I'm my worst enemy

[BenKenobi]

Currently I'm going through therapy and I have not gotten T yet so trying to present as a male is challenging. I've managed to find some masculine shirts that (kinda) fit me which helps a little but i still keep getting called "ma'am" more often than not. The bizarre thing is before i got my haircut i was more often called "sir". That was including me in more feminine attire.

Now as the days go on, i feel like I'm living a lie. I'm surrounded by the mentality of "born a female always a female". Even with people trying to be supportive by using pronouns there's still that "well you're not a guy yet" phrase. Now there's that little voice that says "you're only lying to yourself. You don't really think like this." and so on and so forth. That's the worst of it. I can deal with people misnaming or misgendering. I can deal with some outdated or ignorant comments. But there's still that side of me that just won't accept it. I dunno if it's by upbringing or if i actually believe it. It's so frustrating.

[suzifrommd]

Hang in there, Ben. You don't need to justify your maleness to anyone, even to yourself.

Anyone who says you aren't a guy yet doesn't get it. You may not look like a guy (as much as you will), but that's not the same. You already are as male as you're going to be.

T only changes the outer shell. The guy inside will always be there.

[Laura_7]

A gender therapist said many of his clients don't even strongly identify as man. They are something between man and agender.

And you don't have to feel male all the time.
Its ok to also have other sides. Identification is apart from that.

A question could be: would you like a bit more male body to be a bit more happy ?

And how would you like to be perceived ?


I'd say listen to your feelings not doubtful voices


hugs

[Mariah]

Suzi is right. Hang in there. You don't need to prove your maleness to anyone just as I don't need to prove my femaleness to anyone either. Those that force us to do that don't get it and are not ally's to us. Hugs
Mariah

[FTMax]

Hang in there, bud. When I started transitioning socially, the only thing I was firm on was that I wanted top surgery. I wasn't sure about hormones and how they would make me feel, and I had a lot of doubts similar to what you're experiencing.

It took me being on T and experiencing the mental affects to realize that this was the correct road to be going down. I feel better, I'm able to be more mentally present, and my social life has improved because I pass as male.

You'll get there, don't stress too much.

[JoanneB]

Hang in there, Ben. You don't need to justify your maleness to anyone, even to yourself.

Anyone who says you aren't a guy yet doesn't get it. You may not look like a guy (as much as you will), but that's not the same. You already are as male as you're going to be.

T only changes the outer shell. The guy inside will always be there.

This is what I always have to keep telling myself during my "WTF am I Doing " meltdowns. God knows just how hard I try to justify it to myself since I also do not present full-time.

[BenKenobi]

Thanks for the words of encouragement. It's nice knowing that I'm not alone in this thinking. And Laura, to answer the questions i would feel better having a male's body. I've dealt with the female body long enough to know it's not for me. Before this, i thought of donating my eggs because i thought that was my main issue. Even after thinking about that for a while, i figured i still wouldn't be satisfied. I just want to be seen as a man