Convincing dad - need help

[Foxtran]

So I came out to my parents a couple months ago as transgender, my mom seems to full support me but my dad is the problem. He is almost 100% convinced this is just a phase and it will pass and because of this he has done nothing and because he has done nothing my mom has done nothing, i'm having trouble coming up with a way to convince him that I am a girl, can anyone give me some advice

[Laura_7]

You could have a look here:
https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,188206.msg1673903.html#msg1673903
and the link there.


*hugs*

[Rachel]

Perhaps seeing a gender therapist can help you develop your agency. Also, the therapist may allow your parent to join in on an occasional session.

[Mariah]

Foxtran due to issues that were present since my birth my dad was eventually forced to live with the fact this wasn't going away. He tried all sorts of things including putting rules on my mom to try and force me to act and look like a boy. It didn't work. It wasn't tell he was really sick from cancer that he finally and fully gave up in that regard. I can remember multiple times him being told it's okay for your child to be doing that yet he was not happy about it. The point behind my sharing this is he thought it would change too. I'm glad your mom seems to be supporting you. I wish I could say that your dad will change his tune, but once they get it their head that they had a son getting idea out isn't so easy. The best you can do is keep trying. We can only hope he will get the idea eventually even if his current path that he is taking is a lost cause. The best thing you can do for now is be you. Be the girl you are. Show him by doing at this stage. Good luck and hugs.
Mariah

So I came out to my parents a couple months ago as transgender, my mom seems to full support me but my dad is the problem. He is almost 100% convinced this is just a phase and it will pass and because of this he has done nothing and because he has done nothing my mom has done nothing, i'm having trouble coming up with a way to convince him that I am a girl, can anyone give me some advice

[sam1234]

Males are goofy when it comes to their sons. They want their 'son" to follow in his footsteps as far as geeing married, having kids keeping the bloodline going. They are also generally proud of their sons, but treat them differently in  some circumstances.

Just as an example, when I came out to my family, they did pretty well with, but just before leaving to go off to college, I started to give him a hug and he backed off and said "men don't hug, they shake hands".  That is not entirely true, there are times when a hug between men is appropriate.

If the child a a cis xx, fathers tend to get very protective and even the most open minded fathers will treat a girl differently than a boy. Not all, but a lot.

I think parents have dreams for their children, like being successful and getting further in life than they did. If they have had their hearts set on having a son, its hard for them to understand and there is some denial at first. You might want to check over the net for experiments regarding transgenders. Then its not just you. If there are experts who think its neurological, of some other reason, show them to your father. Its hard to dispute opinions from the "experts".

sam1234

[iKate]

My dad doesn't talk to me anymore. My mom is fully supportive.

I wouldn't say treat him like a lost cause but maybe it's better to focus your energy on the parent who does support you so you can address your situation.

[Foxtran]

Yea my mom does want me to see gender therapist, also my dad isn't a lost cause, he will support me no matter what I do its just that i'm like the person in this thread https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,187843.msg1672326.html#msg1672326 but instead of being girly when I was young I acted manly, so because of this my dad thinks that I just got it in my head that i'm not supposed to be a boy and that i'm overreacting (this is basically his argument against anything big I tell him)

[Marly]

Foxtran due to issues that were present since my birth my dad was eventually forced to live with the fact this wasn't going away. He tried all sorts of things including putting rules on my mom to try and force me to act and look like a boy. It didn't work. It wasn't tell he was really sick from cancer that he finally and fully gave up in that regard. I can remember multiple times him being told it's okay for your child to be doing that yet he was not happy about it. The point behind my sharing this is he thought it would change too. I'm glad your mom seems to be supporting you. I wish I could say that your dad will change his tune, but once they get it their head that they had a son getting idea out isn't so easy. The best you can do is keep trying. We can only hope he will get the idea eventually even if his current path that he is taking is a lost cause. The best thing you can do for now is be you. Be the girl you are. Show him by doing at this stage. Good luck and hugs.
Mariah

I agree. A good therapist would likely even ask to meet with your dad to talk about his concerns.

[Mariah]

Marly, I should mention my dad died years ago. I'm over that and moved on from it. My only point was to share that story, but I agree your idea would work perfect for Foxtran. Hugs
Mariah

[Laura_7]

You might want to check over the net for experiments regarding transgenders. Then its not just you. If there are experts who think its neurological, of some other reason, show them to your father. Its hard to dispute opinions from the "experts".

sam1234

Well its up to you what you say since you know them best...

https://www.susans.org/forums/index.php/topic,186458.msg1664590.html#msg1664590
Inside is a hint to a brochure with some pictures explaining, its easily understandable.
It states that being trans has biological connections, to do with development before birth which influences the sense of self.
So its not a light hearted decision, and there are many feeling this way. Its nobodys fault, neither theirs nor that of their upbringing.
And it explains some of the feelings transgender people have, and it might help with self acceptance.

hugs

[suzifrommd]

You may need to educate your father. Make sure he knows:
* Being trans is not something we choose.
* It doesn't go away on its own and no one has ever been able to "cure" it.
* It's serious - anxiety and depression are common among those who ignore it.

Repeat these often, even if he's tired of hearing them. Sometimes we have to hear things multiple times before they sink in.

It might help to get other people among your parents' peers as allies - relatives, friends, counselor, etc. They might be more willing to hear it from them.

[WildThing]

My dad doesn't talk to me anymore.

Yeah, mine doesn't talk to me either. I don't care what anyone else tries to say, my dad's a lost cause...

...mainly because he's dead lol

[Alexis2107]

Sounds like we got the same thing going on there >>>>>>hugs<<<<<<<<


I did talk to my therapist about this, and she explained it as more of a grieving like process for the dad.  To him, how he is thinking, he has lost a child and wants to refuse to accept you as a woman.  He may also be angry at the new you for killing off his son.  Then my therapist advised that give him space and time and when he is ready, he'll come around.

I don't know, but it must be a guy thing because I totally do not understand it.  But, it's whatever.  My mother supports me 100%.  I ended up moving 2 states away and being out of the area.  I am guessing within a year or two once he has accepted Alexis, we can have a relationship again.

Hugs,

Lexi