[Maybe triggering] Sorry, this is a big step for me, I need advice

[Adrexolai]

Uh well.. I hope it's okay for me to post this type of thing, I am FtM, 24, and have been struggling with this ever since I sort of realized it 6 years or so ago. I have no job, I've gotten agoraphobia so severe because of this that I haven't been outside in the same amount of time, since I graduated in 2009 - to me, it feels like walking outside naked since well.. it's not like I'm uh.. flat chested. So just having strangers look at me feels insanely violating. The thought of going out and leading a normal life enough to save up money to transition makes me dread life so much that if I tried, I know I would have thrown myself in front of a car within a few days. Binders hurt and I'm.. too big around there for it to matter. So, I'm working from home, and still living with my parents ( who are amazing, they've actually accepted me and are trying to help )
Which leads me to why I'm finally taking the step into a group like this..
I've decided to finally try and overcome some of my fear of change and society, in order to try and get the ball rolling. I need to join a community like this because I don't know anyone who has actually been through these things, and so I have no idea what to expect or what to do or how much stuff costs. I have no insurance, can't afford it, am technically unemployed ( I do art commissions for bits of money, but it's nowhere near enough ), and I live in homophobic backwoods southwestern Ohio where nastiness is rampant.
What should I do first? Who should I go to? Are there any groups or doctors or therapists in this westernish Ohio area that are recommended? And.. how hard is it to get the "letter"? I'm so scared of society and bias that I'm not sure if therapists or doctors will assume I'm just "over emotional" and will just give me anxiety meds and send me home instead of letting me transition.. Does that happen? Is it like an audition to see if you're "manly" enough?
Er, I'm just terrified. Any advice from anyone experienced, preferably lower-middle class in the midwest, as close to my situation as possible..

Today pushed me over the edge after changing my shirt in front of a mirror and I felt totally hopeless because of my financial and mental situation - being unable to work out there without offing myself immediately, but needing money to change. I want there to be hope. I don't want to dread living the rest of my life and feeling like I'm being violated whenever someone looks at me. Is there any hope for someone who doesn't have much money?

Sorry this post is kind of everywhere, I'm beyond nervous. Talking to people I don't know is really hard. x__x;
Please go easy on me, heh. ( But please do pile as much advice onto me as possible )

Argh, I hope I didn't say or do anything wrong in this post. Dx

[stephaniec]

sounds like you could really use a therapist to sort things out with you

[Mariah]

Hi Adrexolai, Welcome to Susan's. A therapist would be a great start, but as far as what support is available in that port of Ohio I wouldn't know but I'm others on here may. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and Hugs
Mariah

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[Ms Grace]

Hi Adrexolai! Welcome to Susan's. 

Being unsure about steps is very common because there are so many variables. As mentioned above, talking to a gender therapist or a good counsellor would be the best way to start - that way you can also discuss not only your gender dysphoria but also ways of addressing your agoraphobia. Maybe there are some LGBT support groups in your area who may be able to give you a list of reasonable and affordable people to consult. The first few steps are definitely the hardest but you have really confronted your fear and that is a great start.

I hope you find the support you're looking for here - head over to the f2m section and ask some questions, the guys there are great and more than willing to help.

[FTMax]

Have you considered online therapy at all? There are many affordable options that would be able to get you a letter, and wouldn't cause you any anxiety as far as going out and interacting in person. Ones whose primary focus is gender would probably be best if you want them to get you started transitioning, but they should all be able to help with your agoraphobia as well.

[Adrexolai]

I agree, I definitely do need a therapist since that is one of the first steps, I just have a hard time trusting or knowing where to look. I'm in such a broken-down small town that I'm unsure if there are any people that are friendly to anyone who is LGBT, let alone there being a group. I'm not ready to venture outside just yet, so online ones are my ideal for now, until I get the confidence to go to one in person. Though if I could find a therapist, a one-on-one setting is less daunting to me.
My parents are helping since I'm totally useless when looking things up - I tend to find the things that tell me "there's no hope, turn back now" and I get depressed and worried.
I don't know if I've been fed bias by the media in general - are most therapists pretty uncaring about the trans issues? I'm often worried about them only being there because of money - I have a hard time believing in the "I have to pay for someone to listen" thing. And I often see news and such about them being kind of sexist and not very educated on trans issues.. But since I have no experience, I want to get educated. I'm afraid I won't appear "manly enough" for them to consider starting me into transitioning. Is this my own misconception?
I'm glad to see that we have a desirable surgeon ( I browsed around here a bit and saw the name Medalie floating around ) in this area, so that's a bit of peace of mind at least.

-- Oh man, new posts keep coming up when I try to post, so I keep adding on. xD
I didn't know online therapy was available for something like this - that is definitely something I'd want to do. Do I need anything specifically for it? Like a webcam or anything? I don't know if they need to see your face in order to do a proper job.
And my agoraphobia is almost entirely tied to my dysphoria, I'm pretty sure. Because I only got this bad once I realized why I was so different, and started acknowledging it. If I can get this sorted out, I'm positive I'll get a lot more confident and I'll be much much more comfortable going out and doing life stuff. So indeed, they would help with my agoraphobia via my dysphoria, heh.

+rambles when nervous+ I'msorrylol

Thank you all for answering so quickly, also ( and I thought I was in the FtM section - I am right? @__@;; ItsaysIam. Since Ms Grace is telling me to go there, now I'm all worried I'm not in the right place, lol )

[FTMax]

I didn't know online therapy was available for something like this - that is definitely something I'd want to do. Do I need anything specifically for it? Like a webcam or anything? I don't know if they need to see your face in order to do a proper job.

Nope! I worked with two different online therapists and both used very low-tech chat windows similar to Skype but without the video interface. As long as you have a good connection and are able to type fairly quickly, you should be fine. I know there are others out there who will do Skype sessions. Maybe that's something you could work up to.

[Adrexolai]

Nope! I worked with two different online therapists and both used very low-tech chat windows similar to Skype but without the video interface. As long as you have a good connection and are able to type fairly quickly, you should be fine. I know there are others out there who will do Skype sessions. Maybe that's something you could work up to.

Oh yes, definitely, that does sound really ideal o__o
I already vent all my dirty laundry to a few friends over skype, so I'm comfortable with doing that. Will have to look at the costs, hopefully they aren't really pricey. This seems like a good door to open..
I hope it's alright if I ask this question: was it at all like a, for lack of better word, "audition"? I have many major worries, and one of the earlier ones I have to face is this. Whether or not they will think I "qualify" for the letter. Do I have anything to worry about with this?

[Bimmer Guy]

Hey, Adrexolai,

I hear you having a hard time getting out of the house and I am hearing some good advice from folks.  Just as an aside, if you are able to get out, you might want to consider going to the Department of Social Services.  You will then be able to get Medicaid (insurance) and food stamps. 

Although I don't believe there is any state Medicaid that will pay for online/telephone therapy, perhaps your parents will be able to pay for the therapy sessions if you are contributing to the family with food stamps.  Around here, a young single adult who lives with there parents get at least $200 per month.


Good luck to you.

[Adrexolai]

Hey, Adrexolai,

I hear you having a hard time getting out of the house and I am hearing some good advice from folks.  Just as an aside, if you are able to get out, you might want to consider going to the Department of Social Services.  You will then be able to get Medicaid (insurance) and food stamps. 

Although I don't believe there is any state Medicaid that will pay for online/telephone therapy, perhaps your parents will be able to pay for the therapy sessions if you are contributing to the family with food stamps.  Around here, a young single adult who lives with there parents get at least $200 per month.


Good luck to you.

Well, my parents make enough to where we don't need foodstamps, and I plan to pay most of this out of pocket by taking some online jobs and selling art commissions - I succeeded in paying the bills last year with art commissions alone, so I think I can rake in a few hundred a month if I really buckle down + whatever I could make in other online jobs; I can type crazy fast so any place that needs someone to type stuff out in a timely manner could be my calling lol - but I plan to discuss the healthcare situation with them to lessen the cost a bit. However, depending on how many places I'd have to go, I may opt not to for a bit. It's probably a bit pathetic but just stepping outside in my own back yard gives me a nasty feeling in itself.

But, my family always finds a way to get stuff done, so an ideal solution might be laying around.

This is all helpful advice though, so thank you

[Axis Langton]

Hey, my situation is very similar to yours. I would say feel free to PM me if you would like support, but there is a restriction on PM under a  certain amount of posts.

I am also agoraphobic, with BPD, dependent personality disorder, separation anxiety, general anxiety, depression, the works, I also have no job and I'm quite obviously female in sex (the extra weight does not help one bit).

You're not alone in this.

Oh woah, woah! I'm from southwestern ohio too!

If you're interested in talking we can add each other on skype

I also do some art on the side :3 edit: definitely not at your level though, holy crap. Your art is beautiful.

[Tentacles]

Hey there,

I'm not sure about the US because I don't live there, but in my country, the job of the gender therapist is basically to make sure that trans people won't regret their decision if they choose to start making changes to their bodies with hormones or surgeries. This, because the suicide rate of trans people is very high, and because suicide among youths is very costly for the government (because they won't be able to contribute with taxes when they are dead). Thus it is a good thing for the government if trans people get the treatment they need instead of killing themselves, but not if the treatment is being regretted, possibly leading to suicide. If you see a gender therapist I recommend you showing them that not only are you informed about what you want to get into but also confident in your decision. It is probably good if you can present yourself as mentally and emotionally stable, though if your agoraphobia is due to you being trans I doubt that mentioning that is going to work against you. I don't think you should worry about not being 'manly enough'. I worried about that too when I went to a gender therapist and I'm sure it's common. That being said, it probably won't hurt flaunting your manlier sides. I hope it will work out for you.

[Mariah]

Hi Tentacles, welcome to Susan's. I look forward to seeing you around the site. Good luck and hugs
Mariah


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Hey there,

I'm not sure about the US because I don't live there, but in my country, the job of the gender therapist is basically to make sure that trans people won't regret their decision if they choose to start making changes to their bodies with hormones or surgeries. This, because the suicide rate of trans people is very high, and because suicide among youths is very costly for the government (because they won't be able to contribute with taxes when they are dead). Thus it is a good thing for the government if trans people get the treatment they need instead of killing themselves, but not if the treatment is being regretted, possibly leading to suicide. If you see a gender therapist I recommend you showing them that not only are you informed about what you want to get into but also confident in your decision. It is probably good if you can present yourself as mentally and emotionally stable, though if your agoraphobia is due to you being trans I doubt that mentioning that is going to work against you. I don't think you should worry about not being 'manly enough'. I worried about that too when I went to a gender therapist and I'm sure it's common. That being said, it probably won't hurt flaunting your manlier sides. I hope it will work out for you.

[FTMax]

Tentacles - The government in the US doesn't really have anything to do with transitioning, aside from performing name changes and updating everything on the legal end. Gender therapists are just regular therapists who have experience working with trans clients, who typically have the know-how to write referral letters and make transitioning easier than if you were to go to a regular therapist, who may not understand gender issues or may not know who to refer you to.

Adrexolai, you don't need to put on an act or say any key phrases/buzz words when you're talking to a professional. There is no common narrative among trans people. Just tell them how you feel, how long you've felt that way, and what you think would help you.

[Adrexolai]

Axis Langton: I have no idea what all is going on with my brain really, because I've never been to a doctor for this stuff. Just self-diagnosed agoraphobia because well... obvious reasons. xD
It's really relieving to know there's someone pretty close in situation as I am, and in the same area too. I'm also glad nobody has told me to "just go out and get a job"; I'm so used to people telling me that and then I'd have to wrestle them into understanding why that was not an option.
I'm cool with talking on skype - though this potato computer won't take calls or videos ( I don't have a webcam anyway, plus I'm way not comfortable with my face and voice xD ), this stupid thing will implode if I try any of that.
My skype is Tetraethyl
Add the one that's just plain Tetreathyl with a drawn guy with blue hair in the avi, not the one with the name Cage in it. I've had like 5 skypes and some of them had similar names.
Forgive me if I'm nervous for a bit, though. >__>
Thank you, about the art. I try xD

Tentacles: I'm hoping the ones here are like that. Sounds nice that they kinda give a crap, even if it's for a.. sort of warped reason as tax money, lol
But yeah, I like to go in fairly informed so I'm not driving the train blind so to speak. Hence why I want to look up therapists and treatments and whatnot pretty early. I don't even have any money saved yet.

ftmax: There are so many online therapists to look at ( all with rates that make my head spin lol ), would you have any recommendations for one? Sorry about my many questions

[FTMax]

ftmax: There are so many online therapists to look at ( all with rates that make my head spin lol ), would you have any recommendations for one? Sorry about my many questions[/size]

I have worked directly with two, and contacted another for a consultation. These are all online.

Melissa Leonhardt - She was my first stop. It took her about a week to reply to me, but she seemed to have really good reviews online. She uses a text based chat. At the time, she could only schedule biweekly for $40/session. I told her up front that I was looking for a referral for top surgery. We had 3 sessions that kind of dragged on and on, didn't cover too much ground. I asked her after the third session if she could give me an ETA on a referral so that I could start scheduling consults for surgery. She refused, said it was impossible to estimate, and that I didn't need a letter prior to my surgery date. I fired her immediately and I would not recommend her to anyone.

Michelle O'Mara - I contacted Michelle at the advice of another member here. She got back to me immediately and was extremely helpful. She offered to get me a letter within 4 sessions at $125/session. If you are looking to Skype with someone, I'd recommend her.

Graham Peveller - I had emailed Graham at the same time I emailed Michelle. He also uses a text based chat, though I think he will go on Skype with you if you request it. He offered to do a package deal for my surgery letter, which was 6 sessions for $320. We actually only did 3 sessions before he wrote my letter, and he has offered to help with my letter for bottom surgery as well. I believe an individual session with him costs $50. The only hang up here is that he is in the UK, so depending on your time zone, you may need to wake up early/stay up late/clear off an afternoon in order to meet with him. His letter is still valid in the US, and I found it very easy to talk to him. If you're not looking to use a webcam, he gets my vote.

[Adrexolai]

ftmax: Thanks, this helps a lot, and seems pretty affordable in comparison to what I found on my own. Gives me a good estimation in what I need to save up for the first steps. I have a very flexible sleeping schedule, so Peveller sounds like a good deal, both financially and personally.
Finally this is looking very doable.. Kind of looking forward to the future now

[Arch]

My hands are killing me today, so I can't write much. Nero did online therapy with Peveller; you might hunt up Nero's old posts. I remember that he recommended this practitioner. Nero also lived in Ohio for a long time, but I'm not sure who did his top surgery.

Also, another top surgeon is in Illinois if you want localish options. His name is Steinwald. I don't know anything about him. But if you are willing to cross state lines, do hunt around and see what you can see.

Definitely head on over to the FTM sections and pump us for info. Top surgery tends to be expensive any way you slice it; however, if you have the help and support of your parents, you are actually very fortunate. If you want a chance at a more typical life, top surgery might enable you to get it.

I didn't transition until later in life, but I became progressively less willing to leave the house, especially alone. It was hard going for years. So I've had a tiny glimpse into what you must be experiencing. But transitioning changed a lot of that for me. I'm still an introvert, but I can move freely about in society and get things done. What a freaking relief. And I used to be much more dependent on my then-partner for a lot of things, but I'm now single and self-supporting, and I'm working on my crap through therapy. Again, the road hasn't been easy, and I've needed years to get to this point, but it can be done.

[Adrexolai]

Arch: I'll definitely be looking around at top surgeons and also whatever I need for HRT ( which is a definite for me, as I cannot pass for crap without it. I'm one of those baby-faced ones lol ), but Medalie seems like such a good one as I've looked around here. It doesn't even matter to me that he's fairly expensive, I'll just work really hard to save for it, no matter how long it takes me. Shouldn't be more than a couple years.
Yeah, it's almost too good to be true how fortunate I am to have really supportive parents. I'm running all the information I'm getting here, by my mom, who is the best at understanding technical financial crap that just goes right over my head. She's going to help me keep myself in line. xD
While my dad is still having a bit of trouble dealing with this, it seems like less about me being a dude and changing, and more about me needing surgeries and medical treatment. It's going to be so awkward afterward, lol
Can deal with that when there's the future where I can be happy with myself and go outside and be me finally. Been getting gradually more and more excited since I joined here and found all this information. Seems not at all as horrible or hopeless as I've been thinking it was.
For once in my life, I actually think it's going to be worth living.
I don't even care how hard it is or how long it will take, as long as I can get there, I'm going to do it. All the stuff needed to be done seems like a piece of cake in comparison to how crappy I've felt up until now. Side effects and recoveries are nothing pfff. Bring it.

[Axis Langton]

I'm looking at doing online therapy with Peveller, also. He was very pleasant in our email exchange, even though I can't afford it right now