brandon,

Welcome to the site and feel free to look around at other people's stories for inspiration.  I don't think I've ever come across a gay man who was already in a long term relationship with another man that thought he was a transwoman before though.  Not to say it hasn't happened, I've only been around here a month now.

Have you heard of the term genderfluid?  Basically it means that you don't choose to identify as any single gender all the time.  Your gender identity changes from month to month, week to week, day to day or even hour to hour!  There's nothing that says you have to identify as one gender or the other, you could also choose to not identify with either gender!  So, you could go to work in boy mode, and party all night in girl mode!    Does something like that sound more like what you're brain is telling you maybe?

Also, Just as there's gender fluidity, there's also sexual fluidity, and the two are not linked.  I say this because there's no guarantee that just because you want to be a woman (sometimes or all the time), that your partner will leave you.  Some transwomen keep their penis if that's the concern for instance.  You don't HAVE to have gender reassignment surgery just because you're trans.  There are many instances of heterosexual couples surviving the transition of their spouse to become basically a homosexual couple, so there's no reason why it can't work the other way too.  If your partner loves you as a person, and presuming you don't radically change who you are at the core of your being, then there's nothing saying he can't continue to love YOU, not matter how you present yourself to the world around you.

So in conclusion:
1. Hang in there, keep the lines of communication open with your partner.
2. Find a therapist or someone else to talk to about this who's not biased.
3. Explore your gender identity in a safe environment.  Nail polish is a great start, but now go buy some pantyhose, panties, a skirt, or something else and see how you feel around the house.    Mascara is a great start too.
4. You are who you are on the inside.  Don't deny your inner feelings, they'll only get stronger with time and denying them can drive you to do irrational things once the pressure builds up too high.

[Maddy_Aya_W.]

Hi Brandon, welcome to Susan's. Let me start by saying, though I wouldn't say I am newly questioning, I would say I'm just starting on the road to transition. I can relate to feeling like you're losing your identity, I wish my therapist had mentioned this to me last week, things make a little more sense to me, now. Not that she's a bad psychologist, our visit was just a hectic one. It's a long road ahead of us, good luck on your journey.

~Maddy