Why do I feel so bad when I should be feeling good??

[Melanie CT]

 My wife has known I'm transgender for over 20 years. She did not know that I had feelings of transitioning until 2 months ago. After about 8 years of therapy and starting to get over depression with the help of the therapist and this wonderful group.

Monday with the support of my wife I had my first endocrinologist appointment and will be getting a low dose of estrogen soon to help me feel as one.

Last night I told my 3 daughters (24, 19 & 19 years old). There were a lot of tears and they were concerned about me and felt bad I had to hide this secret for so many years and I went through so much depression, I have wonderful daughters.

I should feel good right? But last night I felt that I let them down and I'm not the father they thought they had. I hardly slept all night. I'm not sure if I just have to get over this shock but this hit me harder than I expected. I felt relief talking to my wife but my daughters seemed to be harder than talking to my wife. Maybe it was easier with my wife since she has know for 20 years and this is all new to them.

I just had to get this off my chest. I hope the day proves all mu thoughts were wrong.

Thank you everyone here for the support and advice you have given me.
Melanie

[Ms Grace]

Yes, I don't know where these weird negative feelings come from when you should feel the opposite. I get them too and they are puzzling. The closest I can figure is that I feel I have done something wrong, whether I did or not is usually besides the point. The feeling usually passes in a day or two.

[iKate]

I have a lot of shame and guilt myself, primarily because I wonder who I'm harming. Even though I know my kids will be OK, it's always at the back of my mind what my transition will do to them socially, especially with regard to their (religious) school. But then I look back at how utterly miserable, sick and overweight I was and I figured that they would be happier with a new and improved me.

[Melanie CT]

Thank you Grace and Kate. I'm sure I'll feel better as the day goes on. It was harder than I ever thought it would be.


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[JoanneB]

I've felt (and still do) much the same I believe. Beyond sadness, the force behind it is shame. Feeling like a failure for having to "Throw in the towel". Giving up, in just one more way, on sucking it up and "Being a man". We had a long lifetime of being told and practicing that technique for life.

It envelopes me with each major step and even minor ones. That eternal struggle of being true to yourself vs being what others want of yourself. Made all the more overwhelming the more in touch with yourself you get and the more importance you put on at least trying to finally do something for you. Yet in the background is that constant whine of "I'm feeling a lot better now. I CAN beat this."

In telling your daughters, for them it was a major change to their world view of you if they really had no idea about your GD. I'm sure it wasn't easy telling your wife of 20 years as it wasn't for me telling mine of 30 who also knew from about day 1 of my GD. But, at least, she kind of sort of knew there might be a ticking time bomb. Still, there is fallout. Now, you sit, wait, wonder about the fallout from your daughters. The days, weeks, to months of anticipation from initial response to reality setting in.

[April_TO]

It's always the feeling of letting someone down that gets us and I will also include the shame and guilt that my good friend iKate had mentioned.

First of all, we are not harming anyone for being who we are. Yes, we are socially conditioned to feel this way. However, just be strong and it should start with us to tell the world that it's ok to be different and being trans is not what they think it is.

Love,

April

[katrinaw]

Hi Melanie, you certainly have a great support team there at home.

I suspect its the fact that after 20 years years you have finally told the most important people in your life, your daughters, the father daughter bond is so tight... So for you I guess its mostly relief, however it was a massive drain on your emotions, after all you had no idea how they would react... But I sense also that your thoughts maybe that they may be somehow negatively impacted over time?

I would give them time to take it all in and just check how they are... Then you will be able to relax and enjoy the time moving forward.

L Katy 

[Ms Grace]

I suppose in the instance of coming out to someone we love we are being vulnerable and revealing a deeply personal part of ourselves that we have kept hidden and protected all our lives. That revelation can come with personal shame and disquiet no matter how well the news was received.

[Melanie CT]

Joanne, Carmenkate, Katinaw and Grace thank you for your support. The day is coming to an end and I,m ok. I check in with them and we are ok. I'm sure there will be more questions and conversations but for now we are ok. It was such an emotional draining time that I did not expect. I knew it was not going to be easy but I did not expect it to hit me so hard.

Luckily Saturday is my karate day and that helped clear my mind. I'm sure after last night I will sleep better tonight.

My wife told me the girls were more worried about me and the depression and how I would be than themselves. I'm fortunate to have such great daughters. They are 24, 19 & 19.

All your advice is wonderful. Thank you so much. I love this community.
Melanie


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[stephaniec]

well, your very lucky to have a family that supports you. I wouldn't worry about your daughters they're quite old enough to understand and they will probably get on the internet and research all they can.

[suzifrommd]

But last night I felt that I let them down and I'm not the father they thought they had.

Sorry for being late to the party, Melanie, but I hope you'll let me post my experience.

I'm a much better parent than I was when I was a man. My daughter and I are much closer that ever, closer than would have been possible before. Far from letting my kids down, I'm giving them something they wouldn't have had otherwise.

[michelle82]

As a parent as well, i can totally relate to your feelings. I think it's only natural that any parent with a conscience will always have the sense of protection over their children. We never want anything to hurt them, or harm them including ourselves.

I was super afraid of telling my daughter, and even when i first sort of told her, it was difficult because i felt that in someway i was harming her. as time goes on and you and your children begin to develop an understanding it becomes easier. You will feel more comfortable being yourself, and they will be more comfortable and happy because they know you still love them and really see you become a better person on the other side.

[Melanie CT]

Steph
Your right. They are old enough to understand and life will get better. Not that it is bad now but everyone will get over the shock and settle in.

Suzi
I also hope to be a better to be a better father as a woman. Please share your experience. I would love to hear and learn!

Michelle
You made me realize how I'm feeling. It's not so much the guilt but wanting to protect my family from harm and feeling bad. Things will get better.

Thank you all
Melanie


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[Jessirules]

Wow, just read about your situation.  You give me hope. I am facing the same problem.  Two daughters 24 and 22, my ex knows but they don't.  I want to tell them but i am scared that will let them down as their dad. It is my worse fear. Telling them will be the hardest part of this journey do far.

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