How do you respond to children who ask; "are you a boy or girl?"

[LordKAT]

I had this happen a couple weeks back for the first time. I blame loss of T due to lack of funds. Anyway, I just said boy. Then she asked about my 'bulge', meaning my stoma. That was actually more awkward.

[Tessa James]

Love this response!

I do too, and am tempted to combine it with Dena's suggestion and respond; "Yes and a friendly one" but I can also imagine the hairs on some mom's back rising in response to a "friendly stranger"

I usually just smile and continue on my way. I mean the innocence of children allows them to say what is on their mind, while developed adults will not usually. So take it as a compliment that they have to think about it. It means you are on the right path

Yes, and it is partly that innocence and openness that intrigues me.  I accepted long ago that my late and limited transition would mean I was likely to only be passable as myself but not as a cisgender woman.  I am complicated and it is difficult, as Grace and awkward-shark point out, for kids to grasp such depth.  This will likely happen for me and others again and I want to be more thoughtfully prepared.  Your responses really are helpful, Thanks!!

[Dena]

Tessa : I don't know. If that is your picture, you look better than me as you have a more rounded face than I do. My biggest issue is when I have to talk.Voice surgery hadn't been discovered 30 years ago and I fell into comfort zone until now. In a way it's a good thing because the voice surgery looks like it has reached the point where the right doctor can do wonders and while I want very few things in life, I think this is one of them. As for Full Facial, not at my age.

[Tessa James]

Thanks Dena and yes, thats me in my parade tutu from Portland Pride 2014.  I feel great about being out and am getting to a better comfort zone with the rest of the world.  The voice issue is complicated for me as "our Voice" means more than pitch, tone and timbre.  But it is also another "gotcha" indicator for being trans rather than cisgender that people, including kids, can pick up on. 

[Dena]

Voice was an issue. I was trained very well by my speech therapist and it was more of a degree than just treatment. My ear is trained and it surprised me because for my second post I played some audio and even after over 30 years of not using the training on anyone other than myself, I winched with physical pain at that audio. I knew the condition and understood that where that voice was, it was going to see physical damage if that type of abuse continued. I did my best to post my concerns and only hope my advice is used.

I am stunned by how good the surgical voices are turning out but they require a good deal of training after the surgery. With that training I see no reason why they can't be undetectable to even the trained ear. Sadly my male voice was so low I struggle to get anywhere near the female range and the truth is I don't. At least I am not using a base in public or private with the training I have had. I am beginning to suspect if I had wanted to be a male singer I would have had a good deal of lower range with the proper training but music wasn't my thing. As for my hopes with a surgical voice, I would like to see pitch and the ability to project as my mother had developed hearing issues and I go place where volume is needed. The ability to sing without people sticking fingers in their ears to block the racket would leave me in joy but I would willingly forgo the third for the first two.

[kittenpower]

The child's mother should have said something to her, and I hope they talked about it later. She just needs to be educated about trans people, and that it is impolite to carry on the way she did.

[Jerri]

I have had this question asked several times, mostly from kids at church. we also have an elderly handicapped  (the pastors older brother who used to ask every sunday) last week he told me I am a woman, the kids I just tell that in my past life  I was a boy and my voice didnt change when I came back. that was the easy way out for me any way.

[Chula]

It happened to me this weekend. If I am presenting male/ androgynous I say I am a girl on the inside. Seems to satisfy them.

My friend's daughter regularly says I look like a girl, to which I reply, so do you.

[Laura_7]

Beyond simple answers, we may risk offending parents and creating a scene where nobody feels good.   I like to think there are creative ways to open the education door a bit without inciting offense. 

You might say you are a girl (or a boy for ftm people).

And then say if they look into your eyes they can see a girl...
and give them a nice look...
and you have the brain of a girl...
and the rest will follow suit in time.

hugs

[Tessa James]

The child's mother should have said something to her, and I hope they talked about it later. She just needs to be educated about trans people, and that it is impolite to carry on the way she did.

I agree but can't say I raised the most polite kids either.  It is a challenge to raise sensitive kids.

I have had this question asked several times, mostly from kids at church. we also have an elderly handicapped  (the pastors older brother who used to ask every sunday) last week he told me I am a woman, the kids I just tell that in my past life  I was a boy and my voice didnt change when I came back. that was the easy way out for me any way.

And you are succeeding, one elder kid at a time    I can only imagine your faith community as better educated because you are there.

It happened to me this weekend. If I am presenting male/ androgynous I say I am a girl on the inside. Seems to satisfy them.

My friend's daughter regularly says I look like a girl, to which I reply, so do you.

Even if she means that as a taunt your answer sounds sweet.

You might say you are a girl (or a boy for ftm people).

And then say if they look into your eyes they can see a girl...
and give them a nice look...
and you have the brain of a girl...
and the rest will follow suit in time.

hugs

Oh I like that "look into my eyes" idea.  My eyes used to be the only part of me that did not feel alien prior to transition

Thanks All!

[maxman]

I'm a boy. That's it. Usually that's all they need. Kids will just believe you.

For the odd time they don't, they may say things like "but you sound like a girl" or "I think you're a girl" I just reiterate that I'm a boy. Sometimes I laugh or say that's funny! Or everyone looks or sounds a little different or something along those lines.

[Tessa James]

I'm a boy. That's it. Usually that's all they need. Kids will just believe you.

For the odd time they don't, they may say things like "but you sound like a girl" or "I think you're a girl" I just reiterate that I'm a boy. Sometimes I laugh or say that's funny! Or everyone looks or sounds a little different or something along those lines.

I like the idea of keeping it light and simple.  Weaving in the concept of people all being a little different sounds good too.
Thanks

[Devlyn]

Well, I identify more to the non-binary side so it's a bit different. I had a little boy (I assume) ask me once. I smiled at him and said "Both." and then gave his mom (I assume) a smile. He said "You can't be a boy and a girl." and I said "Sure you can." gave them both another smile and left with my groceries.

[marsh monster]

Been around a lot of kids, but never been asked that directly. Not sure how I would respond.

[Tessa James]

Well, I identify more to the non-binary side so it's a bit different. I had a little boy (I assume) ask me once. I smiled at him and said "Both." and then gave his mom (I assume) a smile. He said "You can't be a boy and a girl." and I said "Sure you can." gave them both another smile and left with my groceries.

Oh that is another winner and made me laugh.  Cool of you not to assume too much in our transitioning world   I also lean to the non binary and am not trying to meet any stereotypes of looking/acting/sounding like a woman.  Just being ourselves is perhaps part of why some of us get this question from kids and the "furry eyeball" from adults?

[Laura_7]

Well, I identify more to the non-binary side so it's a bit different. I had a little boy (I assume) ask me once. I smiled at him and said "Both." and then gave his mom (I assume) a smile. He said "You can't be a boy and a girl." and I said "Sure you can." gave them both another smile and left with my groceries.

Well you coud say there is a word for it, androgynous, which literally means both man and woman.


hugs

[Tessa James]

Well you coud say there is a word for it, androgynous, which literally means both man and woman.


hugs

At first i thought, thats a lot of syllables for a preschooler and then i imagined some kid looking it up on his digital toy.

[Devlyn]

Well you coud say there is a word for it, androgynous, which literally means both man and woman.


hugs

I should have mentioned, the child looked about four years old. That's why I kept it on his (my assumption) level, and tried to convey to his mom that (A) I'm not someone to fear, and (B) the curiosity was fine.

Hugs, Devlyn

[Bimmer Guy]

I was asked this by a child 10-12 years ago (long before T).  I was standing in line at the pharmacy and a 4/5 year old was standing there.  He said, "Are you a girl or a boy?".  I was very amused and said, "Well, what do you think?".  He looked me up and down and then said, "Well, I think you are a boy because you are wearing a man's watch and men's shoes".  And I just said "correct".  He just smiled.  The mother was promptly grabbing the kid's arm to pull him away and apologizing, but I smiled and told her it was ok.  He could have said "girl because of blah blah blah", and I would have said correct.  Being correctly gendered by a child is less important to me than having them think about gender...even if in this case it was the stereotypes that told him I was male.  I just loved that he paused and tried to think it through.

I knew the kid was two young to understand/there wouldn't be enough time to explain how sometimes girls wear boy watches and are still girls, or anything. That would have been great though.

I would take the same approach again, if asked.  I see no reason to get upset about it.  They are not asking because they want to mock us (at least at that young of an age), they are asking because we live in a world that genders people the moment we see them, and they can't put us into a category.  So, they "need" to ask.  Kids at that age will accept what you tell them.  They will say "ok" and then go off to play.  They really don't give a rat's a**, they just need to know how to classify us.  Gender is very black and white at that age. 

[Tysilio]

Being correctly gendered by a child is less important to me than having them think about gender...even if in this case it was the stereotypes that told him I was male.  I just loved that he paused and tried to think it through.

This is fantastic.

You get many points for this, in my book. I think part of the problem with this stuff is that we're so sensitized, and it matters so much that the world should see us as we see ourselves. I'm not saying it doesn't matter -- it's hugely important to me -- but there's a time and a place. If we can respond in ways that get kids to think, and to begin to understand that it's not an either/or question, that is so much more valuable than expecting children to meet our emotional need for acceptance. That's not their job.