How can i put this into words? i have been dealing with a problem for a long time, so long that i can't even remember how, why or when it started but it's like this, i have two distinct personalities, simply put one soft and the other hard.
One has always tried to subdue the other if given half a chance but neither has succeeded to for very long.
i made the decision to transition because i wanted to embrace the soft one and reject the hard one, this has not worked. i've tried to tell myself that if i only be allowed to start on hormones the war will be over and soft will win a decisive victory, but i am not so sure anymore that will be the case and what's more i have come to realize that it's not what i want either, i think it would even destroy me as a functioning person.
The soft needs the strength and bravery of the hard and the hard needs the patience and caring of the soft. If i transition and i say if because i still don't know if i will even be allowed on hormones i will have to do it my way, the outcome likely being a most feminine, submissive and sweet woman some of the time and an aggressive, confident and dominant bitch at other times depending on my ever changing moods. i came to this realization at my last T session a few days ago and it stuns and amazes me that i had not understood and accepted this before. i don't think that i am a mental case anymore, i think i am one and one and they are one. Whatever happens i accept myself now.
Love Linda
