Well, I'm back and confused

[BlaineGame]

Hey, I was on here in February but took a break because I thought I was having a phase....but the dysphoria has come back and it's worse than before. Maybe I was brainwashed into thinking it was a phase for everyone kept saying "It's just a phase". I now know that it isn't a phase, never was.

What confuses me is that I went a few months without dysphoria but it suddenly returned yesterday. The worst part is that I am staying at my grandma's and have no access to my male stuff. I feel so exposed wearing female clothing. I even have nailpolish on...ewwww. And they are sparkly! 

My mom won't answer her phone so I can't go home yet because my grandma had a pacemaker put in and I'm watching her.

I'm also nervous because I have my family believing it had been a phase...they think I'm done with this "trans thing". My ex gf is very supportive and said she would be with me for support when I tell my mom...again.

I could be genderfluid....but I really hate my females parts to the point where I want to sew it closed myself....but I'm too chicken to do that.

I'm picking off this nailpolish as I type. I'm anxious and restless. I feel like I gotta go somewhere but I don't know where...

Am I genderfluid?

I've gone to therapy and support groups but I just can't figure it out....

[Mariah]

I wouldn't get to took hung up on the words. Boxes tend to cause more pain than help even though knowing what box we fit into eventually comes as a relief from knowing during the I'm figuring it out stage it isn't much elp. Instead find what makes you comfortable and relieves the dysphoria.No matter all the therapy and everything else go through it really comes down to our being ready to know. They help guide us but in the end when your ready it will come to you. If something doesn't work don't do it and if it does fantastic. Any time we get stuck playing the role were not it causes pain. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

[AeroZeppelin92]

My dysphoria was horrific the initial years of puberty until about age 17-18, then it would start to come in waves. By the time I was 21 it woul be gone for several months then suddenly hit me like a freight train and I would sink into deep depression. That being said I have never in my life worn anything feminine, even in my "non dysphoria" days women clothes made me severely uncomfortable.

I think, at least for me personally, the months that I would experience nothing was my minds way of trying to cope and protect itself. The feelings were surely still there but tucked away in some dark corner, and my mind would try to keep them there as long as it could. It was especially important for me to not think about it because I was in the military through this time and knew transistion wasn't an option. But as the years went the periods of no dysphoria got shorter. I had brief times of thinking it was just a phase, especially in my periods of "no dysphoria". But I knew it simply want true, and now since beginning my transition I am happier than I've ever been and am 100% certain it was never a phase, just a coping mechanism.

[Contravene]

You could be gender fluid but that's something only you could determine and it may take time. That being said, just because your dysphoria comes and goes it doesn't mean you aren't trans. I have times where my dysphoria is either very mild or almost seems non existent then it'll suddenly hit me like a ton of bricks. I think it just depends on how it's triggered and possibly my hormone fluctuations. I've never been happy with having a female body but there are times when it just doesn't bother me as much as usual.

[Sir Real]

Sounds like a tough time you're having right now.  Something to think about lack of dysphoria.  It's one of those things that *can* ebb and flow.  It's really something everyone who experiences it, experiences it differently.  I'm always careful about using dysphoria "amounts" as a gauge for identity.  Ultimately what makes up someone's identity is not how much or little dysphoria they experience, it's, quite simply, how they identify. Almost always if how they identify is different than their assignment at birth, there is at least some amount of dysphoria some of the time. How that manifests is going to be different for each of us. But ultimately, it's how you feel you are on the inside.  Can men like nail polish? Sure! Do they like it all the time? Maybe not! It's all OK.  But how were you identifying on the inside? Did you ever feel female? If so, maybe gender fluid is something to look into. Or some other non-binary.  There's a LOT to think about and a LOT of soul searching.  Do you have someone who can help you through this like a therapist?

[Ayden]

I think having waves of dysphoria is pretty normal. I had a rough time as a teen, but as soon as I left home when I was 16 I was so busy with trying to work and survive that I sort of blocked out my problems. The dysphoria came back in waves at 19, 20, 22 and 23 until finally I decided to start seeing a therapist. My husband was actually in the know when I told him when I was 18, but we were so busy at the time that I didn't think about it. I kept telling myself I would wait until I had the money to do anything, and then I would get into therapy. I had times where I told myself that I was happy being female, or at the very least, I wasn't miserable. The truth is, I could have probably lived as female for years out of sheer tyranny of will. I wouldn't have been happy, but knowing my personality, I would have just kept myself too busy to think. I'm glad I didn't. I am much happier and healthier now. To be honest, I had doubts until I got my first shot. I laughed for nearly four hours and walked around smiling like an idiot for weeks.

That being said, I think how you feel and how you identify really is something only you can know. It is possible that you are gender fluid, it is also possible that you are ftm with dysphoria waves. I think saying that to be trans one has to experience a very certain amount of dysphoria or crippling anxiety is more harmful than helpful. There are many who have a terrible time dealing with their feelings and their identities, but there are also many people who transition later in life because they have a different level of dysphoria or different coping mechanisms. Would it be possible to see a different therapist and start from the beginning? Sometimes its best to start from a clean slate.