I am new here to the site, and thought I would introduce myself.
I am currently 47 years old, and going through an odd and scary time now. When I was young (male), I lived with my volatile mother, and 2 older sisters, no father. I had no male role model in my life, and thus was around female family alone. I had a rough childhood, having been in the foster care system for a time. I was abused by my oldest sister, and lived in fear of my mothers erratic and volatile temper.
At various times in my life I was bullied and beat up. Also, there were times that I felt like I was just not right, there was something wrong with me. When I was 3 I had a habit of stealing panties and wearing them. 3 years old! Before I had any inkling of gender identity. Though I was raised male. When I was around 10-11 years old, I would steal my mothers panties or panty hose and wear them in secret. And various times as I grew older I did the same secretly.
I have been seeing a therapist specializing in alternative lifestyles for the last year or 2, and only recently discovered a very definite female side to me. From our sessions, it seems that when I was bullied at so young an age, and abused by family, that I over compensated my male traits as a defense mechanism. It started in earnest when I was 16 and was beat up in a totally 1 sided fight. 5 of them on 1 of me. I promised myself I would never go through that again and really worked on being a "man". I joined the Army, got into martial arts, did all kinds of dangerous things that were dominated by males. I completely buried ANY hint of weakness or female aspects of myself. This I have come to believe was purely a defense mechanism due to the things that happened to me while I was younger.
Recently, my wife and I have been playing forced fem games, and created, "Princess" as a sissy persona. Very much the sissy slut. But out of that came what was called my, "passable side". I insisted on my make up being a certain way, my female clothes being a certain way, and insisted on being, "passable" in public. I began looking at my body and thinking of how I would like it to be. I decided I would love to have breasts (real ones) and spoke at length to my wife and therapist about this new aspect of my life. I have never been happy with my male parts, always thinking them substandard in performance, size, etc, and firmly believed females got so much more out of sex. My sex life with me wife was really bad, which is why I started seeing the therapist. I did not respond to the standard male arousal patterns, always seeking more of chastity play, being penetrated rather than doing the penetrating, being very submissive and passive rather than taking charge as a man would.
My therapist thinks that because of the over compensation of my male traits, I buried any sign of weakness, and that I see my female traits and yearnings as being a weakness, and thus never really knew about the female side of me. But with the recent games my wife and I have been playing, it is exploding to the forefront, as I finally had a place I felt safe and was able to relax and let down my guard. But my genitals really knew what was going on, if not me knowing.
At any rate, I am now on a journey of self exploration, trying to learn about this feminine side of me. At the initial look and discussion with my therapist, she believes I am a bi-sexual female in a male body. I am rather confused at that as I am not attracted to men in general, and am absolutely attracted to women. So maybe the bi part is on reference to me being a woman attracted to women, I don't know. But with this new side of me coming out, I have been extremely eager to explore it, maybe even over eager. Such as the having breasts. I would love to get on hormones and grow my own! But I do not really know if that is because I am a woman at heart? Or something in between? Whether I SHOULD consider hormones or is this just a passing kink as I am prone to have?
I have bought new female clothes, and tend to wear them around the house, and at times out in public. My wife and I recently went out with 2 of her female friends. One of them is TG and has scheduled her GRS surgery, having lived as a woman, and been on hormones for 3 years. It felt great to be around them as a woman, even though I am not very passable at 6 foot 245 lbs. I did catch a few guys staring at me trying to make up their minds. It was a great night, with a hilarious ending. We were leaving the restaurant and was driving through the parking lot when we came to a car that was on fire. It had flames dripping out under the hood behind the headlights and the front bumper was burning. Evidently the owner left lights on and locked their doors and left, and the hot headlights caught the wiring on fire and went from there. For the last year or so, I have been doing a lot of off-roading, and tend to carry safety equipment with me. So when we happened on this burning car with a crowd of people standing around watching and filming on their phones, we all jumped out of the truck, and I retrieved the fire extinguisher from under the seat, and proceeded to put out this car fire before the fire dept arrived. When I was done, I realized I did all of this dressed as a woman for the first time in public, and had every eye there on me, and I am sure no small number of phones recording for you-tube. So I quickly jumped back in the truck and loaded up my crew of girls and started to drive off when a bystander shouted out a thank you to me for putting out the fire. I blushed and smiled and nodded my head and drove home to enjoy the rest of the night.
I still am not sure what exactly I am. Jumping into action and putting out the fire was a very male response, and is my typical behavior, but these feminine feelings, urges, and behaviors are very strong, and insistent. It should be an interesting next few months as we establish whatever path I will take in life. Wish me luck.
Torie
