How can i put this into words?  i have been dealing with a problem for a long time, so long that i can't even remember how, why or when it started but it's like this, i have two distinct personalities, simply put one soft and the other hard.
One has always tried to subdue the other if given half a chance but neither has succeeded to for very long.
i made the decision to transition because i wanted to embrace the soft one and reject the hard one, this has not worked.  i've tried to tell myself that if i only be allowed to start on hormones the war will be over and soft will win a decisive victory, but i am not so sure anymore that will be the case and what's more i have come to realize that it's not what i want either, i think it would even destroy me as a functioning person. 

The soft needs the strength and bravery of the hard and the hard needs the patience and caring of the soft.  If i transition and i say if because i still don't know if i will even be allowed on hormones i will have to do it my way, the outcome likely being a most feminine, submissive and sweet woman some of the time and an aggressive, confident and dominant bitch at other times depending on my ever changing moods.  i came to this realization at my last T session a few days ago and it stuns and amazes me that i had not understood and accepted this before.  i don't think that i am a mental case anymore, i think i am one and one and they are one.  Whatever happens i accept myself now.

Love Linda
https😕/www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WjDCQImAbY

It's a good time to see a the*apist, Linda...chances are if you are trans that the "hard" personality was a coping/survival mechanism, while the "soft" personality was all that "he" protected.

Part of the process of transitioning is incorporating those different aspects into the strong yet kind woman you always were.

Best of luck in your journey!

*hugs*

Thank you Beth Andrea, that is profound, but i don't understand what you mean by "a the *apist"
If you mean my therapist, i am seeing two.

Therapist is what she probably meant.

A gender therapist preferred. 

I think it's a typo.  I think Beth meant to write 'therapist'.

Thanks ladies, yeah probably what she meant.  If it meant my rapist, i'm not cool with that lol
i have one more session with my gender therapist in a week or so and then i won't be able to afford that anymore.
Still hear nothing from the trans program psychologist or their psychiatrist since early March, that does not bode well.
i need to write the head guru himself and find out what is going on, but i keep putting it off in hopes they will contact me.

I tend to get triggered when I see "therapist"...I read it as "the rapist" and because of my past it is very hurtful to me...so I put in the asterisk. There is no space in "the*apist", it's all one word.

Sorry for any confusion.

Hi Linda 
Long time no see, I believe your thoughts are what many of us suffer with, especially those that have family ties. I know I have been juggling exactly those thoughts through much of my life.

Whenever I have to be who I really don't want to be anger and frustration comes through, I hate that, its not me... but these days now the "harder" side of me is now pushing the caring softer side because I don't want to fight myself anymore... way too hard!

I am glad that your current therapist is working well with you now, casting my mind back to late last and earlier this year.

Good to see you back  😘 Missed you about.

L Katy  😘

Hi Katrinaw 

The process of attempting transition has forced me to see myself as i am and like you i have not always liked what i saw.
i have had this image of my true self as being a friendly considerate loving person, but of course there is more to me than that and as Beth Andrea pointed out some of it is defense mechanism to protect myself in a sometimes wicked world that can do me real harm if i let it.  Please don't let go of your soft one Katrinaw, just make sure it's protected.
i have not had the pleasure of meeting you in person, but i know i would like you right away, you have an earnestness
and playfulness that is very charming.  i think we both suffer from being too hard on ourselves, we should stop that.
i ask my wife sometimes what in the world do you see in me, can't you see how defective i am?  A smile and a hug and a I love you any way you are is always her answer.  We need people like that to be our mirror and what's more a kind heart deserves one, yes deserves my friend.

Great to hear from you as always
hugs to you Katrinaw
Linda

 😘

Certainly won't lose my soft side its me all over, hence why I am where I still am...

Certainly there is a big distance between our places of abode, but somehow this site brings us all so much closer together...

If ever you want to chat at all you can get me on PM or eMail anytime...

Lovely to see you again...

L Katy  😘