Not recognizing yourself

[doctorinkwell]

Whenever I look into the mirror, see a photo of myself, or hear my own voice, there's an unshakable feeling that all of it is not mine. Trying to explain this feeling to others has been really hard.

These sunken eyes, sharp cheeks, muscle-y body, and lanky limbs are all incongruent with something deep down.

So, I was born male, and when I started to seriously question my gender identity, that feeling of not recognizing myself just got worse.

This is more of an opportunity to say this to someone else than just my parents and hear if anyone else has felt something similar. Has anyone not been able to recognize themselves?

- Sam

[transparentgingersnap]

Yes, although before I knew it was about specific things, I felt detached from my whole self.  Now that I know specifically what is wrong, I view my self as a whole much better, and the detachment is localized.  I did before, and still do but less now, look in the mirror frequently enough to rival Narcissus to remember exactly what I look like for that reason.

[sam1234]

Its not a feeling that someone who hadn't been there would understand. Not the same as looking in the mirror and not liking your nose or your hair etc. I used to spend hours drawing pictures of myself  on the back of a horse and as time went on, my physique became more and more male. I'd crumple the paper up and fill cans of those pictures. I wanted to draw myself completely as a male but was afraid one of my parents would find the drawings and think I was weird.

I think its a common feeling for people like us, but unless you have made contact with another, you think you are alone and have no idea what is happening.

sam1234

[Zedan]

I have to admit I'm going through something quite like your condition, except it's in my head. The masculine aspects of my personality, they're just so alien to me that I gave a separate name, Zed. As for my body, only my face, that's not me, that's just Z and his stupid looking under-bite. The only thing I have been only to control the separation really is write about the real me, live the life on paper if not real life (random scrawling' a note book are easy to explain away). Oh and distracting myself with ungodly amounts of music.
I know it probably wont help any but hey, you're not alone.                                                         

[doctorinkwell]

Yes, although before I knew it was about specific things, I felt detached from my whole self.  Now that I know specifically what is wrong, I view my self as a whole much better, and the detachment is localized.  I did before, and still do but less now, look in the mirror frequently enough to rival Narcissus to remember exactly what I look like for that reason.

That detachment is certainly familiar. I've felt for a long time but was never able to specifically pin it down. However, now that I know, it's a bit harder. I'm happy for you that it's gotten better!

I have to admit I'm going through something quite like your condition, except it's in my head. The masculine aspects of my personality, they're just so alien to me that I gave a separate name, Zed. As for my body, only my face, that's not me, that's just Z and his stupid looking under-bite. The only thing I have been only to control the separation really is write about the real me, live the life on paper if not real life (random scrawling' a note book are easy to explain away). Oh and distracting myself with ungodly amounts of music.
I know it probably wont help any but hey, you're not alone.                                                         

I understand what you're saying. There are aspects, not just physically, that seem so foreign about myself. Writing about it is something that helps me as well ~ and tons of music, too However, I feel these are all ways of disassociating us further from ourselves, which can be an escape and comforting, but doesn't help with the over-arching problem. I just hope there's one day where we don't have to use these escape mechanisms as much.

- Sam

[catandry]

i completely understand where you are coming from. born female and am identifying male currently, while i am trying to find my "look" for my male identity i find myself frustrated because i don't look like the men i admire or associate with. as a female, all vanity aside i find myself quite attractive because i favor make up, but as a male i don't wear any, only the make up required to make me more masculine looking. when i look in the mirror i still see a female and that's super hard when i feel far from it. especially when everything changes when i switch to my male side, mannerisms, voice, energy but face and body don't follow...can get very very frustrating. so, i feel you. i just try to do the best i can to remind myself that i am who i am and i need to just own it. 

[doctorinkwell]

i completely understand where you are coming from. born female and am identifying male currently, while i am trying to find my "look" for my male identity i find myself frustrated because i don't look like the men i admire or associate with. as a female, all vanity aside i find myself quite attractive because i favor make up, but as a male i don't wear any, only the make up required to make me more masculine looking. when i look in the mirror i still see a female and that's super hard when i feel far from it. especially when everything changes when i switch to my male side, mannerisms, voice, energy but face and body don't follow...can get very very frustrating. so, i feel you. i just try to do the best i can to remind myself that i am who i am and i need to just own it. 

I feel ya. It's not a feeling of repulsion to my born-self, but frustration. I feel I have a fairly nice male body (Actually, I look a lot like Matt Smith), and I don't find myself ugly, but trying to find a look that doesn't feel alien is tough and frustrating. But yes, we are who we are, and we just need to own it. It's more fun that way

- Sam

[Majj Wynn]

Not alone..

I ponder a lot about who I really am. I have no definite answer..
We all go so much deeper than appearance.
To me it makes total sense to not feel like how we look (in the mirror). It's obvious, but I know it's weird to others, and maybe I don't totally understand anymore how to see myself normally, but I don't regret it. Simply speaking, I am not my body. I am the operator of this body. How could my body ever reflect who I am?

I know that how I see myself with this body is only one way of conceiving of my self-identity. And frankly it doesn't feel like me. Can some surgery and make up help some with that? Yes. But even then it won't reflect who I really am. 

I am who I am. And my heart knows better than the default appearance (And gender) I happened to have from birth.
And I have lots more to discover. I like finding out more, and I may not have a body that reflects that, but my imagination is a good temporary realm for that

[catandry]

i think the most important thing to realize is that everyone no matter what gender has issues with their bodies. if we could only all realize we are so much more than our bodies it wouldn't matter so much. unfortunately, it isn't always that easy, and i know first hand. i hope anyone struggling can find the strength within themselves to understand that they are beautiful no matter what. own who you are regardless of what gender you were born as, that doesn't mean that your maker was right or that you feel connected to your assigned birth gender and that's ok. i feel connected to both and that's ok too. what if gender didn't exist? think about how you might feel then. what if no one cared about body parts or image? how would any of us feel then? i hope all of us can remember how special and unique we are, there is literally NO ONE else in this world like you or me. i think that's pretty incredible.

-Ry