Finally Did it! Came out to my Wife. Now what's next?

[Jacqueline]

Greetings all,

I am not giddy but I am relieved. This morning I came out (about being transgender MTF) to my wife. I was full of stress all night before. It went far better than I anticipated.

She encouraged me to see a therapist a year ago. I have been having problems for awhile. I finally went this past January when I realized that I was technically a closeted cross dresser. Long journey in a short time and I had been dreading telling her.

I tried to just give a shortened version of just facts and how far back it went in my life. Then I said, "I have been asking all the questions alone and trying to make decisions. Now I want us to try to decide together how to progress". Her first response was, "I am so proud of you for going through all this, I am glad you are getting to the bottom of your issues but I don't really know what that means." So I backed up to see what she was aware of as far as sexual orientation, gender identification, public presentation, I think she is okay on the biological and chromasomal level. She just seemed relieved that I had found a source and seemed very sad at all of the lonely paths that we all tend to travel to get to this point.

I know it is the first day and it may take a few more days for it to really sink in but it is a huge step for me. She asked if there were any changes I felt needed to be made right away, how far I thought I had to take this to feel more at ease with myself. If there were minor, less public, steps to be tried. If I still wanted to be married (not in a threatening tone). I explained that I am still exploring. I don't know how far I need to go. I plan to try to take this a little slower than the past 5 months (although maybe faster than the past 50 years).  Mentioned that I did want to be married to her but was concerned about how any path would effect her or our three teen daughters. I said that I knew she was not a lesbian. She said, "No I am not," she stopped then added, "but when you have loved someone as long as we have, it is not this (pointing at my body) it is the person..." She kind left that unanswered and hanging, then jumped to one of the paradoxes that seem to permeate labeling within the trans community. She said, "But doesn't that mean you're gay? If you are a girl inside but you love and want to stay with me?" I laughed and said that is a rabbit hole that is fine to go down if you want a philosophical debate but... She finished that saying  "it doesn't really matter unless you have to live by labels". My God, what a relief.

As I said earlier and to her. I am not sure where we will end up. From some of her questions, I think she is a little worried I will go public in a brash stroke I might regret for myself, my girls and she. I let her know I was very aware of how much of this would effect my family. Don't know if this might be an issue for the future, how fast or far to travel? I am thinking for now, I will be underdressing, looking into electrolysis  and seeing if HRT is a path. I am aware of most of the long term effects from HRT but need to see if that is something that would be helpful for me and if my SO would be cool with it. I did bring it up but she has no clear idea of it all yet. The key many of you suggested was patience. That seems true to this entire journey.

I wanted to take a moment to publicly thank everyone for their kind, thoughtful, thought provoking, supportive and encouraging posts to all of my questions. Without all of your help, suggestions and what feels like loving posts, this could have been a disaster.

Now, I have to keep exploring, trying to dig up more past, dream of our future, and figure out how far to take this. So, undoubtedly, I will be leaning on the family here again to help keep me balanced and informed.

With love and gratitude,

Joanna

[Eveline]

...  Mentioned that I did want to be married to her but was concerned about how any path would effect her or our three teen daughters. I said that I knew she was not a lesbian. She said, "No I am not," she stopped then added, "but when you have loved someone as long as we have, it is not this (pointing at my body) it is the person..."  ...

Congratulations, Joanna! It sounds like you both handled a difficult discussion very well.

I especially like you wife's comment above. Very sweet.

[Ms Grace]

That's great - it's always good to get it off your chest. Just keep in mind that for many people as they digest the news they may go through several stages of response trying to figure out what it ultimately means for them, for you and for you both. Some partners can struggle despite apparent initial acceptance, hopefully that won't be what happens with you but just keep in mind you may need to help guide her through the process too. All the best.

[katrinaw]

Wow congratulations Joanna, such good news and a great reaction.

So happy for you.

L Katy 

[Lady Smith]

Congratulations Joanna, I'm so glad that it went well.

[JoanneB]

You actually got some sleep last night   

This is great news Joanna and such a great relief for you. Fortunately you did not have to drop the T-Bomb out of a bright clear blue sky so your wife had some time to mull over a lot of the possibilities while giving you some space to sort things out. I kind of doubt you were proceeding along at too fast of a pace these past few months, if you were I am sure your wife would have let it be known.

I have often noted that the "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead" attitude some have after coming out to a spouse is a big relationship killer. My wife was (and still is) worried about me suddenly "changing teams".  Initially it was her sense of betrayal, her hot button issue, that drove it. Still some 6 years later she is still waiting "For the other shoe to drop". More so today is the absolute belief she has in just how far over to the female end of the spectrum I am and where my true joy lies. (provided I can have it all. the big thing holding me back). TBH, a B cup does help foster that opinion.

Baby Steps & One Day at a Time.  I am perhaps more guilty then most at wanting to predict and have control of the future (aka outcomes). It's the engineer in me. It took years to loose that need for total control. Faith in myself and faith in God keeps me going.

After each and every step together time is your ally. The reality of each as it slowly sinks in can change ones feelings about it. An emotional roller coaster ride is likely. But do keep in mind when people are scared, emotions run wild and any to all filtering is turned off. Both yours and others. I've had a lot of WTF am I doing meltdowns. Thankfully my Reality Therapist(s) were there for me when I needed them

What has helped immensely with my marriage are the totally honest and open conversations  we need to have. Something I was absolutely new to. Knowing the love my wife and I have for each other helped a lot when something was said that hurt. And to just let her get the rest out and hopefully the true point (she can be tangental when scared/nervous) rather then taking things totally off track.

Tons of questions about the future are to be expected along with plenty of questions you simply cannot answer today. And there will be plenty of questions that the answer to can and will change as time goes by and you open yourself up to yourself. When we keep things buried deeply, it is surprising what also gets tossed into that same hole as the dirt gets shoveled in. Again, this is where plenty of the open and honest conversations are needed vs the 800 lb gorilla in the room approach where imaginations are allowed run wild. A good time for these my wife and I sort of developed is not long after my support group meeting and after the therapist. It helps keep her in the loop while her emotions are hightened and you both get to share in part some of the unfiltered feelings you have comming out from it.

[CassieG]

Dear Joanna

Congratulations. and WOW I am full of admiration for the way in which your wife reacted.

As everyone says here: whilst is feels like the cork is off, take it easy. Don't overburden her although you may feel a desperate need too. Ratchet up the communication to MAXIMUM!

It sounds like a really promising start.

LCx

[Rachel]

Congratulations

Your wife reacted very well. I agree, keep communication open and perhaps add in some reading material.

[iKate]

Joanna,

I have to say that your wife seemed to be taking it pretty well. Congratulations on getting it off your chest. I wish you only the best and I do hope both of you can work it out.

In my case I got a bad reaction right off the bat, endless accusations of betrayal and "I'm not a lesbian" over and over. This despite almost 10 years of marriage. We still have 3 kids to co parent though so even though we may split sooner or later I want to be a major part of their lives.

[ChiGirl]

Sounds like a success, Joanna.  Hugs!

[Jacqueline]

Thanks all,

Yes, the note that many are adding about taking it easy seems very wise. She is still working through it. We had another conversation last night and revisited some of what I had said originally. Not a surprise. As I mentioned in another post, I have been working through this idea(actively) for nearly 5 months. She has now had 2 days.

Joanna

[synesthetic]

congrats Joanna!

that's awesome news, I'm hoping everything keeps going well with you (and your wife!)

[Jacqueline]

Happy Tuesday all,

Just had to share.

I was out with my SO. I made a surprised comment about the fact that she had pockets in these cute shorts she was wearing. We were at a bar with lot of people around. She waited a beat, then said, "Better stick to boy's clothes if you want pockets." Then winked. I'm sure we are only at the beginning of this journey and she feels a little unsure but at least our senses of humour are starting to blossom.

Joanna

[Jennygirl]

This is great news, Joanna!

Just a word to the wise, take as few liberties with her initial acceptance as you can- especially during these early days where she is still putting the puzzle pieces together. She might not yet see the full picture that lies ahead.

Little humorous comments from her like that are a wonderful, fantastic sign. That said, try not to let it go to your head- as hard as it may be. There are so many parts to a relationship, and transitioning at the same time is hard because if not kept in check it can take over pretty rapidly. It is so important to continue being an amazing spouse for her completely outside of gender related issues and excitements. I guess what I am trying to say is: find a balance between giving her plenty of time to digest in her own head and keeping it active so that she doesn't think you've changed your mind. It's a balancing act that nobody but you will know how to perform, because you know her best. Nightly talks may be too much or too little, that all depends on how you read her emotions in days to come.

It might be a good time to seek other avenues of support, as well. A therapist seems like a wonderful idea because you don't want to lean on her so much that it takes away from the relationship- nor do you want it to saturate your entire being together. At the same time, she might need support of her own- and the unbiased opinion of a professional helper is sometimes best for that.

Susan's is a great route for support for you, but what it lacks is face to face interaction as well as confidential support for her. Always try to remember that, and I wish you the best of luck as things continue to blossom!

[Jacqueline]

Jennygirl and others,

Great advice. I appreciate your time and candor. I do recognize some of the things you mentioned as possible paths that this journey could go down:
-the fact that it is all still being pieced together
-balance and not back sliding but not pushing too fast too hard
-trying to make sure she has resources to turn to, therapist, sites like this one, reading
-just steady as one goes
-keep my therapy sessions going and for me evaluate if I need to switch from a general therapist to gender specific


I know I keep saying it but I can't thank you all enough. It feels like an encouraging embrace and with confidence to be able to keep communications going as well as continuing my journey. While I have made some fairly big decisions, there is still so much to be worked through.

With all my heartfelt thanks,
Joanna

[JoanneB]

Jennygirl and others,

Great advice. I appreciate your time and candor. I do recognize some of the things you mentioned as possible paths that this journey could go down:
-the fact that it is all still being pieced together
-balance and not back sliding but not pushing too fast too hard
-trying to make sure she has resources to turn to, therapist, sites like this one, reading
-just steady as one goes
-keep my therapy sessions going and for me evaluate if I need to switch from a general therapist to gender specific


I know I keep saying it but I can't thank you all enough. It feels like an encouraging embrace and with confidence to be able to keep communications going as well as continuing my journey. While I have made some fairly big decisions, there is still so much to be worked through.

With all my heartfelt thanks,
Joanna

Depending on where you live there may be a spouse support group. Or, a plain ole TG support group may have spouses that do there own get together or keep in contact

[Melanie CT]

Congratulations Joanna
I read a good book Head Over Heels. It's about wives who stayed with their spouses through cross dressing and full transition. It gave a good perspective of what the wives are thinking and go through. The stories were written by the wives. It helped me understand what my wife may be thinking and going through.
It's a good read
Melanie


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[Jacqueline]

JoanneB and MelanieCT,

Both seem like good suggestions. I have not reached out to any local groups in person yet. Just digitally so far. Not sure if my wife would want to go in person yet, maybe after it has all become more settled. However, she is an avid reader. I had also heard of that book. Sounds like a good bet.

Thanks so much,

Joanna

[Jenna Marie]

Wow, it seems like she's taking it well so far! That's a great sign. You clearly know to take it slow and communicate a lot, and as long as the two of you are still in love and willing to work at the marriage there's a very good chance you'll come through this together.

My wife has been doing partner outreach for years now, and she's been featured in a new book called _Love Always_ by Transgress Press. She says that the one caveat about _Head over Heels__ is it's mostly depressing stories; there aren't a lot of happy endings, especially for spouses who go on to transition (as opposed to cross-dressers). Most of those wives who were quoted in _Head over Heels__ eventually leave. In reality the latest study shows that about half of those relationships with a trans partner do survive.

You could suggest that your wife poke her head in to the SO's section here, where there are quite a few resources even if the message board thing doesn't work for her. Oh, and Helen Boyd runs a different message board that primarily supports partners, as well as having written two books and a blog.

[KristinaM]

Both seem like good suggestions. I have not reached out to any local groups in person yet. Just digitally so far. Not sure if my wife would want to go in person yet, maybe after it has all become more settled. However, she is an avid reader. I had also heard of that book. Sounds like a good bet.

I'd recommend reaching out to your local LGBT center and see if they have any Trans support groups or social gatherings.  I've been going to mine (only twice so far), and it's been a great place to test the waters with my dress and makeup skills, or lack thereof.

You will probably also find that they have a support group for significant others, friends, family and allies of trans people.  My wife has been going to a therapist this past month, but will be attending her first trans family support group this weekend.  Your wife could probably benefit from both a support group and therapy as well.  But let her engage them at her own pace, no need to rush it on her.  Just present her with the info you find online or pamphlets you might can pickup in person at the center.

GOOD LUCK!  We need it.