Why is it so hard to come out to people?

[iKate]

Today I came out to someone I thought knew already - our department coordinator who is also the CTO's assistant (CTO is my boss's boss). Apparently her boss didn't tell her.

So basically we were talking about summer. She said she is going on a trip to Israel. I said that sounds exciting. She asked what I was doing. I said I was going away but it's not a vacation. She said that I took off 9 days, that looks like a vacation? I eventually told her why I was taking off and that i am trans and transitioning. She said it must be really hard but she supports me in any way. I said thanks.

But it was really hard to tell her. I don't know why, but it's just so hard. I present male at work by the way, but more in an androgynous manner and will be FT next month. But my hair is longer, my face has changed and I don't have much facial hair. This was a pretty drastic change for me at work since I was a "brogrammer with a beard." A few people have asked questions about my hair, weight loss and different look and vendors sometimes gender me female but most of my colleagues are startlingly oblivious to me it seems. 

But it's just really hard and I have this fear of telling people. Why?

I'm also more afraid of telling guys than I am telling women. I dunno, I guess I just fear the ridicule and I feel women would be more understanding since I'm actually one of them?

[Ms Grace]

That's whyi decided to tell most of my colleagues at the same time, gets it out of the way in one hit!

I think it depends on the person you're telling, for most of the people I know I figured they'd be cool with me but there were a few people I felt strangely scared poopless of telling.

It's probably because it is something very personal and talking about it can make us feel vulnerable.

[Laura_7]

You might simply be sensitive.

Imo women are more likely to react emotionally, showing empathy etc.

You might simply try to convey your needs and be yourself.


hugs

[iKate]

I'm actually at the place where I am holding off telling people until I go FT. However at work I wanted to make sure a few key people know, namely my team (I am the team lead), my boss, HR and the GM/CTO. I honestly thought his assistant knew. She didn't so I outed myself unnecessarily.

But it's cool.

There are a few people I'm afraid of telling and won't tell in advance mainly because they're extremely nosy and chauvinist. It's not like I can't handle them but I don't want bad blood in the office.

[Valwen]

a few months ago I made a rule, Come out to at least one new person each week until i go full time or run out of people who I know even remotely well who don't know. On the one hand it can be very difficult and nerve wracking on the other it really dose get easier over time and has made me more comfortable talking about my issues, likely too comfortable as I occasionally talk about things most people don't want or need to know, like the status of my nipples :-)

[Ashey]

Lol, I have the opposite problem. I often feel like telling everyone I come across but I have to keep it all under wraps because my boyfriend wants me to be stealth. :/ Sometimes I feel like things would be easier if people knew, like certain small awkward moments could be avoided if I was out. When I first started transitioning I told everyone I could think of, including childhood friends. Haha, I'm still occasionally finding old friends on Facebook that I tell. Most people don't treat me any different so I feel like it'd be fine if I kept outing myself. But there was this one incident where I told my roommate and didn't tell my boyfriend that I was going to tell her. She was fine with it, but then she started asking him if he was gay or something and that ended up really bothering him. Caused a lil friction between us, so now he wants to be consulted first before I out myself to anyone that we both know... Idk, it's all rather frustrating, and sometimes I hate keeping it all a secret. Sure being stealth is desirable in many situations, but not all. Not for me. Sorry, I think that just became a rant.

[Felix]

Telling people sometimes goes really wrong, and you never can be sure who will be cool and who will try to turn your head inside out with their own beliefs about who you are.

[barbie]

It is very natural that you fear of revealing your inner self to others, worrying about possible consequences at your work place. Of course, it can be negative, but people are far more flexible than I initially thought. They just need enough time.

I do not tell so much. I just wear what I want to wear.

And I finally realized that my acquaintances watch me far more than I watch myself everyday. They actually have been more adapted to my new image than myself. This is the same to my students. Nowadays I wear miniskirt during the class I am teaching.

Facebook is a great place for coming out to your colleagues and friends. Interestingly, women tend to post replies to my post on beauty/fashion photos, while men on politics and science.



barbie~~

[Rachel]

When I first started coming out I planned it with my 1st gender therapist. There were rules, I needed to gain agency and I had to have a benefit else do not come out. The first 5 to 10 people are important because they are your inner circle. After that it gets easier.

Yes, telling most woman is easier than most guys.

Last week the guy with the office next to me stopped me and said I need to ask you a few questions. He has been saying that for months. He asked if I was gay and I said no. Then he asked if I was going to have a sex change. I said I do not know. Then we had the conversation. He was very cool and said no matter what he would still support and love me. Then he went into how difficult it must have been all these years. It felt really good

My plan is to have a critical mass of informed supportive co-workers for when I come out in mass at work. I will come out when I benefit from the disclosure and/or need to explain a change.

[acd_92]

I told my closest friend at her New Year's party, and she was slightly shocked, but she's told me now that she's had a chance to think through things, she realized it was "pretty obvious". She was lovely about it all and actually told her whole friend circle for me, and from there word naturally spread. You just really have to set your own boundaries and do what you're most comfortable with.

[Mariah]

This

It's probably because it is something very personal and talking about it can make us feel vulnerable.

Anytime we open ourselves up to being hurt it becomes so much more difficult to do.
Mariah

[Tessa James]

Telling our true story can expose us to all kinds of responses and we are quite vulnerable.  The vast majority of people I came out to were accepting and my vulnerability actually allowed many to share some personal truths as well.  I used to start out with; "I know what I look like but that is not who I am"  The first few times i cried so much i could hardly finish.

I think guys can be harder to tell for us because we may have internalized some of the constant transphobia and misogyny BS that suggests women are worth less than men and trans women are only good for porno.  I worried that some men would look down on me and true enough some were uncomfortable and made dumb jokes like; "well get in the kitchen and make me something then."

Coming down a notch by our own hand may be how some guys understand this.  And still the truth will set us free while often revealing who are real friends are.