My ex (STILL) calls me a "liar" regarding accepting myself as Tg

[femmebutt]

It's a common sentiment one hears from spouses, girl/boy friends, etc. - self righteous anger wrapped around this idea that we are liars because we have found acceptance of ourselves as transgender during the course of the relationship. Like we intentionally misrepresented ourselves in order to mislead them into a relationship.
No matter how carefully I try to explain the shame I felt, the powerful denial, the dreadful fear of someone finding out about about this thing I occasionally did, something inexplicable even to myself.  How I simply couldn't see from that place how deep it ran.
Anyone else get indelibly branded a liar? Anything you did to help someone see the light?
In my case the relationship has evolved far beyond the original arrangement (romantic, exclusive). But I feel like this is always going to be screwing with the remaining friendship...

[meganmichelle]

So I deal with similar issue and I'm am branded a liar because of it.

To share, I've come out to my wife to only be threatened with divorce, and ending of the relationship, and destroying my family and our lives. to preserve our marriage, and family, I've denounced my transgender nature, as me simply being confused (which really is a lie, as I'm not confused).  However, my wife is dealing with this coming out and so there it is

1 - I'm a liar because I was confused
2 - I'm a liar because I have to be, to preserve the relationship
3 - I'm a liar because I didn't on dating early on say this was going on. The problem with this one is that it hadn't clicked yet. I knew I had a very colorful and quirky sexual and gender odd past, but it had never resolved into focus until way into my marriage, when I started really looking for answers to my feelings.

So in some ways ya I'm a liar, in other ways I'm not a liar, its self preservation.

[kittenpower]

its self preservation.

That's what people need to understand; we try to sort through our feelings, but are afraid to take action, because we're afraid of failing , afraid we will disrupt our families, friends, and careers, and afraid of how we will be treated by the general public.  So, with all of the obstacles we face, it is only natural to try to take the path of least resistance by not transitioning, but we think about it 24 hours a day, it never goes away, and then we see ourselves getting older, and eventually realize that if we do not transition and live as our true selves, then it will be like we never truly lived.

[femmebutt]

  its self preservation.

Or is it self denial? In your case you've accepted who you are, even tho your mate won't.

Theres the inner battle that rages between shame, denial and our desire to live genuinely. Not to lie to oneself. To summon the courage to forge ahead on a difficult path considering the difficulties one is likely to face in our case. Yes! All that internal stuff.

I guess I'm worried more about how this relates to the closest most meaningful person in your life saying that you are betraying them by your being willing to live truthfully.  A spouse simply not wanting to continue with a person that realizes they are trans mid-marriage or mid-relationship is fairly understandable. But twisting it into some great injustice or "lie"... I think it adds up to a severe, love-crippling lack of empathy. That relationship must have been suffering in many ways totally aside from and prior to the other person's gender shift. The kind of perpetual victim mentality that lets a spouse scream "betrayal!" is pure manipulative B.S. 

Being able to recognize that is real self preservation.

[suzifrommd]

I got a lot of anger from my wife. I think it frustrated her that she couldn't be angry at me for being a woman, so she picked out a bunch of incidents from years ago to focus on how awful a husband I'd been. Understandable, I suppose. The anger did her far more harm than it did me.

[Rachel]

My wife use to use liar but now she says I hate your name and I married a man and I want things as they use to be.

My daughter is still at liar.

They have no reference for the level of self hate and hiding we go through. 

[femmebutt]

The anger did her far more harm than it did me.

They have no reference for the level of self hate and hiding we go through.

Good points. Perhaps I was a little severe in my indictment of the ex... But I just can't help getting annoyed when I hear us called liars. And I hear it a lot.

[neut5]

I wonder how I would react if the person I was dating wasn't the gender I thought they were. It might take getting used to, but if I really respected them, I would not call them 'liars.' Because gender identity isn't always something 'you have always known,' it can be something you discover at any point in your life, in the midst of relationships, marriage etc. And that's okay. Don't let your ex get to you because you haven't done anything wrong.

[mfox]

When I was figuring myself out,  I told people I would probably be happy being androgynous, and that I was probably non-binary.  I used Mx on everything.  But as things progressed, and I started HRT, I realized I felt more female than non-binary and switched to Ms.  So some people saw me as a liar because before.

My advice is to tell people that you just don't know anything for certain (e.g. where you will progress), even if you think you know, especially early in your discovery.   

[MugwortPsychonaut]

My wife use to use liar but now she says I hate your name and I married a man and I want things as they use to be.

My daughter is still at liar.

They have no reference for the level of self hate and hiding we go through.

Oh, that's awful. If you ever want to get together to talk about it, I'm here to listen. You know where to find me.

[femmebutt]

... Because gender identity isn't always something 'you have always known,' ...Don't let your ex get to you because you haven't done anything wrong.

Thanks for the kind words, neut5. I hope all you others that have had a similar experience take those words to heart too.

[Jayne]

I was also branded a liar by my ex but I deny the allegation, when I said "I love you" I meant it.
I honestly thought that my love for her could overcome my dysphoria & for about six years it did. Unfortunately my love for her became strong affection & my dysphoria saw a chink in my armour & snuck back in.

My dysphoria wasn't the only factor in my decision to end things between us but I felt bad about leaving her & didn't feel comfortable heaping part of the blame on her. This meant that my dyphoria (wrongly) took the blame for us splitting.

I tried to stay friends with her but it was becoming unhealthy for both of us so I broke off contact.
I hope you all have better luck than me in dealing with this

[ReDucks]

It's a common sentiment one hears from spouses, girl/boy friends, etc. - self righteous anger wrapped around this idea that we are liars because we have found acceptance of ourselves as transgender during the course of the relationship. Like we intentionally misrepresented ourselves in order to mislead them into a relationship.
No matter how carefully I try to explain the shame I felt, the powerful denial, the dreadful fear of someone finding out about about this thing I occasionally did, something inexplicable even to myself.  How I simply couldn't see from that place how deep it ran.
Anyone else get indelibly branded a liar? Anything you did to help someone see the light?
In my case the relationship has evolved far beyond the original arrangement (romantic, exclusive). But I feel like this is always going to be screwing with the remaining friendship...

Nothing is indelible!  The sad truth is that everyone sees the light on their own timing.  Trying too hard to prove you are not lying will just hurt you in the long run.  They say the best revenge is living well, my corollary is 'the best way to be well is to consistently be yourself'.  So give yourself time to settle into your new self, get some miles on your femininity, ride out some ups and downs, and generally grow into the woman of your dreams.   You will be the living proof of your truthfulness and anyone who feels the need to 'brand' you after that will be the one who needs to justify themselves. 

[femmebutt]

'the best way to be well is to consistently be yourself'

I couldn't agree more!